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Hello every one I have another joke?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,”My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @
Edit:
gr8rt1 i loved it, why didn’t you post yours
Edit:

i do have so many jokes with images, I can not post them here Y/A will kick my behind. i will try to post some of them
Edit:

Glamour-Girl, i guess no one can make every one happy, out of 21 answers only two did not laugh.
yeteh jokeh ches siraseh garik chegar vor badaskhan dair.
Edit:

thank you every one

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Why can’t caribou barbie ‘move on’ past Sara Palin?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

This anonymous loser blocks a ton of people, expresses anything but tolerance in his profile, and is fixated on and frightened of a popular and successful former women governor. She left the state in capable hands to change her focus and shield her family, who slime like him think is fair game. At the same time, he has no problem with a certifiable moron like Joe Biden as VP, and ignores Biden’s daughter’s drug addiction. Now he’s thrilled that YA fixed something he thinks will keep blocked users from explaining to him why he is such a loser.
The question is,
how does he get through the day carrying all that hate around,
why do intelligent and attractive women spook him,
and when will he move out of his mama’s basement?

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WHEN will we force legislation on jailing drunk drivers?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 5:22 am

from today’s Chicago Sun Times newspaper:
DEADLY CRASH NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT
Crossing the street on their way to church, Frank and Helen Lilly were run down by an alleged drunken driver. Helen died, and Frank is in intensive care. The driver, Thomas Postulka, had been charged in another DUI just two days before.Frank G. Lilly, Helen’s husband of 50 years, remains in intensive care nearly three weeks later.
What makes this tragedy even harder on the Brookfield couple’s family and friends is that an alleged drunken driver struck the Lillys — only two days after he’d been charged with another DUI.
“It just seems like someone who had a DUI, his second one in that many days, just shouldn’t be driving around,” said the couple’s daughter, Lisa Lilly, 41.
But under Illinois law, Thomas J. Postulka had full driving privileges Jan. 22 when the fatal crash happened in front of St. Barbara Catholic Church in Brookfield.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/250323,CST-NWS-dui09.article

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R & P,, please tell me if music …?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 5:21 am

does the music you listen to dictate your actions/behavior?

I live in NH and the big thing here is the Mt.Vernon attack (look it up,,,sick),, some kids went to a random house ,, broke in,, used a machette and hacked up the 2 people they found,, the mom was murdered and the daughter was maimed by self proclaimed “juggalos” for the sake of “see’n how it felt”,<-their words not mine..
but instead of the focus be’n on the crime its on the kids choice of music,, the dumb “rules” they have and so on,,,
i remember Slayer, Judas Priest, Ozzy, getn sued for kids killing themselves but why put yourself into a group now known and hated for this crap??musicallyy i think icp blows,, but do i think icp is responsible?? F no,, no more than Ozzy or Slayer made sum kid put a gun in their mouth,
i listen to thrash and deathmetal mostly and i dont go around killing people,, worshiping satan or anything like that,, all it does to me is mess up my hair !,,
so for me no,, music does NOT dictate my actions,, but for some its leaned on as a legitimate scapegoat for the parents or guilty party,

Cyclone Temple said it best in the song Why…

“so dont blame sum heavymetal record to cover your own neglect”

listening to Queen does not make my wife gay,,
listening to Obituary does not make me burn churches down,,
listening to Ozzy does not make me want to bite heads off of small flying animals,,

makes no sense to me,,

i guta go now,,, my wife wants to listen to Alice in Chains and Nirvana and i have no idea where im guna get the needles and heroin from,,

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My daughter 26. her boyfriend of 5yrs wants me to go to his grandparents for xmas.?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 4:17 am

Im divorced since she was little. She spent Thanksgiving with xhusbands family. and xmas with me.
4 years ago when she graduated college i went to her boyfriends family for xmas. They live 2hrs away. I am permantly disabled. Have had 5 back operations. This takes a toll on me. I spent Thanksgiving alone. Her and boyfriend stop by for short visit day after Thanksgiving. Now because he came down and spent thanksgiving with her fathers family he expects me to travel and spend xmas with his family. I only get to see her maybe 8 days a year. With her job and her living 4hrs away. Ive been in a relationship with a man for 15yrs. off and on because he is an alcoholic. He went to florida last dec. and got in program an is sober for 1yr. I spent 8mons in florida with him and had to come home in Oct. to take care of some business. His sisters live near me and we are close . they have invited my daughter and i for xmas dinner. I accepted the invitation. My daughter likes their company an agreed. But now her boyfriend is throwing the card i went to your families for thanksgiving. you should come to mine on xmas. My daughter is uncomfortable going to his families because he gets all moody and has issues with his mother. his parents are also divorced. Its complicated. Then her fathers side of family wants her to run all over to see them. She usually comes down on xmas eve day spends xmas day and leaves to spend xmas with her father on 26th.
I dont feel i am being unreasonable asking her to spend the 2days with me. What do you feel.

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Another joke???????????????????

  • Posted on April 29, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

star and rate plz

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Should I report my son-in-law’s uncontrolled addiction to authorities?

  • Posted on April 29, 2011 at 11:20 am

He is addicted to meth and gets really crazy. He has ADHD too. He has guns. He’s had trouble with the law many times. I am worried about my two little grandchildren. My daughter keeps hoping he will just get better. She focuses more on him than the kids. We know he won’t get better any time soon. Should I make a report to a family services agency? The children have shown signs of abuse. CPS has already visited them. Would they do anything with this additional information, and would my daughter have the children taken away? I can’t just watch and wait while this damage is being done. What else can grandparents do?

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Im Engaged and my fiance and I are having finacial disagreements?

  • Posted on April 29, 2011 at 7:22 am

When I met my fiance I had my grandmother’s inheritance of $16,000. My fiance was in prison and is bankrupt because of his stay in prison and is currently being sued because he was driving drunk. I know this may sound concerning but we are both born againg christians and the past is the past. But my fiance wants to use my grandmother’s inheritance as a down payment on a home for us and then he said that he will buy me a car, but put the car in both of our names. Im not sure that this is the right thing to do although I have never been married before, im not sure. I have been a single mother for 13 yrs, raised my daughter completely on my own and my grandmother’s inheritance is the only money I have. He says that this is what all married couples do and that Im not giving my all to him and Im witholding from him. He does make more money than me as an electrician and has also been married before. but Im still unsure. Is this the right thing to do. I love him and I do want to build a life with him, but I feel insecure when I cannot do what I want with my money. Please Help

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Trying Not To Go Crazy Please Help?

  • Posted on April 29, 2011 at 7:21 am

my cousin was adopted a few months after he was born cause my aunt was a drug addict who had him on the side of the road with her hitchhiking while she was also prostituting.
my mom had the opportunity to adopt him and raise him as her own but then again she didnt cause she was 20 and in the shelter and on her 2nd abortion.
oh okaay getting on to the actual question
i’m 17 and i want to adopt his babies when i become of age which isnt that far from now
let me explain my reasons for doing this they are similiar as i stated before above.
he’s 27 and went on”Maury” for 1 child already.
he doesnt have any college experience i mean the guy didnt even graduate from high school.
he works at”Dennys” and is so called “Married” to a woman whose name he doesnt even know
and he’s raising her daughter as his own and he does use drugs he claims it’s just marijuana
but he’s shown many times that he’s into the bigger drugs like heroin,cocaine.etc.
i am going to have a apartment soon and i’m looking for a job.
i want the babies(they are twin boys and oh so adorable) to not grow up like i did or their father.
i can give the babies a good life and i know i’m asking for a lot at my age but they deserve it.
so can anybody tell me what i can do to get the adoption process started and what requirements i would need to get this pushed along.
i’m 17 and bipolar
but i have it under control
and i did graduate from HS
and i’m looking for a job
but you gotta remember the economy sucks
but i have to get those babies away from him and his weirdness

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Two characters, one is an alcoholic and the other is a drug user?

  • Posted on April 29, 2011 at 6:17 am

Even though I’m writing a dark fantasy story I need a few things from reality. The husband is an alcoholic and real heavy with prostitutes. The mother is lazy, uses drugs and wishes she had a daughter instead of a son. She dressed him up as a girl when he was young, hoping he’d grow up forgetting that he’s a man. The husband hates that his wife is turning his son into a sissy. But one night a neighbor calls the police because he hears yelling and crying and is afraid something is severely wrong. My question is what could the two be fighting about? Should the husband hit his wife or slap his kid? I’m already keeping with the wife being angry about her husbands affiliation with prostitutes. The kid is put into foster care.

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