For some people, boundaries are a familiar way of life; for others, however, the concept is something which must be learned. A person’s nuclear family and the environment of his or her upbringing makes up the manner in which the person views this subject; but it is no less relevant, regardless of one’s background.

There are a number of boundaries which are essential for a healthy, happy marriage. One of the most important is the marital relationship itself. In a healthy marriage, both partners are aware of, and respect, the fact that certain things are between the two of them and should remain between the two of them. 

Keeping each other’s confidences is absolutely essential. The privacy between a husband and a wife is so universally-recognized that it is even protected by law! When your spouse shares with you something which is extremely private to him or her, he or she should be able to feel completely confident that you will not repeat this information to anyone. It does not matter whether you think the subject to be silly or frivolous, or a difficult burden which you may not wish to carry by yourself, or something which you think your friends may find “interesting”– being able to keep private communications private is one of the main foundations of trust.

While we are on the subject of friends, it must also be said that you should resist sharing the problems of your marriage with your friends. Airing your grievances about your spouse, especially if done so on a regular basis, will not only undermine your marriage but can also serve to generate bad feelings between your friends and your partner. Even though everyone has a legitimate complaint every now and then, you should make a point of resisting the urge to fill your friends in on “What a jerk George is!” This habit does nothing but cause strife for everyone involved.

It is unfortunate to hear how many married couples believe that their sex life is also something which should be “up for discussion” with other people. The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should never be brought into the public view– to do so destroys the intimacy which is

One of the main parts of married life. Unless there is a serious difficulty which necessitates the assistance or intervention of a medical professional, a married couple’s sexual relationship should never go any further than between the two of them.

Important boundaries are also violated when a spouse feels the need to solicit other people’s opinions and input on subjects which should remain between the couple themselves. Although it is natural to want to know what others think about various issues, if there are matters of disagreement between you and your spouse it is unfair to attempt to get others on your side. 

Some couples also experience problems with boundaries when one or the other person does not realize or does not respect the partner’s individual boundaries. Even though it may seem odd in this modern day, there are still far too many married people who fully believe that their partners have no reason or right to personal privacy, personal space, or personal possessions. 

In such cases it should be clearly and firmly stressed that simply because one has gotten married this does not mean he or she has ceased to be an individual person, or has ceased to have the right and the need for personal boundaries. Whether the problem has arisen due to one spouse’s lack of full trust in the other person, or does not acknowledge the other person as a separate individual, or has the distasteful and destructive characteristics of needing power and control, it is a problem which must be resolved– not only in the interest of the marriage, but also the well-being of both spouses. Such a person must learn that there is a difference between “Yours,” “Mine,” and “Ours”! 

When other people do not acknowledge or do not respect your boundaries, this too can create huge problems if it is not addressed and resolved as quickly as possible. For example, you may have a meddlesome relative who consistently pries for information about your personal life, or a friend who believes that your home should be accessible to him or her at any hour of the day or night. In such instances, the best manner in which to deal with the situation is for you and your spouse to present a “united front” so that the intrusions are ended.

You may be familiar with the old saying about “building a hedge” around your marriage. Far from being an outdated concept, it not only continues to be true but continues to be the most important thing you can do to ensure a healthy, happy marriage. 

In addition to the topics you just read about, which are universal to all married couples, individual needs also play a role. For example, you or your spouse may be uncomfortable with physical contact from the opposite sex, and feel that hugs should be reserved only for each other; or you may object to the other person’s friends having an “open-door policy” on your refrigerator. These, and any number of other topics, are often very important to one spouse yet seem trivial to the other. 

The point in resolving such potential conflicts before they become real problems is to reach a conclusion which both spouses can comfortably accept. The key is in taking your partner’s needs and feelings into consideration– and that should be your main priority. For you to place a boundary which is necessary for your spouse’s well-being and peace of mind should not be seen as a sacrifice, but rather as a positive act.

Having loyalty in superstar in a relationship can be hard if the role feels dishonest or if they harbor’t met an anyone as good as you. To forgive others, you basic to feel well within yourself. This is why it is important to set goals and establish procedure to advance your fitness.

Since in relationships two people must work together to keep the relationship untaken, it is also important to embrace your partner, links and family in your planning. Nevertheless the first thing to do is to take the time to evaluate your relationship. Killing with refusal people in bad relationship, it is not worth your time to involve them in your procedure. In this particular place it is better off just to let them go. While we lack the energy to coerce change in others, we wait talented of altering ourselves.

We must work near establishing good communication to improve our relationships. In a site like this, it would be a good idea to take the time to consider your situation and try to see it from both people’s perspectives so that your communication will be enhanced. When there is a communication breakdown, it’s hard to straighten out misunderstandings. In reality, the disorder will become shoddier.

Taking the time to be with, and like the circle of your partner is one of the more effectual habits to take communication to the next direct. Set up a time that both of you can get together and have some worth time. Take a relaxed ramble with your partner and sock up a conversation about the survive. Talking about light relaxing topics will promote stress relief.

While you and your partner together do your best to prevent topics which may cause the two of you stress. Wait until you are calm and relaxed before you outset chatting about the problems. Successful, important communication occurs when the parties are calm and relaxed. You want to elude this. If the leads to a contend of mind, each loses.

Learning the art of effective communication shall allow you to hint a better life. You can learn the survey of relaxing and staying in restraint of your life. Again, initial a relaxed communication is the first stair in improving your relationship. You both can like casual oration while relaxing, which may set the mood for romance. If you are in relationship and have children, perhaps you and your mate can arrange a night together. Ask your family or contacts to keep an eye on the children so that you and your mate can enjoy sometime together.

Never lose picture of your objective. That goal and plan should include you effective near the strong self. It will be hard tochangeyour wayoflife.thinkingand goingthrough aprocess ofrediscovering oneself,memorize. By enlisting the help of family and links, you will diminish the burden. One of the behavior that numerous individuals have triumphed over many of burdens is by effective out of the hard time.

It all begins with improving your special life. After you’ve superior your own private life, you will find it easier to overlook the faults you find in others. The responsibility of enhancing your special life depends on you. Improving your life depends on your willingness and efforts. You can never put the burden solely on superstar else’s shoulders, since you are the responsible accessory to encounter who you are.

Media images of the holidays are often exaggerated and, before you know it, you’re trying to conform to unrealistic ideals. Combined with the added pressures and demands on your time, this can lead to emotional overload. Just remember that nothing is perfect.

Now that the holiday season is swiftly approaching, perhaps you’re worried that your dysfunctional family dynamics will surface as soon as you get together. Do you think that your mother’s inquisitive nature may scare off the first boyfriend your daughter’s had in years? Or that your new son-in-law’s parents will wonder why your 35 year old son has moved back home again? Following these common sense strategies will help you create a more serene holiday season for you and your family:

1. Realize that the anticipatory anxiety you are experiencing is common. Financial burdens around gift giving and extra chores when entertaining can make you feel apprehensive and stressed. Accept this as a normal reaction.

2. Make sure that you have realistic expectations and don’t take everything personally. Some family members may be struggling with financial, business or marital issues that have nothing to do with you.

3. You don’t have to be all things to all people all the time. If your favorite aunt doesn’t get along with her ex-husband’s new wife, don’t invite them to dinner. It will make it easier for everyone to have an open mind and an accepting heart.

4. Put aside differences and avoid hot button issues. Sibling rivalry and unfinished family business are bound to surface. Despite how hard it may be, go for the higher ground and walk away from misunderstandings. But agree to finish the conversation at a later time.

5. Conversely, with a relationship that matters to you, bury the hatchet. If in the past you have stifled your feelings and then blown up later, don’t let your emotions fester. Admit the part you play in the conflict, privately, and deal with it.

6. If there is tension in the room, take the focus away from the specific toward the abstract. For example, talk about the value of apologizing for some wrongdoing. Then encourage others to discuss how this kind of quality has enhanced their other personal relationships.

7. Consider what you love about your family and let them know how grateful you are they’re a part of your life. Be sure to point out their positive qualities and personal strengths rather than focusing on the negatives.

8. Practice letting go of childhood pain and longings when family members are not with you in person but in your memories. And realize that having feelings of gratitude and forgiveness are a gift you give yourself.

9. Be a role model for your children. Teach them by example as you take care of your aging parents, lend a helping hand to a neighbor or work on having a positive attitude.

10. If you feel ready to pass the baton to the younger generation, do it. Encourage your kidults as they preserve the old family traditions. Express your appreciation and support while they create new holiday customs of their own.

In the midst of taking care of your family’s needs during this hectic season, remember to pay attention to your own wellbeing. Arrange to plan ahead and, when they offer, accept help from others. If it’s in line with your values, put the focus on giving as well as receiving – encourage social responsibility by visiting an elderly uncle or volunteering at a local food bank. And try to include fun and laughter in all that you do. During the holidays, while you may wish for peace on earth and peace in your family, don’t overlook the importance of your own peace of mind.

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

A young mother overwhelmed with caring for both a newborn and a two year old

A college student who realizes she is not as passionate about her major as she thought

A manager who feels she is not connecting with those who report to her

A daughter trying to help her aging parents who live in another state

A new widow whose husband handled the finances in the family

As you may have guessed, they all could use some kind of assistance. Yet, how many of these women will ask for it? Help can come in many forms. The young mom could ask a friend to watch the kids for a few hours so that she could take a nap. The college student could seek the advice of a favorite professor. The manager could ask a colleague that she respects, to be her mentor. The daughter could attend a local family-caregiver support group for ideas on how to care for her parents’ needs at a distance. The newly widowed woman could ask a trusted friend to advise her on the basics of family finance and act as a sounding board for any decisions that need to be made.

Why is it so hard to ask for what we need? I have learned over the years that there are times when even the most capable among us must ask for help. At times when I needed help but didn’t ask, I wondered whether it was because I’m a woman, a first-born, or just didn’t want to impose that I found it extremely difficult to turn to others for even the simplest of aid. When I examined my reluctance to request help from others, such as my friends and relatives, I came up with some heartfelt but often ridiculous reasons:

• I didn’t want to appear weak, disorganized, or incapable.
• Everyone has his or her own challenges and is too busy to deal with mine.
• Asking for help would make me feel dependent.
• I didn’t want to be a bother.
• It would be easier just to do things myself.

What about you? Do you find it easy or hard to turn to people who care about you and ask for their assistance when you need it? Asking for help is a skill. Many of us don’t possess it. For most of us it is one we could improve upon. It would make our life so much better if we didn’t hesitate to ask for help when we needed it.

Recently when a friend and I were talking about people’s reluctance to ask for help, it occurred to me that we are actually doing those who care about us a favor by coming to them for assistance. You give a gift when you ask for help. The people you ask feel important, useful, and, in many cases, honored that you approached them.

Think about the last time someone asked you for help. Did you find yourself making a judgment about him or her? Probably not. Didn’t your mind start clicking to what you could do? If you couldn’t help, you may have even felt guilty that you didn’t do your part to help your friend. How many times, when you discovered that a family member had a hardship or challenge, have you said, “Why didn’t you ask for my help?”

There may be some things that you would rather pay a stranger to do than ask friends to do. Nevertheless many other favors will give meaning to the words family and friend. The next time you are feeling overwhelmed, need advice, or a shoulder to lean on, rather than hesitate, push yourself to ask for what you need. You will not only be helping yourself but also giving the person you asked a chance to feel better too!

When Social Security, Medicare & Medicaid were designed, life expectancy was 63. Our fastest growing population is age 85 plus and 50% may have some form of      Alzheimer’s. By 2030, 70 million people in the US, or 1-in-5 people, will be age 65. Another 1 million people will be 100 years old. The need for healthcare and related services is exploding!

According to USA Today:

60% of US caregivers are female 66% are married or living with a partner 45 is the average age of US caregivers 77 is the average age of the care recipient 41% of caregivers have children under the age of 18 at home 52% of caregivers are employed full time

Learn how to be prepared, how to talk to your parents or loved ones, what you and they should do to make sure your lives continue to run smoothly and how to avoid costly mistakes.

Step One ~ Get Organized!

You’ll need to gather together the following: One filing cabinet, complete with hanging file and manila folders; a copy of all important documents; a large three-ring binder with big tab dividers; and a colored marker.

Use the binder to store copies of important documents. Label the document title on the tab divider. This will come in handy should you need to transport documents. Using your marker, write on the back of each document where the original is stored (i.e. Will stored in safe deposit box and son John has the key.) Have a section on beneficiaries that lists all documents with appointed beneficiaries. Always keep this section current.

Next, organize your file cabinet. If you don’t want to store original documents in your file cabinet, note the original’s location in the appropriate file. Create the following titles for your hanging files and store items under each category in labeled manila folders.

Important Information

Location of safe deposit box and key Passwords for debit card, online accounts, computer, and voicemail Armed forces documents Birth and marriage certificates Names and phone numbers of your attorney, CPA, financial planner, broker, and insurance agents Copy of tax returns and winter/summer tax assessments Copy of Social Security Estimate Statement

Legal Planning

Copy of will and trusts Copy of life and unemployment insurance policies Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) documents Prepaid funeral and burial arrangements/plan for pet relocation and expenses.

Banking/Investments

Copy of each credit card with contact phone number Divide out by financial institution a copy of bank statements, brokerage accounts, annuities, IRA’s, stock/bond certificates, and dividend reinvestment plans (DRIP) Copy of retirement plans and investment real estate documents Copy of “Survivor’s” Pension Benefit (what will surviving spouse receive after the retiree dies?)

Medical

Name and phone numbers of physicians, dentist, and pharmacy (list prescriptions) Copy of medical insurance card and benefits guidebook Long term care and disability insurance policies Patient Advocate Designation document. Give primary care physician a copy Copy of Medicare card and account number

Household

Copy of home deed, homeowners insurance (umbrella policies) Copy of mortgage and home equity loan statements Copy of auto title, loan/lease, and insurance documents Copy of statements for gas, electric, water, waste management, telephones, etc. Home maintenance file to include repair receipts, phone number of repairmen, warrantees, and appliance insurance.

Step Two ~ Discovery

Your documentation is organized. Breathe a sigh of relief! Next, you’ll need to have a series of important conversations with your loved one and other family members including:

What do they think they want for their long term care? What are their needs as they are aging and who can provide it? How do they want to handle their money and property as their lifestyle changes? What kind of legacy do they want to create for themselves?

All of this may take a number of conversations. Try asking if you can talk about these things in general terms because you are doing your own future planning for college savings or retirement. Ask for their help to assess their situation and welcome their input on solutions. Role play a bit… Try talking about how they would feel if they had to make these decisions for you instead? Ask what their friends are doing about these types of things? Patience is key here! The most important thing is to really take a look with them at their values, lifestyle and spiritual picture as they ultimately have to “own” the solutions.

Next, you’re ready to select the individuals you want on the caregiving team. Include any that apply: family members, doctors, home care specialist, attorney, certified elder law specialists, insurance agents, brokers, CPA, caregivers, certified financial planner, therapist, etc. Many of these professionals are trained to help families deal with health, financial, and social issues in a holistic way.

Step Three ~ Create a Financial Plan

Sit down with a certified financial planner and develop a financial plan that addresses the following:

Financial Position:

Create a cash flow statement which breaks down income and expenses. Determine your net worth by listing assets and liabilities.

Income Taxes:

Review tax situation for capital gains/losses with real estate or stocks. Discuss inherited IRA status vs. pension /profit sharing plans.

Investments:

Analyze investments for quality, safety, income needs, tax situation, etc. Are investments manageable, properly diversified, or all over the place?

Retirement:

Establish amount of assets necessary to meet your lifetime income needs. Project retirement income needs in several situations (i.e. home care/assisted living, utilizing long-term care insurance benefits if applicable.

Estate:

Review documents and analyze current estate plan. Verify beneficiaries on life insurance, annuities, retirement plans, & 401K Decide what you need and desire for financial independence. How much will you leave for a family legacy? How will you allocate your social legacy regarding gift and tax?

Protection:

Assess cash flow projections and alternate scenarios regarding disability, long-term care, and premature death.

Step Four ~ Meet with Your Team and Create a Plan

Now that you’ve got everything in place, sit down with your caregiving team members and develop a plan of action that satisfies your loved ones’ goals, values, and objectives. The final product should enable you all to maintain your dignity, lifestyle, and assets. In addition, the plan should be clear, concise, easy to manage, and tax efficient. It should also acknowledge the needs of whoever becomes the main caregiver.

The benefits of early planning are numerous, including:

clarifying your loved ones wishes identifying the best possible resources minimizing confusion and stress during times of crisis increasing overall peace of mind

The end result…everyone involved is able to sleep at night knowing all concerns have been addressed and that a team and a plan is in place to accommodate all those “what ifs.”

Source: Working with Seniors Health, Financial and Social Issues, 2003

Tai Chi movement’s gentle balance enhancing motions can obviously help the Parkinson’s patient by helping to reduce the gradual loss of balance that Parkinson’s sufferers often experience. However, there may be much more it offers. For example, Tai Chi movements rotate the human body in about 95% of the ways the body can move, when a long form is practiced. This is far beyond what other exercise offers, and in fact the closest would be several swimming strokes, which together would only rotate the body in about 65% of the ways it can move. For Parkinson’s sufferers, or anyone for that matter, this would indicate that by “using” 95% of the body’s possible motion several times a week, the possibility of “losing” the ability to do so diminishes accordingly. This isn’t rocket science, but simple common sense.

Yet, perhaps Parkinson’s patients have even more to gain from Tai Chi. A few years ago I taught several classes at local medical centers. I was continually frustrated because although I’d seen emerging reports that Tai Chi was beneficial to people with Parkinson’s Disease, or arthritis, or chronic hypertension, etc., even though the departments that specialized in those conditions were often just down the hall from my Tai Chi class . . . they might as well have been a million miles away. Because the physicians who ran those departments were either ignorant of or unwilling to refer their patients to the possibilities that Tai Chi offered their lives.

I remember though, that at one medical center a visionary neurologist began to refer patients with balance disorders to my Tai Chi classes and the result was very beneficial for his patients. Another physician actually wrote prescriptions for my Tai Chi classes to treat the chronic hypertension of his patients, who’d seen a significant drop in their blood pressure since beginning the classes weeks before. A clinical psychologist brought me in to teach Qigong (Chi Kung) meditation and Tai Chi to her patient group to enhance their sense of well being and provide effective stress management training. So, even back then some physicians were seeing the potential Tai Chi offered their clients, and even more are now, but the number of physicians who are still not informing their patients of Tai Chi’s direct therapeutic or at the least adjunct therapy benefits to their patient’s efforts to deal with their conditions and life, is increasingly indefensible in this day and age. Given the research that has exposed the many physical, mental, and emotional benefits Tai Chi offers, for physicians to not educate themselves on this and share their knowledge with each and every patient is tantamount to mal-practice. Health educators should likewise be making such therapies part of their medical student education programs as well.

Tai Chi for Parkinson’s is being recommended increasingly by support groups and some progressive medical centers, but until everyone that has Parkinson’s knows about it, then our work at World Tai Chi & Qigong Day is not done, nor is the medical community’s. There are many obvious reasons everyone with Parkinson’s should be doing Tai Chi, but it’s the ones that are not yet obvious that may be the most intriguing. One obvious reason is that Tai Chi is the most powerful balance and coordination enhancing exercise known. In many studies at major universities Tai Chi was found to be TWICE as effective in reducing falls as the other balance enhancing exercises being studied. For people with Parkinson’s, who often see their balance deteriorate as their condition progresses, it is unforgivable for them to not be informed of Tai Chi’s potential benefits at the earliest stage possible while their balance is still good.

Now, regarding the less obvious reasons Tai Chi may benefit Parkinson’s patients. Both my wife and daughter, who co-taught a Tai Chi class together noticed that a young man with severe Parkinson’s tremors . . . completely lost his tremors once he joined the class in flowing through the Tai Chi movements in class. In another class I was teaching an older man with advanced Parkinson’s attended my classes for many months, and he always came in very slow with his walker. Once we began the Tai Chi movements he no longer used his walker, and had learned the entire long form of Tai Chi I taught, which was over 15 minutes of continuous changing forms. His form was unique and tailored for his limitations, but nonetheless a challenging set of exercises he was able to accomplish without the use of his walker. What do these anecdotal experiences portend for others with Parkinson’s? I don’t know, but there should be massive research dollars coming from the National Institutes of Health to find out. Given the promise Tai Chi seems to offer people on so many profound physical, emotional, and mental fronts from preliminary research, the current total research money earmarked for complimentary and alternative medicine’s (CAM) is a mere pittance.

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM), now in its sixth year, supports more than 300 research projects and has an estimated budget of over $120 million for 2005 (up from $50 million in 1999). Total spending on CAM by all NIH institutes and centers is expanding as well, and is expected to reach $315 million by 2005.

Sounds like a lot? However, $120 million is less than “one half of one percent” of the total NIH FY2005 budget. According to the Association of American Medical Colleges the NIH’s total annual budget for FY 2005 is $28.8 billion (http://www.aaas.org/spp/rd/05pch8.htm). Remember, we are talking about only spending much much less than one half of one percent to study an exercise that preliminary research has shown to: n Lower High Blood Pressure (about 1/3 of Americans have hypertension – roughly over 90 million Americans) n Boost Immune Function profoundly (a study sited at drkoop.com indicates that a Tai Chi practicing group was TWICE as resistant to the shingles virus, and researchers believed this would carry over to other viral resistance as well.) n Dramatically reduce falling injuries by about half (complications from falling injuries in older Americans is the 6th leading cause of death for seniors in America)

If Tai Chi only addressed this chronic condition affecting 1/3 of Americans, while boosting the immune system of all practitioners profoundly, and cutting in half the sixth leading cause of death for seniors, without any negative side effects, that would seem to be, for the rational person a reason for pouring massive resources into researching it further. However, Tai Chi’s benefits only begin with the above preliminary findings. We also know that it may very well relieve depression, anxiety, and mood disturbance, as well as reduce ADHD symptoms in teenagers diagnosed with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. There are indications that Tai Chi may greatly reduce or even eliminate chronic pain conditions, and lessen allergic and asthmatic reactions, and improve overall respiratory function.

My point is, “where is the massive attention this would garner on talk shows, and in health newspaper sections, if this were a drug or surgery that could provide such a seemingly massive breakthrough in health treatment?” Peter Chowka, in a brilliant two part series for Natural Health Line, entitled “Complementary & Alternative Medicine in 2000,” wrote, “Conflicts of interest are not uncommon in most aspects of life. But in medicine, the biggest business in the U.S. (over $1.5 trillion a year constituting over 14 percent of the Gross Domestic Product, according to the National Academy of Science’s Institute of Medicine report issued January 10, 2001), serious conflicts are particularly well entrenched.” Mr. Chowka wrote of physicians like Dr. Marcia Angell voicing concerns of the “troubling” result massive research money from drug and medical-equipment companies was having on the scientific process. In the New England Journal of Medicine’s May 18, 2000 issue, Dr. Angel wrote an editorial entitled, “Is Academic Medicine for Sale?” She wrote, “As we spoke with research psychiatrists about writing an editorial on the treatment of depression . . . we found very few who did not have financial ties to drug companies that make antidepressants. . .The problem is by no means unique to psychiatry. We routinely encounter similar difficulties in finding editorialists in other specialties, particularly those that involve the heavy use of expensive drugs and devices.”

So, who can make a multi-billion dollar fortune teaching Tai Chi to people? No one can. Tai Chi cannot be bottled, or mass marketed. It is a decentralized labor intensive industry that employees many people, but keeps the profits small and local. Yes, there are videos and DVDs that teach Tai Chi effectively, but ultimately even those who utilize videos are drawn to live class like structures. As I mentioned before with the “anecdotal” experiences of my students with Parkinson’s, Tai Chi seems to offer something profoundly beneficial to the quality of life of Parkinson’s sufferers. It needs further study. We are in a catch 22, where many health professionals feel they cannot recommend Tai Chi because too much of the preliminary research is anecdotal. However, when Tai Chi is jockeying for position to get a crumb of the .5% of total NIH money going to ALL complimentary and alternative medical therapies . . . the result will be many long years of millions of people suffering needlessly from conditions or symptoms of those conditions that Tai Chi could likely safely lessen or even eliminate.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT TAI CHI AND PARKINSONS?

Tai Chi is being recommended by some forward thinking medical institutions already. The Cleveland Clinic of Neuroscience Center encourages Parkinson’s Disease patients to seek out a hobby or activity they can enjoy and stick with such as “Tai Chi” and other activities. The Alexian Neurosciences Institute in Illinois offers a course in their The Parkinson’s Disease and Movement Disorders Center. Also, the American Parkinson’s Disease Association at Stanford University Medical Center, in it’s “Beyond Pills…. Alternative Approaches to Coping with Parkinson’s Disease” program, offered “Tai Chi, The Art for Living with Parkinson’s” by Mwezo & Jane of Kujiweza Healing Arts. (Learn more at: http://parkinsons.stanford.edu/symposium.html). The Parkinson’s Society of Canada recommends Tai Chi for Parkinson’s patients, suggesting “Tai Chi may prevent or at least slow down the onset of degenerative diseases; in the long run, it can reduce need for rehabilitative care.” (http://www.parkinsons.ca/managing.html#taichi)

In the United Kingdom a Parkinson’s Tai Chi study was conducted at Camborne Redruth Community Hospital, Cornwall. Their conclusion of the study was such, “Tai Chi training was well tolerated by PD patients in this study, but had no measurable effect on motor performance using UPDRS score or GAG time. There was a non-significant improvement in quality of life scores (PDQ 39). Larger studies would be needed fully to evaluate the value and efficacy of Tai Chi. However our results are encouraging, and provide evidence for its safety and tolerability and would support the feasibility of further study.” (http://www.pdcornwall.org.uk/showarticle.pl?n=30&id=81)

WCHS TV during a news report focusing on Tai Chi’s ability to boost immune system function, also reported that “Tai Chi has also been shown to help illnesses such as Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia and arthritis.” (http://www.wchstv.com/newsroom/healthyforlife/2177.shtml)

The Neurology Channel reported, “The slow flowing movements of Tai Chi help maintain flexibility, balance, and relaxation. The Struthers Parkinson’s Center in Minneapolis, which teaches a modified form of Tai Chi, consistently reports benefits achieved by patients in all stages of Parkinson’s.” (http://www.neurologychannel.com/parkinsonsdisease/surgery.s html)

Physicians at the Mayo Clinic recommend Tai Chi for Parkinson’s therapy, under their Parkinson’s “self-care” section for avoiding falls, where they suggest you “Ask your doctor or physical therapist about exercises that improve balance, especially tai chi. Originally developed in China more than 1,000 years ago, tai chi uses slow, graceful movements to relax and strengthen muscles and joints. “

At a popular health website called “RemedyFind.com” viewers can vote on therapies they’ve found benefited their condition, or didn’t benefit it. The rating there for Tai Chi as a Parkinson’s therapy received a rating of 9.8 out of a possible 10. (http://remedyfind.com/rem.asp?ID=13945)

A Study at the University of Florida in Jacksonville found that patients who attended Tai Chi classes for one hour each week for 12-weeks were less likely than a group of control patients to experience an increase in the severity of their condition and a decrease in motor function. . . ..[of alternative therapies] the most popular therapies being Tai Chi, yoga, and acupuncture. (http://www.worldhealth.net/p/275,1526.html), (SOURCE/REFERENCE: Reported by www.reutershealth.com on the 13th November 2002)

The Atlanta Journal Constitution reported, “Parkinson’s Meets It’s Match in Tai Chi.” In this article they write that Dr. Mark Guttman, director of the Centre for Movement Disorders in Markham, Ontario, recommends people with Parkinson’s do exercises that involve a lot of stretching, similar to the movements of tai chi.

“Tai chi is wonderful; it can help people with disabilities as well as people with Parkinson’s,” he says. He added that studies on animals show exercise induces a change in the brain that prevents the symptom’s of Parkinson’s from emerging.

The Tai Chi teacher for this program, Ms. Embree, spoke of how people with fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis, and Parkinson’s often attend her classes . . . “Doctors are now sending people here,” adds Ms Embree. (for the entire article, go to: PARKINSON’S MEETING IT’S MATCH IN TAI CHI, April, 13, 2005, http://www.ajc.com/health/content/health/0304/lvtaichi7.html )

At the National Parkinson’s Foundation site, Melanie M. Brandabur, MD NPF Center of Excellence, University of Illinois at Chicago and Jill Marjama-Lyons, MD NPF Center of Excellence, Shands Jacksonville, wrote, “Most patients derive a great deal of benefit from today’s medications and surgical therapies for Parkinson’s Disease . . . However, benefits of these therapies can be limited. As time goes by, the medications may not seem as effective as they once were. Side effects or unpredictable response may develop. Surgical therapies are not curative and often treat only selected aspects of Parkinson’s Disease. For these reasons, patients may decide to explore other modalities, such as massage therapy, Tai Chi, yoga, or herbal preparations to augment their Parkinson’s medication . . . Many patients with Parkinson’s Disease have become interested in complementary therapies to supplement medications and other traditional PD treatments. These physicians also suggest that as Tai Chi and other modalities benefits are exposed by clinical research, physicians will advocate their use more widely. (http://www.parkinson.org/site/pp.asp?c=9dJFJLPwB&b=238635)

World Tai Chi & Qigong Day joins a growing number of health professionals specializing in fields like Parkinson’s who believe that much more research needs to be done to illuminate the full spectrum of benefits Tai Chi offers all people as well as those specifically with chronic conditions. This will enable more physicians to make Tai Chi a regular prescription written as therapy or adjunct therapy for a host of maladies many are already enjoying the benefits of for their condition, but paying out of pocket for. Ultimately more and more health insurance plans should and will make Tai Chi classes a deductible medical expense for their clients. The end result of this shift may portend the savings of hundreds of billions of dollars annually in saved health care costs as patients are better trained in self care techniques, training the great visionary Thomas Edison referred to as “the care and maintenance of the human frame,” which Edison envisioned would more and more reduce the need for expensive surgeries and life long dependence on medications as human beings maximized their own self healing abilities. Traditional Chinese Medicine has spent centuries developing and evolving self healing technologies like Tai Chi. Now the west can learn about their results, and physicians can prescribe them to their patients and our entire society will be healthier and more abundant for it.

The symptoms of workaholism among managers include; an inability to manage time to allow for non-work activities, being controlled by communication technology, insensitivity to the needs of others, especially family members and a firm belief that working all hours is the only path to security and promotion. They also tend to mistakenly equate this belief with the path to happiness.

In recent times technology has played a major role in increasing the incidence of workaholism. The Blackberry, also known as the Crackberry, can become particularly addictive. A friend recently related a scene she saw play out a restaurant one lunchtime. An executive gentleman was seen having lunch with a young girl, who appeared to be his school age daughter. He spent an hour looking at his Blackberry and talking business into it. The daughter looked bored and occasionally looked at her father, no doubt wondering if she might get some attention. I wonder how many maladjusted teenagers are craving attention from workaholic parents. I have even observed couples in restaurants on Valentines night glued to their communication device for most of the evening, ignoring their sweetheart. No wonder there aren’t enough babies being produced in Singapore!

In extreme cases workaholics make themselves available for work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I once phoned a friend on her mobile number at 10am Singapore time, not realising she was overseas. A sleepy voice answered and when I asked her where she was, she said she was in London and asked me if I knew what time it was there. It was 3am and her intonation suggested it was a cruel trick on my part to call her at such an unearthly hour. For my part I wondered why on earth she had her phone switched on while she was supposed to be sleeping.

Holidays can be a strife area for workaholics who spend an inordinate amount of time in touch with HQ, either by email or mobile phone. Confirmed workaholics are often completely insensitive to the effect they have on their family or partner in such situations. They will justify their behaviour by responding to complaints with platitudes such as, “But I’m doing it for you sweetheart and to earn money for us to have a better life (or, give our children a good education).” The spouse or partner invariably has a different idea of what constitutes “a better life”.

This all begs the question, what is the difference between a focused individual who simply works hard to do well in his or her career versus those who we recognise as “workaholics”. Successful people who avoid workaholism exhibit certain behaviours that are distinct from the workaholic. Many successful, productive people seem to have complete control over their working hours yet still manage to produce outstanding results. They assign equal importance to the management of their personal and work time. So what do they actually do that sets them apart from workaholics? Through observation of my executive clients and former colleagues in my corporate career, I’ve identified a number of traits common to high achievers who maintain a healthy work/life balance.

When they become involved in a project outside the scope of their role, they limit their involvement to the contribution of ideas and experience but do not get drawn into time consuming implementation minutiae.

They are expert delegators. For each task on their desk they ask themselves, “Am I the only person who can do this task?” If the answer is “No” they delegate responsibly to someone with the knowledge and experience to carry out the task to the required standard.

They reserve time to coach and develop their staff to take on more responsibility, thereby building a talent succession pipeline and at the same time empowering their staff to achieve more and contribute more to the organisation through their own initiative. The result is that the manager is able to focus more on the job of managing and developing people rather than becoming consumed by operational tasks.

They are assertive when it comes to managing their time. Many managers are tuned into their electronic devices; Blackberry’s, mobile phones, laptops, 24 hours a day. Thus expectations are set and colleagues around the world assume that they will be available to communicate at any time of day or night. Effective managers take control of their communication devices, switch them off when they are in meetings or in personal time and decide when they will return voicemails and SMS messages, rather than being in a constant reactive state.

They are also assertive with time wasting colleagues. When focused on their key management tasks they know how to deal with time robbing interruptions. If someone interrupts an important task the effective manager respectfully and assertively tells them they cannot talk now but will give them focused time and attention at an agreed later time.

They use the phone more than email. It’s very easy to be consumed with emails and spend half the day typing at the PC screen. Picking up the phone to someone in the same time zone is often quicker, more effective and more personal. A verbal message is also less open to misinterpretations that may cause additional work later. They train their secretary to handle all housekeeping and admin tasks as well as some more complex tasks. Delegating tasks and coaching the secretary relieves the manager of mundane jobs, at the same time motivating her and helping her develop an increasing repertoire of skills.

They schedule their social, family and exercise commitments in the same way they commit to their business activities and treat them with equal importance. They are assertive when non-critical issues threaten to push non-work commitments aside.

Are you a workaholic? To test whether you suffer from workaholism, ask yourself these questions and reflect on your answers;

How many times a week do you cancel or postpone commitments to your family?

How focused are you on your family when you are with them?

If you have children, how much time do your spend just chatting and playing with them?

Do you switch off (not silent but switch ‘off’) your work communication devices at the weekends and in the evenings?

How often do you find yourself thinking about work issues when your partner, friend or child is telling you something that may be important to them?

Have you set an expectation with your colleagues that you will be available 24 hours, even when on holiday?

Do you stay in the office late even when you have completed your critical tasks of the day?

Do you have trouble sleeping?

Are work issues on your mind most of the time?

Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?

Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?

Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?

Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?

Have long working hours hurt your family or other relationships?

Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won’t otherwise get done?

After carefully considering your answers to the above questions, perhaps even talking about them with your family and friends, you may come to realize that there is a problem. If your answers identify you as a workaholic, perhaps it’s time to decide what’s really important to you. You might want to ask family members about changes to your work habits that would make them happier. But only ask that question if you are prepared to act on the feedback.

If you decide to take action, help is available. The web site www.workaholicsanonymous.org is a site where fellow workaholics can exchange success stories and strategies for dealing with their problem. Another source of help is to work with an Executive Coach who can help you to get your life back under control and in healthy balance with your work.

Some say that the Obamas are the kind of family they would like to be. Michelle has a healthy attitude about parenting that resonates for those with strong family values. And she has talked about her personal struggle of juggling work and kids, not that different from any other ordinary American working mother. More than we might expect, given her training and high-powered career, the division of labor in the marriage has been fairly traditional. Michelle is an involved mom and has said that the wellbeing of her girls comes first.

In their personal relationship, if she’s hard on her husband, it’s because her expectations of everyone are high. But she’s also a realist. When Michelle mentions Barack’s flaws, it’s to make a larger point – not to put the president on a pedestal when no one can fulfill all our fantasies. Both of them think that having one person in control of a problem can only cause more of the same. They see that leadership model as not the way to run a family – or a country. In discussions, Obama is not the only boss. He welcomes engagement and wants to be challenged. And that comes across in the role that Michelle plays.

As Barack tells it, all the men in his life were fragile, but the women could always be relied upon. In his wife, he sees a lot of his grandmother – the practical, no-nonsense woman who raised him. He likes that Michelle insists he be the kind of father he never had. And just as she is a reflection of his values, their partnership is a good indication of the character strengths and listening skills he brings to the White House.

No family always runs smoothly. And there can be problems that aren’t that easy to fix. As you evaluate the kind of support and strategies you need, keep the following tips in mind:

1. Keep your expectations realistic. You may have very clear ideas about how you want your family to be. But realize that every member will have their own way of handling challenges, conflicts and disappointments. Don’t think that what’s a priority for you will be the same for everyone. And remember that the present state of affairs won’t last.

2. Be willing to compromise. With a situation you can’t agree on in a family relationship that matters a lot, take the time to understand both sides of the issue. Validate everyone’s feelings and try to withhold blame. It’s not necessary to excuse bad behavior, but show support for what they’re going through. If in the past you have gone underground and then exploded later, don’t let these feelings fester. Acknowledge the part that you play in the conflict and deal with it. Negotiating an agreement that both of you can live with is often the best way to move on.

3. Set long-range goals about what you want to accomplish as well as short-term objectives that will help you reach them. These concrete plans provide the basic foundation and parameters for change in your partner, your children, your parents and yourself. As you successfully move forward, step by step, your self-confidence will grow. Ongoing action and a positive attitude will motivate you to stay on track and ultimately reach your family goals.

4. Look at your situation and decide what works for you. If you need some time by yourself, be sure to fit that into your plans. When you want to reconnect with your teenagers, plan outings that will appeal to both of you. If your parents are up to it, invite them on a family vacation. Your children will benefit from spending quality time with their grandparents. And it will give you free time and the chance for you and your partner to catch up without distractions.

5. Do what is necessary to maintain familiarity and continuity. If you nurture your family and stabilize their environment, they will feel more secure. The structure in their lives and the support you give them will relieve feelings of anxiety or stress. Children are resilient and, as you model positive thinking and hope, they will thrive. The rewards can be immeasurable for the whole family.

In this administration, with a protective mom in chief, one major focus on the home-front will be the first daughters. The goal of these devoted parents is to help the girls find their way in their new environment. And Michelle’s mom is moving in for now, to provide a constant presence and keep the girls grounded. When asked about the relationship with his mother-in-law, the president, among other things, said: “I don’t tell my mother-in-law what to do.” Doesn’t it sound like our new president is off to a really good start?

© 2009, Her Mentor Center

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are co-founders of www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com, a blog for the sandwich generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about family relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their website. As psychotherapists, they have over 40 years of collective private practice experience.

On a musical instruments shopping spree, mother’s grab their children and head off to every music store in town, and check every newspaper ad looking for a musical instrument their child could use during the school year that they would be well-suited for. The musical instrument would not have to be brand new either. So, consulting the list of suitable instruments that the school gave her to use as a guide, she continues on with her musical instruments shopping spree.

The musical instruments shopping spree took her clear across town in the middle of rush hour traffic. By the time she entered a music store recommended to her by a friend, she was frazzled. The selection of instruments that matched her list were quite expensive, but there were several that qualified for a student rental program. She made a note of that offering, and continued to another location to check prices.

The next stop on her musical instruments shopping spree, landed her in a resale shop that had two instruments in the front window. Weathered by the sun, the cases looked a bit dry, but the price on the instrument, a flute, was within her price range. They did not have anything that her daughter wanted to play. She cleared the purchase with her son, who did not have a problem with playing the flute in the school band. His viewpoint was that he would be able to at least sit down during every concert. She made the purchase and scratched one shopping item off her list.

She asked her daughter what instrument she wanted to play. Her daughter wanted to play a guitar, or maybe some drums. Her mother suggested that she try a clarinet, and the girl balked at that idea entirely. Her mother stressed that she could try the piano but that would require lessons. Lessons would take away from her social life and that idea was not appealing in the least. The musical instruments shopping spree proceeded to the nearest pawn shop.

There was a set of electronic drums in the middle aisle that showed promise. The price of this set of drums was a bit steep, and the women decided she would try and get them to lower the price. She noticed that there was a cleaning set for a flute in the display case, which included a carry case for a flute. That price was quite reasonable, and when she offered to buy both items, the salesman promptly offered her a $25.00 discount on the drum set. Feeling that she had made a wise purchase the mother helped her daughter carry her drum set to the car.