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I’m depressed, and my mother won’t take me seriously…help?

  • Posted on March 14, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I’ve been depresses since about a month or so before school started. I had all the symptoms – an empty mood, loss of interest, excessive crying, feelings of worthlessness or pessimism, decreased energy and fatigue, feeling ‘slowed down,’ difficulty concentrating and making decisions, and other physical pains (headaches, back pains, etc.)

It’s getting to a bad point – not suicidal, not that extreme – but the fact that I’m stuck in this…rut and I can’t get out makes me even MORE depressed ABOUT my depression.

My problem:

My mother takes nothing seriously. (This has contributed to my depression, might I add.) The last time I opened up to her was two years ago, about how I imagewas upset that she and I fought a lot and that never seemed to happen with her and my brother. She proceeded to yell at me, and tell me that "I’d be lucky if my brother talks to me after I leave for college." That was the only time in my life I’ve ever tried telling her how I felt, and she responded to it with unnecessary anger. One day, when I tried to mention in passing that I felt like I had barely any friends at my school, she called me, and I quote, a "dramatic bitch."

Don’t get me wrong. My mother is an amazing person, I love her and she loves me. But when it comes to serious conversation topics, she gets angry and confronts them with power struggles. She takes nothing I say seriously and assumes I am being dramatic because I’m a 16 year old therefore MUST be indescribably horomonal.

So. If I tried to sit her down one day and genuinely say, "Mom, I really do believe you don’t take some of the things I say seriously and I would like you to have more respect for my thoughts and opinions."

…she would probably laugh in my face and / or ground me.

And if I told her I was depressed, and wanted help, again, the same result. Or she’d accuse me of faking for attention. (God knows I need attention from my family, but there is no way in hell I’d fake a medical condition to receive it. I’m not a twisted person.)

image I also haven’t SEEMED depressed lately, to others at least. From an outsider’s point of view, my grades have not changed, my physical appearance has not changed, and nor has my general aura around people.

Which of course would all be points brought up by my mother in a debate over whether I’m "really" depressed or not.

I’m not asking for tips on how to deal with difficult people like my mother.

I’m asking how NOT to deal with her. I’ve considered guidance counselors at my school, but considering it is a catholic school and they have told previous students in my condition to pray, and see the light of God, I’m crossing that option off the list. I’d talk to a doctor in confidentiality, but sooner or later said doctor would deem this serious and make contact with my mother (considering I am, in fact, a minor), who would refuse me any sort of therapy or medication, again claiming I was attention starved.

I’d rather avoid asking about over the counter depression medications for fear of looking like a scam artist with an addiction to popping pills, but if push comes to shove…

(Again. That I would rather avoid…)

So.

There really is no specific question here…what I’m looking for is advice from anyone there who has (or hasn’t) been in situations like this. Who should I talk to – where should I turn? Are there any methods of therapy or medication (prescription or not.) that have worked for you in the past? I would prefer if nobody left advice about my mother, I have deemed her stubborn close-mindedness incurable, but feel free to leave any advice about her, if you wish.

Anything and everything you say will be taken into great value. I really really do want to hear from anyone out there. Thank you so much for putting up with my awful, horribly long ‘question’ of sorts.

<3
Oh, and I don’t believe stress is the base of my depression. This all started on a fun family vacation, and school has been relatively easy this year.

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QUESTIONS about denial and my daughter’s use of drugs

  • Posted on July 27, 2009 at 1:19 am

In denial about my daughter’s drug use

mom2kelly In denial about my daughter’s drug use
I’m new here too, and have been in denial about my daughter’s use of drugs.  I have to admit that I’m fairly illiterate about drugs. My husband died 2 years ago, at a time when my daughter was going through her rough teen years. Since then, she has spiraled downhill. Because I’ve had to deal with so much in the aftermath of my husband’s death, I’ve been oblivious to what has been happening to her. I thought the problem was that she was just a "lost puppy" trying to find her way. This morning I discovered a very small zip lock bag with tiny 8 balls on it. After doing a web search, this is where I landed. To be honest, I was very shocked that my search took me here (more evidence to my denial). I am now scared as to what I’ll be facing with her. As I have read here, users are excellent liars … and she is a pro at it. How do I approach her? How do I help her? Where do I go from here? Thanks for any help you can give.

 
Penel0pe Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Welcome to KCI.
Show her the bag and ask her what it is, and don’t be too surprised if she isn’t honest about it.. was there white residue in the baggie?
Just so you know, an eight ball is an eighth of an ounce of meth.

Talk to your daughter. I also recommend you talk to our own "Jacksmom" who has a minor daughter that has done well with her Mom’s help – that is, of course, if your daughter really is using. Does she sleep? Does she eat regularly? Are there things about her behavior that make you suspect drug use? You said she is spiraling downhill – what is she doing?

IF she is using meth, you are in the right place. Hopefully she is not – show her the bag and ask her, don’t accuse her.

And definitely come back here and let us know how you are doing – we are all here for you!

 
imlostinky Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
How old is your daughter, Mom?
that will determine what we can advise.

Welcome to KCI- sorry for the loss of your husband.
And even more sorry for the reason you are here- but mighty glad you found us.
Theresa

 
cortyshell Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Welcome,
I hope you get the comfort and support you need here.

Corty

 
mom2kelly Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Thank you both (Penel0pe & imlostinky) for responding so quickly. When I looked in the bag (and smelled it), I thought it might be pot. There is a small green leaf in it. I have no idea what meth looks like. I only know what the bag looks like (clear zip-lock bag with small 8 balls on it). Even if this particular bag didn’t contain meth, just the fact that this bag was used sends out a warning sign to me that she may be using.

In answer to your questions:
How old is your daughter? She’s 19.
Does she sleep? She often complains that she can’t sleep. Then stays up all night, and sleeps all day. She recently moved back in with me (after sleeping in her car for a week), and I’ve demanded that she be in bed by 11 pm and up by 9 am. She’s already begun to push my buttons on this issue.
Does she eat regularly? No, her eating habits are poor.
Are there things about her behavior that make you suspect drug use? She used to care about her appearance, but now goes out looking like she just got out of bed. She drifts from job to job, and lies constantly. She’s stolen money from my wallet, and I’ve had jewelry missing.

If I ask her about the bag, and she lies, what then? If I know she’s going to lie, what purpose does asking serve? I’m just trying to get all my ducks in a row before I tackle the issue with her. Since I’m so illiterate about this issue, I want to be prepared.

Thanks for your help !

 
pcejp Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
So sorry you are going through this hell. I am the mother of a 17 year old recovering meth addict. She now has over one year meth free. But the years of her drug use are still painful to think about.

First remember, this is not your fault at all. You DID NOT cause this, can’t control this, and you can’t cure it. Secondly, read everything and anything you can get your hands on to understand drug addiction. It helps greatly to get a handle on what your daughter’s state of mind is.

My husband and I were "lucky". Our daughter was a minor so we were able to get her into treatment even though she did not want to go. We learned that we could not follow our hearts regarding this addiction. We had to trust the advice of the professionals, as hard as it was at times–this was our daughter.

Remember to take some time for yourself and try not to let her addiction ruin your life.

 
Loraura Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Green leaf suggests pot.
However, the other things you describe suggest pot is not the only thing she may be using.
She’s 19. You can "demand" whatever you want all day long and it doesn’t mean a thing. She is an adult and she has free-will. Don’t be fooled by giving ultimatums, you have very little power here.

You DO have the power to accept her behavior, or ask her to take her behavior somewhere else.
You can ask her if she thinks that she might have a drug problem, and IF she says yes, you can offer to help her find recovery by helping her find phone numbers that SHE can call, or meetings that SHE can attend.

If she doesn’t think she has a drug problem, I’m sorry to say, that the only options you have are to accept that you have a drug addict living in your home, and all the behaviors that come with that, or force her to leave your home, and take all the addict behaviors with her.

 
Penel0pe Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Quote:
If I ask her about the bag, and she lies, what then?

Then there isn’t much YOU can do – and since she is an adult, what you should do is take care of yourself.

I suggested you ask about the bag because there ARE addicts out there who are capable of being honest, some may want help and not know how or where to find it, and there are mom’s and daughters who can communicate honestly.

If she lies, well, it sounds like you found some pot, but the not sleeping, not eating, and decline in self care suggests she might be using something else too.

There is always the chance she will be honest with you, if you ask her; there is always the chance she will lie too. If she IS honest, then perhaps you can direct her HERE if she wants to stop… and if she is DISHONEST… you need to take care of yourself.

 
danimal55 Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Yep! You’ve described classic meth addict behavior.
Make some ultimatums for YOU, your daughter is incapable of keeping any promises or adhering to any rules you make.
Someone has to keep their cool and it won’t likely be her.
Addicts NEED enablers….and cash!
NO cash for the addict! It WILL be spent on meth, regardless of what she says!  A meth addict can sell an air conditioner to an Eskimo if that’s what it takes to get MORE METH!
Conversation rather than confrontation or condemnation, your daughter is mentally ill…not a bad girl, she’s a sick girl, she has fallen into a deadly trap and will need some tangible outside help before any significant changes occur. Until she does get help, any changes will be for the worse.
Family heirlooms, available cash [your cash] and material resources become trading stock for meth [as you've seen].
Keep your credit cards safe along with anything else she can barter for dope.
No resources and a meth habit spell three things…
1. Lie
2. Cheat
3. Steal

As for YOU…make this forum a habit, the support and understanding here is awesome.
You’ll need it in the days to come.

 
jacksmom Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
If it is just pot she’s using then HOORAY!!! I wish that’s all it was when my daughter used!!!
BUT.. I guess meth users will sometimes use pot to ‘bring themselves down’. My daughter didn’t. Pot wasn’t in the game.

Pot won’t cause her to have sleep problems, but if she sleeps too late in the morning she may just not be able to sleep at night. And truthfully…an 11:00 ‘bedtime’ for an adult is odd. Maybe she’s a night person. I, and my daughter (17), keep VERY late hours and always have; there’s no way we’d be in bed by 11…it’s just the way we are.

In any case eating issues and stealing AREN’T normal behaviors. I’d investigate. She’s in YOUR house. I’d go through her stuff and see if I can find anything suspicious. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT!!! And don’t let yourself get all insulted and hurt by any terrible things meth users will say to loved ones – water off a duck’s back. It’s hard but their minds are just screwed up and MEAN!!!

But being that she’s an adult you have no control over her actions except to make her leave your home, or call the cops IF NECESSARY, (and believe me, ‘necessary’ happens!!!). She’s stealing from you, this is something that should NOT be tolerated !!! If this continues in little bits, it’ll just get worse. You could try and talk with her, but if she’s denying it you can only OFFER getting her help.

My daughter was arrested and it’s one of the best things that ever happened. First non-violent offense, she was sent to teen court, (drug court for adults…depends I guess), and HAD to complete a 7-8 month extensive outpatient rehab. This would have cost me a whole lot of money if she’d not been arrested. She also had anger management and community service. This all took long enough to keep her clean and lucky for us she’s not wanting to go there (meth) again.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and her father…but using meth is NO excuse for that! And this is what she may tell you…that she’s depressed and you make her depressed and dad dying depressed…ALWAYS someone else’s fault when the cat is out of the bag! She needs help soon or it’s just going to get worse.

And DON’T deny. What’s happening isn’t going away until something is done. Don’t let her DRAG YOU DOWN with her. Keep coming on this board and you will meet those who have been dragged into it. Results come A LOT quicker if you just stand your ground.

God I feel for you. It’s horrible. BUT there are ways to get through it, and there are a lot of great people on this board that have used longer than your daughter is old. They know how the other side works and can give you a lot of answers and emotional support.

 
Loraura Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Good point, Jacksmom.

You have the right to search her room because her room is on YOUR PROPERTY which you are legally responsible for. Her "right to privacy" is an illusion when she is living in semen else’s home. She can have all the privacy she wants when she has her own place. Until then — You have the right to search and seize. I would absolutely do it.

 
mom2kelly In Denial
All of your responses are so wonderful, and I appreciate all the input. There are so many things I want to address, but for now I have a quick question. As a condition of my daughter returning to our house, she has agreed to undergo drug testing. I threw this out as a condition of her return; but the truth is, I don’t know how to go about it. Does she have to see a doctor, or are there places to go, or over-the-counter tests that she can take? I don’t want her to think that I was bluffing. I want to follow through with this. Thanks again for your input!

 
Loraura Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
You can order home drug testing kits in many places on line, like this one:

For more options, go to www.google.com and enter "order drug tests" and search.

 
pcejp Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
One of the conditions in my daughter’s contract when she came home from treatment was in order to remain in our home, she needs to remain drug free. I will not hesitate to test her if I ever felt the need–trust, but verify.

When my daughter was using, I randomly tested her. But after a bit, I found stored "clean" urine in her room. I would recommend watching her when being tested.

 
jacksmom Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
You do need to realize that THEY KNOW when they’ll test clean; my daughter did and I never got a dirty test. She’ll be GLAD to take one when she knows the time is right. Really, the ONLY way is to maybe fork out some cash and keep a few around and test OFTEN.

A blood test can reveal traces IF she’s been using a whole lot. My friend’s daughter detected in blood, but mine did not.

I always tested at home when she was acting like an A$$ho7e which when she ‘crashed’…no drugs to detect in the system at THAT time.

This drug is tricky…!

 
imlostinky Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Urine tests are not always able to detect meth use.
Meth is in and out too quickly.
Timing is everything.

The time to test is when she is happy- somewhat normal- not necessarily overly energetic but just not being angry and irritable.

If she has been a real pain mood wise and that changes quickly to a reasonable human, then test.
In the beginning meth will give you a wired for sound appearance- but after continued use, it just barely brings you to a normal state.
Especially if you follow meth with a little pot.

Meth is usually a clear rock- but can be cloudy looking.
Always a hard substance though- rocks.
Even when it has been cut, there will be rocks.

Paraphernalia-   Empty pen casings.  Those were biggies with hubby.
Now he always smoked it on foil but a good many users will have a pipe- glass of some sort.

If she has been snorting, then you will see cut lines on mirrors – handheld kind.
Razor blades.  Again an empty pen casing or some sort of straw.

I agree with many of the posters here, it does sound to me to be more than just pot.  You do for sure need to search and destroy.
And yes, for sure SfJ, Danimal,Jacksmom- just to name a few- for sure hear what they say.
Right on target.

 
luvepiphany Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Mom, besides all of the other excellent advice you have been given above, perhaps a way to reach your daughter outside of the urgent and very serious issue of possible (probable meth or coke use) is to sit down with her and talk about your husband, her daddy. Reach down to the pain with love and share with her. I understand your grief and how it can cripple you as it can also cripple a child who has lost a parent. Un-shared grief can be so painful and please know that meth use for many shuts out those painful feelings and would be very attractive to your daughter. Grief could be the core reason for her possible drug use and behaviors that go along with it. If you haven’t done any grief counseling with your daughter, this would be a very good time. Meth takes a hold of people-even the most loving wonderful people very quickly and I believe that you may be able to reach your daughter best with a caring and experienced professional counselor who has experience with addictions-meth experience hopefully. Perhaps a counselor could start with the grief and open up the the doors to the pain and reach your daughter a little easier than you at this first stage of hopeful recovery for her. I’m sure you are already so tired of the grief and pain and meth addiction is powerful and mean! Also, even if progress is slow, think about Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Find the groups in your area-they are for loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts and very wonderful healing places for grieving people especially.

You are not alone

 
mom2kelly In Denial
This is all such great information. I appreciate any & all advice you can give. I told her I found the 8 ball baggie, and she laughed and said, "do you even know what an 8 ball is?" Thanks to you guys, I was armed with a proper response. Her mouth dropped. Then she said, "that was for a dime of pot, Mom". I have no doubt that it was because it smelled of pot, and contained a tiny leaf. But, I told her that I’m suspicious that she may be using meth because of the bag the pot was in. As I expected, she denied it. I told her I expect her to be drug free, and that if she isn’t, she can move back into her car. I also told her that I would be doing random drug tests as soon as I did some more research. She said she’s fine with that. Since I now know that she may possibly be sneaky about hiding urine, and that I should test when she’s alert rather than down, I will be cautious about how and when I test. My final word to her was that if she had any drugs in the house, she had better get rid of them now, or they’re going in the toilet if I find them. I then ran an errand, and when I came home, the hall rug had traces of a white crystal type powder on it (I didn’t notice it before). So I scraped up as much of it as I could into a baggie (which wasn’t much). Now what? Can I have it tested?

 
Loraura Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
You can order test kits for that, too. Goggle is your new best friend!

Or you can take it to a police station for testing.

 
JamieJ1979 Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
You said a tiny baggie with 8-balls on it, right? Someone responded by saying a 8-ball is an eighth of an ounce. Let me tell you this–a 8-ball couldn’t fit in one of those bags! The bags you described are often used for many different drugs from small amount of pot, meth, coke, X pills, various prescription pills like pain pills or benzo’s. It’s funny how people that aren’t in the know think that because a bag has a certain pic on it that it means that’s what’s inside. Those bags are sold in "head shops" meaning shops that sell various smoking devices and papers. Some have pic’s of anything from cows to clowns to pot leaves to 8-balls. It’s just a bag with a pic on it, what was in the bag is anyone’s guess. If it has white residue it could be coke, meth, or maybe dust from pills? When I used heroin, speed, coke I was the type that bought at least an 8-ball at a time and from experience I know a 8-ball cannot fit into one of those bags. Usually they come wrapped in plastic from a grocery store bag or maybe the corner of a Ziploc bag. I wouldn’t assume your daughter is on meth because of that baggie, actually I would assume pot more than anything else. I always got those bags from pot dealers when I would by a $20. I didn’t like weed much so I never bought in quantity. Don’t stress out, don’t jump to conclusions.

After reading jacksmom’s post I realized a few things–She could be keeping odd hours because she’s used to staying up late and sleeping in. That’s not that uncommon for a young person that doesn’t have much direction in life meaning no regular job or school she has to get up for. After rereading the posts I’ve come to the conclusion that the bag was a pot baggie– a small amount at that. The bag it came in means NOTHING. Like I said before, these bags are mainly used for pot. The pictures on the bags mean nothing. My old next door neighbor is a pot dealer and a college student, he sells large and small amount of pot. He always has bags like that around the house to package $10-20 bags. I’ve seen bags with pictures of guns, pigs, dollar signs, 8-balls, all kinds of silly things. Pot stays in your system the longest by the way. About the sleeping pattern, give her some time to get back on a regular schedule. If she’s been living life on her own terms for awhile she probably hasn’t been keeping a regular schedule and it will take a week or so to get back on track. My brother is 21 and all the young people he hangs with keep weird hours and they aren’t on drugs. They might smoke a bit of pot on the weekend when hanging with friends but that’s it. I remember when I was young and I wasn’t using hard drugs but I kept weird hours. I think I did because after all those years of being a child and having to go to sleep at a certain time I felt like I had the freedom to go to bed when I wanted to. The main problem I can think of when talking about her sleeping pattern is if she’s sleeping all day she can’t look for work or enroll in school. Instead of focusing on her sticking to a strict sleep schedule I would allow her to go to bed when she wants to but I would require she get a job or enroll in school if she wants to live in your house. Controlling when she goes to sleep is weird to me, sorry but it is. Asking her to be productive while living with you is not.

 
Mom2Kelly Re: In denial about my daughter’s drug use
Thanks for the info about the bags. Knowing they are used for various things is a help. She said it contained pot, and I believe her because of the small green leaf that was in it. My concerns are more with her behavior at this point (and signs they may be related to more serious drug use). Although you may think it strange that I control her bedtime, I think it’s reasonable. She has lived with me on and off since she turned 18. When at home, she would stay up all night, run up & down the stairs, slam doors, talk on the phone, etc. All this while I was trying to get a good night’s sleep for work the next day. She would also take off in her car (that I own and pay insurance on), going who knows where and doing who knows what. She hasn’t shown any interest in going to college (nor can I afford to send her). She has held numerous minimum wage jobs; however, she can’t seem to keep them because she’s continually late, doesn’t produce, or doesn’t show up at all. She has recently been living in her car, and came to me the other day begging me to let her come home. Under those circumstances, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to demand that she follow my rules. I want to help her to develop normal sleeping patterns so she can function in a world where she has to work during the day.

 

 

image Stanton Peele has been investigating, thinking, and writing about addiction since 1969. His first bombshell book, “Love and Addiction”, appeared in 1975. Its experiential and environmental approach to addiction revolutionized thinking on the subject by indicating that addiction is not limited to narcotics, or to drugs at all, and that addiction is a pattern of behavior and experience which is best understood by examining an individual’s relationship with his/her world. This is a distinctly nonmedical approach. It views addiction as a general pattern of behavior that nearly everyone experiences in varying degrees at one time or another.

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Daughter is depressed after drug treatment, is a psychiatrist needed?

  • Posted on July 27, 2009 at 1:10 am

My daughter is out of drug treatment; is she depressed and should I send her to a psychiatrist?

 

Dear Dr. Peele:

My l7 year old daughter has just returned from four weeks in a drug and alcohol treatment facility. She is considered a "garbage head" since she does not have a drug of choice, although I have heard heroin mentioned several times. In one of her "open statements" she mentioned she started using drugs to fill the hole inside her. My question is whether she has a mental health problem or an addiction problem. Now that she is out and currently in recovery (and wants to do things HER way), do I find an addictions counselor or should she be seeing a psychiatrist for perhaps depression and/or bipolar disorder or some other kind of mental and/or chemical imbalance? Did the depression come before the addiction or the addiction cause the depression? Her attitude is very passive. She has never been abusive in any way.

Please point me in the right direction. I have been told to deal with the addiction. However, if she has a chemical imbalance due to a mental illness, shouldn’t we deal with that so that she can have a clear head in order to deal with her recovery process? As you can tell, we are new at this, although she is the youngest of five children.

Thank you.
Kathy

Dear Kathy:

Children who go through treatment have been presented a model of chemical dependence. It says they are inherently addicted, and should avoid all contact with drugs and alcohol. This is a tall order for most kids. Among other problems (aside from the fact that you can’t tell whether a kid is permanently addicted) is that most are set up for failure — if (more likely when) they consume a psychoactive substance, they quickly descend back into their old lifestyle and drug habits. An addictions counselor will continue this perspective.

The way to think of successful change is that you daughter will be developing a new lifestyle. To remain clean (meaning no longer focussed on drugs and alcohol), your daughter will have to spend time differently, with different people, and think about herself differently. What will that take? You and she have more of the answers than do I. But it takes some planning, thought, and effort — something treatment centers are usually completely negligent in assisting with. Some of the typical questions to focus on are: Who are her friends? What does she enjoy doing in her spare time? How does she approach school?

You and your daughter both realize there is more to her problem than this. You’re on the right track. Your daughter’s statement about the "hole inside her" is important and worrisome.

I can’t diagnose your child. You seem to want to place another diagnosis on her in place of her chemically dependent one — bipolar, depressed, etc. There are record numbers of young people who are diagnosed this way, and remarkably large numbers of them are prescribed antidepressants and other drug therapies. Psychiatry has become completely wedded to such treatments, and so will you and your daughter if you go to a psychiatrist. Note that she will still be dependent on drugs, that this dependency may become permanent, and she will still be passive and not in control of her mental health.

Perhaps you can speak to some parents about their experiences with the chemical dependence and psychiatric systems, to see what they have learned. I would also seek a counselor who can help your daughter sort through her feelings, rather than immediately prescribing drugs for her. I would try to talk to her and assist her to find alternate ways of spending her time and gaining satisfaction. I would gently enquire about who she is friendly with. I would see how she is thinking about and progressing in school, and get her academic assistance if that is called for. I would try to get her engaged in some positive activity that she really likes and that can help engage her being.

You have a number of assets for doing this. You are intelligent yourself. You have four older children who you have assisted through their teen years. You have a husband. You have other relatives. What about your other children? What are their opinions? How about a family meeting?

I sometime speak to people who have had a terrible crime committed against their children. If they can take it, I tell them that the crime will never be solved unless they become the prime movers behind the police investigation. The same is true with the mental health system.

All best,
Stanton

 

image Stanton Peele has been investigating, thinking, and writing about addiction since 1969. His first bombshell book, “Love and Addiction”, appeared in 1975. Its experiential and environmental approach to addiction revolutionized thinking on the subject by indicating that addiction is not limited to narcotics, or to drugs at all, and that addiction is a pattern of behavior and experience which is best understood by examining an individual’s relationship with his/her world. This is a distinctly nonmedical approach. It views addiction as a general pattern of behavior that nearly everyone experiences in varying degrees at one time or another.

 
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Letter To the Dr. “Does my daughter have a drug problem”?

  • Posted on July 26, 2009 at 6:22 pm

Does my daughter have a drug problem?

image

Dear Sir:

To give you a little background of our family, I am not at liberty to tell you who I am or where I live [writer is in the federal witness protection program].

image Since we moved many years ago my daughter has felt deprived of many things that we had in life. We lived a very good life until a certain point. My daughter feels that she has lost everything in her life. Relatives, friends, and money. She thinks about what might have been had I not done what I did. She does believe what I did was very heroic, but feels she has paid much too big a price for it.

When she dropped out of college in March of this year, we made a deal that she would work for us and that she would come in every day from 9-5. There was not one day that she came in on time. Each and every day she had an excuse. She was sick. Her sinuses hurt, her nose was running. She had a stomach ache. I explained that she needed to change her habits so that she could ultimately get a job in the real world.

In any event we just found out this weekend that she has been taking cocaine. This may explain the problems she has been having with her nose. She said at some point she was addicted and that she stopped for a year and now is an occasional user. She stated she took it about 30 days ago. This threw us for a loop as we had no idea she was doing this.

I guess we should have had an idea as she has flunked out of college. We had a long conversation with her, a lot of crying and promises. My daughter is a very good actress and when she wants something she can be very convincing. She also has a great mind which she uses in writing. After she told us in writing her promises, when she broke one, she then wrote me an essay on "Any fool can make a rule" Henry David Thoreau. This is part of what she wrote us.

In general the basic purpose of rules or laws is very crucial to survival. I understand the importance of laws, and rules,…..according to Thoreau, I am acting like a fool, given that I made these reasonable and sensible rules for myself, yet I haven’t adhered to them completely.

We started to talk with her about her problems and she doesn’t think she has one. I explained to her that how could she on her own expect 100% success ration when the professionals only get 60-75%. Her answer was she stopped for one year on her own therefore it would be no problem. She insists she has no drug problem.

I could no longer try and reason with my daughter so we left her apartment. While in the car we spoke about drug testing every week which she suggested. I am going to take her up on this. She also had the nerve to ask me if she could still smoke marijuana. I do not know how to best handle the situation. I feel guilty for changing her life completely and know that she needs "tough love" as she says, but she will not let us do anything. I should say she is now overage and other than financial support from us, she is on her own.

Hero in distress

Dear Sir:

You are looking to ferret out deep secrets, while you are not dealing with the facts in front of you. Thus you conceivably could be too hard on your daughter (accusing her of a drug problem, which she says is in the past), and too easy on her (permitting her to screw up without any consequences).

imageYour daughter admits she has a problem – not keeping her word. She seems to accept responsibility for this, but says she does not have a drug problem. If you really drug test her, you can determine that she’s not taking cocaine, as she claims. But it is certainly plausible.

What you have permitted her to do is to fail at work and school, with no penalty. You could forge an agreement about her working for you – where violations are penalized. Or you could simply tell her to strike out on her own (she is an adult), and you will help her as much as you can so long as she keeps her end of the bargain (she keeps a job, or whatever).

Your communication with your daughter is directed towards externals and imponderables, and not towards the critical issues at hand. It is very possible that you are the one blinded by drugs.

Your situation seems to have affected you as much as her – she feels deprived; you feel guilty. But, for better or for worse, that is all over. Take your daughter at her word – that is, offer her work or support contingent on her performance, and steel yourself to cut her off if she does not come through. If this leads her to drug treatment, however, the same situation will prevail – whether she succeeds there will depend on her motivation and performance, not some inflated success rate trumpeted by the treatment center.

Stanton

 

 

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Tips On How To Reduce Stress

  • Posted on July 3, 2009 at 6:40 am

As we all walk this road called life, there will be different challenges that will confront us. And one such challenge or obstacle may be of a physical nature. Because of the complexity of our bodies, there could be several people with some sort of a physical aliment, yet, each situation completely different from the other. Each individual could relate to their own situation, and at the same time, know nothing at all about another person’s physical condition.

However, I have discovered that there is a common condition, situation that most of us at one time or another have suffered from, some individuals have on a daily basis, and it is called stress! Now, I have been in the ministry for over half my life, along with being a pastor for nearly ten years. Also, I have been a chaplain at a maximum security prison. So, I qualify to know what it is to deal with stress. Anytime you have to deal with the public, people in general, it will always involve encountering stress. I remember once telling my doctor, during my annual physical, that I was wanting to reduce the stress in my life. He knows that I pastor a church and asked, how was I going to that-retire?

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion, unlike a physical condition that could be a temporary situation, stress is here to stay. Since I am not going to change what I do in life as far as work is concerned, I one day determined in my heart to learn how to reduce the stress level in my world.

Now, one good motivator to learn how to reduce stress is this thought: Reducing stress will lengthen your life! All kinds of things can develop due to stress, such as for example, your heart, blood pressure, and even your cholesterol level to name a few, can be effected due to not learning how to reduce the stress in your life.

There are numerous ways that are very effective in reducing stress, and in this article I want to share with someone what helps relieve the stress level in my life. First of all, I am married to a wonderful woman, who is my best friend, who is always in my corner. She is on my side, and is there for me when I need moral support when things get rough. However, I have found that it is good to have a friend that you can relate to besides your spouse. I have been blessed with a older pastor,who is a father figure to me, a mentor, who I can call and talk to, which helps me to deal with stressful issues. Also, going to church, participating in the services has helped me to deal or reduce my stress level. The idea of just being with other people has a way of relieving stress in a person’s life. Many times I have gone to a church service with a heavy load on my mind, but was helped, able to better cope with what was going on in my world, the stress for a short time had gone away. I must include, that what greatly reduces my stress level is my daily prayer and Bible reading.

The next two techniques that have always worked for me, which I enjoy very much, is a great stress reducer for me. I love being around children. They have a way of helping you to forget everything that may be going wrong in your life. Perhaps a phone call to one of my children or the children in my church will come and give me a hug, and tell me that they love me. This has never failed to help me deal better with the current stress in my life. Then, there is my extended family, my dogs and cats. My pets, these friends of mine have always been able to reduce the stress in my life. I do have a indoor cat named Aaron or I should say Sir Aaron. He is not your typical independent cat. But, he needs my attention, and I must say that I need his attention as well. On any given day, Aaron will jump on my lap and purr himself asleep. Once in a while he will pat me with his paw as though he is telling me, it’s going to be alright.

Here are a couple of other ways I have found useful in helping to reduce stress in my world. I have discovered that playing a game on the computer, such as solitaire, helps reduce stress. Now, this next technique is going to seem hard to believe. I have three acres of grass that I mow, and cutting the lawn has become a great stress reducer for me. When I am on my riding lawn mower, this has become my outlet of getting away or occupying mind on something else other than the stress related issues in my life.

I know that we are all different individuals who deal with stress on an on going basis. Also, I acknowledge the fact that what may help reduce stress in one person may not work in another. But, the important thing to remember is this, find something that does help you to reduce your stress. Your life depends on it.

Hello, my name is M. Lee Miller. I am married to a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. We have four wonderful children and three fantastic grandchildren. I have a Doctorate in Theology and a Ph.D in Religion. I have been in the ministry for 30 years and a pastor for over nine years. I really enjoy life and the opportunities that I have had in trying to help others during difficult periods in their lives.

Author Link: Personal Website:
http://www.millerdoctorofphilosophy.com

Article Source: Tips On How To Reduce Stress

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Learn And Be Guided About Social Anxiety

  • Posted on July 3, 2009 at 3:42 am

Have you experienced what it must be like meeting your big boss for the first time? The thought of being watched by your superior while working is stressful, isn’t it? Or, maybe you are so anxious to go to a beach party because you have not shed enough pounds to wear the two-piece swim suit (who knows how many years have them!), and you are so worried on what the people might say if you wear them with those excess baggage wrapping around your body? Those feelings are just normally. For as long as you have reasons to be anxious about anything, it is perfectly normal .But, if the anxiety is eating you up and you become anxious about what other people might say, or think, or do to you, which you know does not have rational basis, and the worst part is, you find it difficult to control your thought or emotion, that is social anxiety.

Social anxiety or social phobia is one of the largest mental health care problems in the word in the present day. A person with social anxiety simply spends time alone, closeted, away from people. They tend to choose to be alone than to be around with other people for fear that they might not fit in some ways or the other. Even when they are with familiar people, they may still feel overwhelmed and have the feeling that every movement and thought they made have been constantly watched or criticized. The feeling of being observed or being misjudged is one of the things that keep them away from people.

People with social anxiety are often misdiagnosed and are usually labeled as schizophrenic, manic-depressive, among other detrimental misdiagnoses. Because there few social anxious people have heard of their own condition and have never seen it discussed on any media, they tend to think that they’re alone in this world suffering from the disturbing symptoms. The tendency is they keep their condition to themselves for fear of being misjudged, and with the lack of info, education, and proper treatment social anxiety continues to impair their lives. In addition, when the time comes that people with social phobia finally gets to their feet and seeks help, the chances are very slim. When worst comes to worst, people who experienced this condition for a day, will have it everyday for the rest of hi/her life. They are people with social anxiety disorder.

One thing common to all socially anxious people is that they share the same knowledge that their thoughts and fears are basically irrational, which only means, they know exactly that the people they think are misjudging and criticizing them are not true at all. They acknowledged that their thoughts, doubts, and feelings are in a way exaggerated and irrational, yet, despite the fact that they know what’s really going on, they find it hard to control, and still continue to feel that way.

If there’s bad, there’s always good, and the good thing is that social anxiety is curable. There are many therapeutic methods which have been studied, but cognitive-behavioral therapy is the only modality that has been made known to work effectively. Actually, the treatment of social phobia through cognitive-behavioral methods has the capacity to produce long-term, permanent relief to sufferers of social phobia. Isn’t it a happy ending, after all?

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Article Source: Learn And Be Guided About Social Anxiety

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Be Aware Of Anxiety Attack Symptoms

  • Posted on July 3, 2009 at 3:42 am

Anxiety attack can be a very terrifying experience. It is a period of sudden and intense fear or discomfort, typically with an abrupt onset and usually lasting for no more than 10 minutes. Sometimes a person can experience a panic attack all of a sudden without particular reason. Most people that experience one attack will usually experience another attack, and those who have recurring attacks, or feel severe anxiety about having another are said to have panic disorder.

Various individuals report different symptoms during an anxiety attack. Some of the common anxiety attack symptoms are:

o Palpitations, a pounding of heart, or an accelerated heart rate
o Increased sweating
o Trembling or shaking
o Shortness of breath
o Chest pain or discomfort
o Nausea or stomach discomfort
o A feeling light-headedness, or faint
o A feeling of unreality
o Depersonalization or a feeling of being detached from oneself
o Fear of losing control or going crazy
o Fear of dying
o Numbness, or a tingling sensation
o Chills
o Feeling of impending doom

These are some of the possible anxiety attack symptoms. A normal person may experience one or more of these symptoms from time to time. Having to experience some of these anxiety attack symptoms is considered normal if you have reasonable explanations for them. But if you are experiencing them with no apparent reasons, it can be a sign of a more serious condition.

A person with phobia will usually experience an anxiety attack as a direct result of exposure to the things that trigger the phobia. These anxiety attacks are short- lived and quickly relieved once the trigger is escaped.

Usually an anxiety attack begins with an unusual bodily sensation from the anxiety attack symptoms. A person having an anxiety attack will then react, with fear that the symptoms are indicators of a much more serious threat and in turn reacts with more fear which intensified into a state of intense anxiety and panic. Cases of the possible situations where anxiety attack can occur are: when driving, on an airplane, crowded areas, or during sleep at night. Sometimes anxiety attack occurs in a situation where the person cannot exit easily from a social gathering, or in a meeting, but others may experience an incident of anxiety for no reason while in comfortable place or even in sleep.

Anxiety attack symptoms are more or less the same feelings we might experience if we feel danger is about to happen. They are signs of how we usually react if we are triggered by fear, worry, and concern. But, chill out! Fortunately, anxiety attack is not an illness.

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Article Source: Be Aware Of Anxiety Attack Symptoms

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Helpful Tips Regarding Anxiety Cure

  • Posted on July 3, 2009 at 3:42 am

It is normal for people to experience anxiety from to time. It makes us cope from very stressful situations. But when anxiety becomes too much and turns into irrational fear of everyday circumstances, it becomes a debilitating anxiety disorder. Unlike short-lived, mild anxiety caused by a stressful event, anxiety disorder lasts at least 6 months and may worsen if not properly and immediately treated.

The best way to anxiety cure is to understand anxiety condition. Anxiety is a troubled state of mind. Anxiety results from fearful thinking of future events or situations. It is a condition that is not accidental, unknown, or uncontrollable. Anxiety condition occurs for specific reason and have underlying basis why it persists. Education is an important way to help attain anxiety cure. Here are some of the helpful tips towards anxiety cures which may aid in taking control over your own emotions again.

Relaxation techniques- a person feeling anxious most of the time has trouble relaxing, however, learning how to release muscle tension is an important anxiety cure. Relaxation techniques include: regular muscle relaxation, meditation, abdominal breathing, and isometric relaxation exercise.

Proper breathing techniques- the physical symptoms of anxiety maybe triggered by hyperventilation or rapid breathing, which raises oxygen levels and reduces the amount of carbon dioxide in the blood. A person with anxiety condition should know how to breathe from their diaphragm, and not from their chest, to prevent against hyperventilation. This technique can help you calm down while feeling anxious.

Cognitive therapy- this technique focuses on altering patterns of thinking and beliefs that are associated with ad trigger anxiety. The basis of cognitive therapy is that ideas can trigger thoughts, which then trigger feelings, results manifest trough action. Cognitive therapy strategies should include rational self-talk, training on attention, reality testing cognitive challenging, and cognitive restructuring. This means monitoring your self-talk, challenging fears and beliefs, and checking out the negative thoughts in terms of their reality.

Behavior therapy- the major component of behavior therapy is exposure. Exposure therapy involves deliberately confronting your fears in order to desensitize yourself. Exposure lets you to redefine the danger or fear aspect of the situation or trigger.

Medication- is important to see medication as a short-term measure, not a solution to anxiety disorder. Studies show that psychological therapies are much more effective than drugs in managing anxiety disorder in the long run. Brief course of tranquilizers or antidepressants may be prescribed by your doctor to help you deal with the symptoms.

Dietary adjustments- inadequate intake of vitamin B and calcium can worsen anxiety symptoms. Nicotine, caffeine, and stimulant drugs should be avoided for they trigger your adrenaline glands to release adrenaline, one of the main stress chemical.

Exercise – burns up stress chemicals and promotes relaxation. Plan to do some physical activities at least 3 to 4 times a week and vary your activities to avoid boredom.

There may have effective anxiety cure, but the level of recovery depends on the participation and willingness of the person with anxiety condition. The sooner you can get treatment, the bigger your chance of getting better and be back to normal health.

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Article Source: Helpful Tips Regarding Anxiety Cure

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How to Stay Centered in a Crisis

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Life is full of events that test us. These events try our abilities to cope and deal effectively with such occurrences as death in the family, financial problems, health issues, job losses and such. What is difficult for some to see is that each of these events present to us an opportunity for growth and evolvement. This is especially difficult to see when we are in the middle of one of these events. Anyone wishing to arrive on the other side of a crisis a stronger, more capable individual would be better served understanding ahead of time the nature of these events, and in particular, how we respond to them.

When I was a child, I remember that my school had a merry-go-round. A popular game was for a bunch of kids to pile on while another group tried to spin it as fast as they could in an effort to throw the riders off. I also remember that the best position to be in was directly in the center. When I would stand in the center of that merry-go-round I was not afraid of falling off like the other kids because all I had to do was stand while they hung on to the bars for dear life!

When you are in balance with the world, you are like the kid who stands in the center of this merry-go-round. You see clearly in all directions. You are in a state of being that is effortless. You are content, unafraid and have a general sense of well-being. From this position it is easier to see the glass as half full. We feel confident, grounded and comfortable, especially compared to those who are using all of their energy just to hold on. I think most people would agree that it is preferable to stand in this place of balance so what happens that we move from this place at the center and lose our balance?

Life happens. The world is spinning at the speed of life and we can become complacent during the times when it spins slowly. When an event happens to take our attention away from this balance such as kids, the house, the car, work, illness or death the unaware can quickly lose balance. When these events occur there is a brief moment between what we “think” of the occurrence and how we “feel” about that event where we forget to be AWARE.

AWARE that life is always trying to teach us and no lesson comes without a test or two.

AWARE that we are connected to the Source and that we can draw all that we need from that Source.

AWARE that we are creators and capable of determining the outcome for ourselves.

AWARE that we have the choice to be compassionately detached and do not have to be sucked into and dragged down by this event.

These are all things that we were aware of in our state of balance. This is the grounded, connected feeling. We could see things clearly and life seemed effortless, making optimism easy.

We are hardwired for survival. Sometimes this works for us and sometimes, against us. When an event occurs, we quickly assess our thoughts on the event. The brain works to identify any possible threats to the safety of the body and a myriad of diagnostic thoughts happen in the blink of an eye. Once we know what we think of an event, we look to see how we feel about it. If at any time in the thinking we perceived something to be hurtful or fearful, our emotions such as fear, anger or sadness kick in, followed by other emotions like doubt and despair. This causes balance to be lost.

If we don’t remember to be aware at the place between thought and feeling, we can spin out of control quickly. The further away you get from the “center” and the closer you get to the edge of this merry-go-round, the more likely you are to be thrown.

How to Stay Centered

In the time when a trying event occurs:

DECIDE whether it is in your best interest, or in the best interest of others, to stay in balance or it if is better to spin out of control.

KNOW that you might not be able to do anything to make your situation better, but you can always make it worse. You want to make the highest choice and such choices are better made by centered people, those who are in balance.

REMEMBER

* that life is teaching you and you don’t want to miss the learning, You will just have to get the same lesson in another way! Best to get the lesson and move on.
* that you are connected to an inexhaustible Source and you already have what you need.
* that you are a creator who is capable of determining the outcome and then creating it.
* that compassionate detachment is recognizing that we are a part of an event without needing to be attached to it. This is especially true of emotional attachment. Emotions can blind us and take us off center.

Our goal is to learn from life and we do this best when we are in balance. Life was never meant to be a struggle. When you know what contributes to effortless living and walk in awareness of the things that can upset balance, you will be better prepared to stay centered in a crisis.

May life spin with you firm in the center!

Ralph P. Brown (also known as Tawennihake) is a Mohawk Indian of the Akwesasne tribe. Ralph an author and self-taught artist who draws inspiration from his native culture, nature and his unique perspective on the world and his spirituality. Ralph is also a ceremony leader, pipe carrier and musician. He is the author of “Awakening the Eagle: A Guide to the Medicine Wheel” and “13 Virtues to a New Life: A Journey Around the Medicine Wheel”. Visit his website at www.mirroredwindows.com for additional insight, stories, lessons and visual creations related to many Native American stories.

Article Source: How to Stay Centered in a Crisis

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Ten Ways To Nail Your Next Medical Procedure

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm

 Report for the procedure wearing clean underwear and trying hard to appear cool. Fasting is such a nasty business. Strip down. Suit up. Did she say this clown-gown ties in the front or the back? It’s a joke to call this faded elephant bib a “gown.” When did all my spider veins join up to become a Brooklyn street map!? 
 
“Follow me, please.” I feel as if I’m six and being led to the principal’s office.  Turn right, then left, through these double doors, a right and another left. I will never find my clothes again. Enter Room B. where masked men hover and mumble in tongues. . . Greek, Latin, Klingon? Not one of them can be a day over 16. Shudda gone to the bathroom. “Remove your glasses, please.” So now I’m shivering, starving, cranky and blind.
 
I have skillfully (yes, brilliantly on occasion) sailed the treacherous shoals of the corporate world without so much as breaking a sweat, but then I wasn’t wearing paper slippers, a dust-rag dress and absolutely no underwear. Can caffeine withdrawal cause permanent brain damage?
 
Sit down/stand up/roll over/shoulders back/chest out/don’t breathe or move/drink all this down at once/this will only hurt a bit/try to hold it in till you get to the bathroom. Woops. What is this! Obedience school? How did I end up in a Gary Larsen cartoon?
 
It is well within your power to complete every medical challenge successfully and gracefully. 
 
Rehearse 
Once the details of a procedure have been explained to you, set aside time to prepare. Think through the procedure several times (in as much detail as possible) as if you were watching a movie. Keep it simple. You don’t have to administer this procedure. You simply have to endure it. Picture the desired outcome. As you watch your mind-movie, keep your eyes closed, your body completely relaxed and (most important) your breathing deep, slow and steady. A couple repetitions will usually do the trick. When it is time for the actual test, commit to this same slow-paced breathing.
 
Relax
Mental and physical tension creates and magnifies discomfort. If the procedure brings on brief and unavoidable pain, relax into it. Breathe into it rather than fighting against it. Tension sets up a vicious cycle: the more it hurts, the tighter you get and the tighter you get, the more it hurts. Break this cycle by keeping your muscles relaxed and your breathing steady.
 
Remember
The medical staff works for you. All their attention is focused on completing your procedure perfectly the very first time. Their preoccupation may make you feel invisible and insignificant but it is difficult for them to do their best job and be warm and fuzzy at the same time. This is not the time to engage them in conversation about how insensitive your mother-in-law was about the turkey stuffing.
 
Know that even the most sophisticated and experienced adults (yes, doctors, nurses and SWAT cops) feel vulnerable under these circumstances. Apprehension about test results and loss of control can make anyone feel like a private in boot camp instead of a general. This is not boot camp and you are still the general in charge of your own mind and body.
 
Research
Do your homework. Don’t be shy about discussing with your doctor the details of your test, your condition and how to interpret the results. There are wonderful medical reference books and online sites that explain your procedure in detail so you will know in advance exactly what to expect.
 
If you don’t own a computer, go to the library and use the computer there. A patient, experienced, understanding librarian will assist if you need guidance. Online sites are rich with valuable information that can ease your concerns. However, online medical sites do not grant you a medical degree but do help you become a wiser patient. You will find clear answers to logical questions. Why and how is this test performed? What should I do to prepare and what follow-up information should I expect? Are there questions I should bring up to the doctor or nurse? What are the risks? How will the test feel?  Take the mystery out of the situation. 
 
Rein in your imagination
Don’t bite off more than you can chew. “My cousin’s neighbor’s son-in-law’s boss had this exact same procedure and he dropped dead as a doornail within the hour. DEAD!”  This kind of creative fiction is rarely accurate and is always counterproductive. Stay focused on what is necessary to get you through the next five minutes.
 
Record
Prepare in advance a concise and detailed list of your allergies, your current medications, and the symptoms that led to this procedure. Don’t assume that the technicians will have an up-to-date list or that your memory will be reliable.
 
Rejoice
You have easy access to medical tests, procedures and shared information that doctors in other countries can only dream about. Unlike your parents and grandparents you have the opportunity to find a problem while it is still small instead of simply waiting for the dreaded symptoms. You have access to techniques and equipment that will almost always put the odds in your favor. Best of all, you are born into an era when prevention is as important as treatment. You are part of a new generation of doctors who have been trained to include the patient as a valued part of the medical team. 
 
Request
Request a printed detailed copy of all test results. There is always a minute-by-minute log describing your surgery and most lab reports come with a definition of each test and the normal range for each. Order your own copies of important X-rays. Label medical files carefully. Inform your family where the files are kept.   
 
Reward
Set a land speed record for the nearest giant cheeseburger and double latte.
Back to your former glory – worldly, confident, and wearing underwear.
 
Revenge
Vow to correct everything possible in your life that could have led to the need for this concern. Always schedule an annual checkup and never avoid a procedure that could improve or even save your life.

Diane Neuman founded The Yoga Workshop in San Francisco where for 11 years she taught students of all ages and backgrounds. Neuman wrote How To Get The Dragons Out Of Your Temple for Celestial Arts. She currently writes and illustrates a self-help blog that draws on her 50 years of study of yoga, advanced breathing techniques, stress management and relaxation exercises. Check out her blog http://breathingdeepexercises.com each week for a new breathing lesson.

Article Source: Ten Ways To Nail Your Next Medical Procedure

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