I adopted our youngest when she was four months old after her biological parents gave her up for adoption. She is now 14. Both parents had severe addictions to crystal meth, and realized that so long as they were addicts, they could not take care of their daughter.
We opted for an open adoption, and Ashley’s mother was very active with her. They seemed to have a very good relationship and was welcome in our home anytime. She and my daughter had a great relationship, and while she feels like part of our family she loved being around her bio.
She never did kick her habit, but she NEVER visited Ashley whilst high or withdrawing and for that I commend her. They had a very healthy bio/adoptee relationship despite everything. She tried multiple times to quit, but she eventually died a couple of months ago after her heart gave out. Of course our daughter was completely shattered after losing her.
Her father was a different story. She’s met him all of six times since she was born, and every time we’ve met up with him to visit he was tweaking out of his mind, and kept calling her by the name of one of his other children. She usually leaves the visit in tears and very confused. He has had very little to do with our daughter, and she has typically wound up calling him for visits out of a great need to reconnect with him. He has never shown initiative and it hurts her a lot. She eventually gave up, and stopped contact.
But ever since her mother died a couple of months ago, her father has been showing up at her school, calling her cell phone and showing up at the house without calling. She is horribly torn, she feels betrayed by her father and (quite understandably) scared by his bizarre behavior. But at the same time, she feels like she may lose out on a chance to reconnect with him and have a relationship with him.
I cannot make this decision for her, it’s not my place to do. But it is my place to protect her, and this man doesn’t seem safe to me. He is still constantly coming around while high. Not to mention seeing his past behavior i’m inclined to think he cannot change. I don’t want to see my daughter hurt, physically or emotionally. But I don’t want to deny her the chance at a relationship with her father after she just lost her mother. She seems distraught every time he comes around and she comes to me for advice on how to handle the situation, and i’m afraid I cannot give her any answers.
Does anyone know how to handle this?
Support and stand by your daughter
With you standing by her,she will be safe and have someone to trust
I not exactly sure either. God bless you for adopting this girl first of all. You (daughter?) should have a relationship with her biological parents unless it is harmful to her.
talk to her father and explain you dont like him being around her while he is high, and its hurting her. tell him he is more than welcome to see her, but he needs to act like an adult. if its an open adoption than he has the right to see her, but you can stop him if you feel uncomfortable with it. im sure your daughter knows whats going on, and it wouldnt hurt for her to have a relationship with him, but have her explain how much it hurts her to him.
well i will say only this that u should to support ur Daughter
I agree with some of the others, that you SHOULD sit down and talk to her dad. However, that doesn’t adress the present situation. I would talk with your daughter’s teachers and/or her school counselor and tell them what is going on. He should NOT be coming to her school and they should put a stop to that immediately. I would talk to your daughter and ask her if she would like him to contact her cell phone or if she would rather he called the home phone. If she is ok with it, I would temporarily block his number from her phone, until he can clean up his act. You need to sit down with him and give him some strict guidelines for when and under what condition he can visit with his daughter. I understand that you don’t want her to lose her relationship with her dad, but what kind of relationship is it if he is showing up high and doesn’t even know who she is? I think that 14 is already a rough enough age without your blitzed dad showing up at your school. This isn’t a relationship that they have….it is a co-dependency of sorts for sure, but it is harming her emotionally. She, in some ways, has become the parent to her own father. She is behaving as the adult and he is behaving as the child….but she isn’t an adult….and she shouldn’t have to do this. Unfortunately, she needs you to make some of these difficult decisions for her. You need to sit down with her and have a serious discussion and see where she wants to take it. Do not make him out to be a bad guy, obviously, but help her to understand that this current situation is NOT a relationship…and certainly not a healthy one. I would suggest perhaps making set dates for him to visit with her….like every other thursday or whatever. I don’t believe that he will stick to these times. If he doesn’t, however, he will have to leave and come back on the appropriate day and time. I would explain to him that this is NOT because you or your daughter are angry with him, but because she needs routine and normalcy in her life. I wish you well!!
As an adoptee who has found both biological mother and father, my advice would be to tell her to stay away from him until he quits the drug habit. My bio father is an alcoholic. I stay away from him and his current family. That is my choice. I do not want my children subjected to his abuse. My decision was a little easier too since I was a little older. It needs to be your daughter’s choice or she WILL resent you for interfering but she really does need to stay away unless he can get on the right track.