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My daughter and her husband are alcoholics…..?

  • Posted on February 3, 2011 at 10:17 pm

and in a rapid downward spiral. I’m losing her and nothing I say or do makes any difference. Any ideas on what to do? Nothing religious please.

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I have an 11 year old daughter and my parents are alcoholics. What should my daughter do this weekend with em?

  • Posted on December 2, 2010 at 4:17 pm
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Adult Daughters of Alcoholics

  • Posted on January 4, 2010 at 2:08 pm

A few times in my life, someone has taken a quick look at me and been able to tell me about myself or a little bit about who I am or what I’ve been through. Some people have that gift. Whether they are psychologists, tarot readers, or some old lady in the grocery store line, they are able to see something in my eyes that tells my entire story – in a language only they understand.


This sort of deep fundamental analysis of my psyche has rarely happened outside of interpersonal contact. However, when I first read Perfect Daughters, by Dr. Robert J. Ackerman, I felt like he was one of those people who could look inside me, but adding to the complexity, was the fact that it was through the pages of a book.


The book is written on the subject of adult daughters of alcoholics. Though published in 1989, the book’s core values and principals still apply in today’s alcoholic-ridden society. Millions of women have grown up under the care of alcoholics developing certain traits, repeating certain patterns, not really sure why they have become the person they have.


Perfect Daughters attempts to explain the characteristics of an adult daughter of an alcoholic. For this book, he studied more than 1200 women who grew up in alcoholic families in order to substantiate that there is in fact a distinct difference between them and those who did not grow up in an alcoholic family. The book is geared towards recovery, since no two women could have possible lived the same lives and endured the same heartache.


Dr. Ackerman separates the book into four parts:


Part One: An exploration of childhood for one raised by an alcoholic parent


In this section, Dr. Ackerman addresses the differences in parental gender and its affect on the child. It is often felt that being the child of an alcoholic mother is extremely different than being one of an alcoholic father.


Part Two: An exploration of yourself and your behaviors


Why are you who you are? Where do these patterns – both negative and positive – emerge? How have you managed to cope with the issues in your past and present?


Part Three: Exploration of past and present behaviors and accepting them


Dr. Ackerman explores the opinions of the adult daughters on relationships, parenting, parental issues and addictions. Every woman may not have addressed every issue, but there was at least one woman to exemplify every issue.


Part Four: Exploration of discovering and recovering


This section is about finding the strength and beauty within. Learning to accept those parts of yourself you cherish and discard or change those parts that are harmful.

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is there an alternative to A.A (alcoholics anonymous)?

  • Posted on January 1, 2010 at 7:32 pm

My daughter used to get into trouble sometimes for drinking at parties and coming home drunk. it was always a problem and we sent her to first a teen aa meeting and then an adult AA meeting. she is 17 and AA is not working for her. she is drinking it more than ever now, when i try to stop her or get mad at her she throws quotes from the AA bible at me about how I am the problem, how SHE has a disease that i don’t understand, etc. she has even been getting drunk WITH some of the men who she met at the AA meetings! this is terrible. UI hate AA, i wish there was an alternative to alcoholics anonymous.

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Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts

  • Posted on January 1, 2010 at 7:07 pm

The conversation began easily enough, “My brother is bleeding our parents into the poor house with his unending demands for money – money to support his addictions – and they don’t seem able to stop giving it to him, even though he isn’t getting any better. What can we do?”

Or we hear from the parents themselves, “How can I get my spouse to stop giving our adult daughter money she just spends on booze or drugs? Her promises are worthless and the demands endless.”

It’s not an uncommon condition. Parents are living longer, some adult children make childishness a career, and it isn’t easy to say no to a son or daughter, regardless of their age. Then add in the grandchildren, hostages held for ransom as your child essentially blackmails you into supporting their drug and/or alcohol abuse: “Give me the money or I will kill myself,” or “they will starve,” or “we’ll be on the streets,” is the implied or actual threat, yet the money does no good.

As parents you capitulate even as you destroy your own fragile financial security. You hand over cash, even though you know it’s useless, often wondering if your child’s problem is something you caused. You post bail, buy cars, pay rent, doctors’ and attorneys’ fees, and pay for treatment that they rarely see through and that usually doesn’t work even when they do. Funds intended to benefit the grandchildren disappear without benefiting anyone. The cycle continues until someone dies or there isn’t anything left to extort. It seems like the only choice.

But is it?

Though it takes toughness that’s hard to muster and support that even harder to find, there are alternatives. It means finding the courage to face the reality without being swept away by understandable emotions. Managing this means overcoming a lot of mythology.

The most destructive belief most of us have held at one time or another is that alcohol and drug abuse is an incurable disease over which the addict or alcoholic has no control. Believing this, how can any parent deny support to a sick child? This is the lever that every active drunk and junkie – and many “recovering” ones as well – use to control everyone around them: “I isn’t my fault and if you don’t give me the money I’ll die.”   

The trouble is that drug and alcohol abuse, dependence, and addiction, aren’t really diseases, they’re choices – choices the alcoholic and addict made and continue to make. These choices can be unmade, but as long as you’re supporting them financially, protecting them from the consequences of their choices and behaviors, why would they change?

The answer to that is that they aren’t going to.

Most of us go though our lives wishing someone else would change. The reality is, however, that we can’t change anyone but ourselves. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it’s enough. When you change how you deal with your adult children they too are forced to change. How they change isn’t predictable, but they will change.

These reactive changes are the hard part. Initially they will probably escalate their aggressive behaviors to get you to return to the old status quo, no matter how awful that really was for everyone. That will include using their children to get to you.

And what about those grandchildren?

This is when the need for support comes in. It’s hard to stand up to the drunk or the druggie when they have no restraints on what they will say or do. Endless promises, threats, and blame will follow any interruption in the cash flow. You want to believe the promises, you succumb to the threats, or you cave in to the guilt that the blaming dredges up, no matter how real or ridiculous. But you need to stand firm.

So how do you go about doing what you know is right when everything seems stacked against you?

First it’s necessary to keep in mind what you already know: your child will bleed you dry and out onto the street before they will stop exploiting you. You also know that continuing will never benefit your grandchildren. That’s a fact. Hold onto it. Cut them off and they may in fact decide to die rather than clean up. Instead, begin to plan ways to taper off the support in return for demonstrated progress in cleaning up – and be prepared to either take on the grandchildren yourself or allow someone else to. Make arrangements or contact Child Protection or both. Explore the options.

Second, they can clean up if they are sufficiently motivated and the treatment mode is carefully chosen. That’s a bit of a problem, of course. Virtually all forms of treatment in the U.S. have success rates of less than 10% over two years. AA itself reports a 95% drop out rate in the first year, and most treatment is based on AA.

Third, it really is okay to save yourself and the rest of your family. An almost universally overlooked aspect of the relationship of older parents to adult addicted children is that the financial support actually rewards the child for their self-destructive choices and behaviors while penalizing the parents, other children, and grandchildren. What kind of nonsense is that?

So what’s a parent to do?

Remember that you don’t have to stay stuck in the insanity of the addicted child’s world. You can stay clear and not be sucked down in all of the usual “powerlessness” and “disease” model ad copy that only serves to perpetuate and justify addiction-based exploitation. Drug and alcohol abuse, dependence and addiction are a choice. Sometimes the choice makes sense, sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes it’s crept up so gradually that no one noticed it for a long time, but it’s still a choice. So is cleaning up.

You can offer to help them sober up. It’s hard to find effective treatment, but you can look for programs with a multitude of options for clients, a diverse staff (not dominated by “recovering” individuals), aftercare that isn’t limited to attending recovery groups, and a focus on the clients strengths, interests, and future activities – not on the past, on drinking and using, or helplessness. Remember that the most common cause of relapse is a belief in powerlessness. Avoid any program that makes that belief part of their philosophy.

Start rewarding yourself and your family for achievements and accomplishments, not for destructive choices and habits and behaviors. You may not be able to keep a son or daughter from destroying themselves, but you and the rest of your family don’t have to go with them.

Finally, it’s good to get competent help in this process. You need to know, regardless of the outcome, that you have done everything possible, given every opportunity, and explored every option. The process of genuinely helping an adult child is difficult at best and outcomes, regardless of advertising copy, are very uncertain. Give yourself, your troubled child, and the rest of your family, the benefit of the best opportunities and support available. 

Your addicted adult child is still an adult and will still make their own choices, one of which may be their own destruction. You can encourage and support other outcomes, but not by financing the addictive behaviors. Don’t let yourself be guilt driven, blackmailed, or intimidated into perpetuating the problem.

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Factors Distracting Alcohol Rehabilitation Procedure

  • Posted on July 3, 2009 at 5:13 am

The major factor that distracts an alcohol rehabilitation procedure is the environment. If the alcoholic does not feel comfortable or neglected, he will search out escape routes. If the people carrying out the rehabilitation procedures are not caring or the alcoholic feels uncomfortable, he or she may act as if they have rehabilitated just to end the procedure. Alternatively, they may react violently towards the people carrying out the rehabilitation procedures.

An alcoholic has reached this state definitely because of some reason. The only way to rehabilitate him or her is by making them desire for rehabilitation. The rehabilitation cannot be forced. Either alcoholics will require rehabilitation because they may lose their lives if they are not rehabilitated, or they are suffering from a health problem caused by consuming too much alcohol.

However, whatever may be the case it’s the alcoholic’s own will power that will do the trick. An alcoholic must have the will to live and to stop drinking. This is what a rehabilitation procedure is supposed to do. If the recovering alcoholic cannot get on with the psychiatrist or psychologist, how is he going to recover? If he feels that he is devoted with insufficient time, he’s not going to recover.

If after rehabilitation, he has to go back to the same environment. Facing the same set of social and family problems, he will return to drinking. Therefore, a number of factors matter in a rehabilitation procedure. First is the attitude of the staff of the rehabilitation center. They must recognise that an alcoholic is a disease like any other disease, and requires proper nursing and care.

They must not be treated with disdain or like social outcasts. They should not be made to feel rebellious. In fact, they must be treated as normal human beings. Alcoholics are human beings who are suffering from an acute problem! Secondly, the atmosphere of the rehabilitation center must be serene and soothing. However, most important is getting the alcoholic to speak about what drives them to alcohol, and how can this urge be removed.

The family plays a major role in this. Family support, acceptance, and spending time in good company are what an alcoholic needs. The alcoholic may be deeply disturbed and may feel a sense of loneliness. Having no responsibilities, an ample income and nothing to do can drive a person to alcohol. There are no wonder cures for this ailment and even the best rehabilitation procedures can fail.

The doctors can be the best, the atmosphere friendly and serene. Yet the rehabilitation procedure can fail. Until the alcoholic is not ready to change and has the will to change, the procedure is doomed to fail.

Rehabilitation requires building a one on one relationship with an alcoholic. Getting them first to speak about what drives them to drink, then building their will power to leave drinking and making them mentally strong. This is what will work. An alcoholic must genuinely believe in change. Only when they develop this attitude, the rehabilitation procedure will work. One on one session group therapy and other procedures can fail if the alcoholic refuses to budge mentally.

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Article Source: Factors Distracting Alcohol Rehabilitation Procedure

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Problems If Your Spouse Is An Alcoholic

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 9:37 am

Alcoholics are sensitive part of our societies, especially if they are one of our close relatives. It becomes more painful if someone’s spouse happens to be an alcoholic. Knowing that your spouse is an alcoholic puts a lot of pressure and depression on a person. He/she becomes depressed on the first instance, and feels it hard to digest the reality.

There are various kinds of pressures on a person if the spouse has taken up alcohol. These include psychological pressures, emotional pressures, physical pressures, ethical pressures, and economical pressures. When a husband becomes an alcoholic, then economical pressure tops all the others, whereas, when a wife becomes an alcoholic, emotional and social pressures top the others.

Being an alcoholic, a person tries to remain aloof. According to a psychological analysis done on alcoholics, alcoholics wish to remain aloof and want to hide in the realm of a dreamland due to one reason or another. It is necessary to provide complete confidence to such persons, as there can be numerous reasons behind this problem of a person.

Leaving an alcoholic spouse alone means that he/she has been thrown into deeper troubles. The chances of their revival may become nil in this way. In such a case, you will need to be more courageous and supportive to bring out your spouse from the condition of alcoholism. Some regard alcoholism as a habit, some call it a psychological problem, whereas a few take it as a disease. In fact, it is a combination of all these, so the manner of dealing an alcoholic should be manifold.

An alcoholic spouse becomes havoc for the counterpart. If the male in a couple has become an alcoholic, then his wife will have to tackle him with tact. She will have to convince him that he is doing wrong. She must make him realise that his act is not bad only for himself but also for the rest of the family. If she is a mother, then her problems intensify even more. She becomes conscious of the affects of her husband’s alcoholism upon her children.

The rehab centres throughout the world house females too. Amongst them, most of the patients had seen alcoholic fathers in their childhood. Nevertheless, if a wife has taken up alcoholism, her husband has to become more attentive and active. He has to look after the house, his children, as well as his alcoholic wife along with the various job responsibilities.

A husband can also lose his job if he is an alcoholic. In that case, the wife has to worry about finances along with her other responsibilities. He/she has to provide an alibi to people each time for a bad act of the spouse. Their social life completely diminishes gradually due to the feeling of shame in front of others.

Any of the spouses becoming an alcoholic becomes the cause of a number of troubles for the counterpart. It is better to remain normal and drink only to an extent that doesn’t lead you to alcoholism. For the safe side, you can also confine your drinking only to holidays or weekends.

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Article Source: Problems If Your Spouse Is An Alcoholic

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Things You Need To Learn About Motivational Enhancement Therapy

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Motivational Enhancement Therapy or MET is one method of psychological therapy that delves into the motivation of an individual for change. Usually, those who undergo Motivational Enhancement Therapy are people with substance dependency such as alcoholics or those with a psychological illness like eating disorders who are very reluctant towards change and who, in most cases, deny that they have a problem to begin with.

The goal of Motivational Enhancement Therapy is to make a person acknowledge that he has a problem and that a change is necessary. It is the job of the therapist to help a person discover the motivational factors that will make him want to change his condition and associated behaviors. Through this counseling approach, this person becomes willing to undergo treatment. The theory behind this approach is that motivation must come inherently in order for change to become effective.

In Motivational Enhancement Therapy, the clients set their own goals although the therapist can make recommendations such as total abstinence, for example. The role of the therapist is that of a guide and the driving force of change is always the client. While this approach is described as directive it is not confrontational, which means it employs more of supportive strategies such as asking open-ended questions and parallel talking. Successful Motivational Enhancement Therapy inspires change without making the client feel that he is being forced, influenced or controlled.

Motivational Enhancement Therapy sessions differ depending on what phase of motivation a client is in whether he is at the initial point where change is not a consideration, or he is already thinking about change and assessing its pros and cons, or he has decided to make a change and looking at options and, lastly, whether the patient has already taken some concrete actions towards change.

In general, sessions work around specific themes such as reasons to stop the problematic behavior or what the patients like and dislike about use of alcohol, for instance. The typical structure of a session of Motivational Enhancement Therapy starts with open-ended questions with a summary of the discussion at the end, at which point the client is given the chance to reflect on the session.

A good motivational counselor or therapist should have a solid understanding of the client’s point of reference. Aside from evoking from the patient statements that are in favor of change, a good therapist must also be able to highlight such statements by filtering the thoughts of the client as well as weaken statements that reflect the current behavior. Lastly, a good therapist makes clients feel accepted and affirms their freedom to choose what is best for their life.

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Article Source: Things You Need To Learn About Motivational Enhancement Therapy

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