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My wife told me on our 6 yr anniversary she had sex with a male friend who’s also married?

  • Posted on October 2, 2010 at 1:23 pm

they are her friends carol and J , from her job she got in 1996 in florida . We broke up girl friend boy friend that same year about and she moved to florida from New Jersey with a new boy friend andru. they were engaged 6 years but all they time she was friends with carol and J. Then in 2001 she meet me at my house in N.J. because she broke up with andru because he crashed her car in a dwi. We phone and dated when she could come to N.J. , In 2003 i moved to florida and 2004 we married . I hate carol and J because they are drug users and sex swingers and carol also has a 21 year old daughter form another guy who’s in jail for murder the daughter is crazy and is goth and emo and cuts her self with razors plus detention school IE messed up . I told my wife not to see them anymore because of their life style . She got made at me and was very resentful. In 2008 4 years after are marage and still fighting them off. She told me J and her had sex . Should i forgive, devorce, $%^& j , WHAT WOULD YOU DO
I know i have to get checked for aids or other disease other then the fact i have no idea who this guys been F$%kin@
yes she did cheat on carol with j before we was married i only heard of it after we married

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Seasons of Sadness

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:36 pm

I’ve never really been a summer person but since 1994, the dog days of summer have really become my season of sadness. My first husband died on August 19 of that year. Ever since, the weeks surrounding that date have been difficult for me.

Most people mark their year with anniversaries – the celebration of birthdays, holidays, and days significant to us for one reason or another. After a loss, those anniversaries can be quite painful. I, personally, have found the days and weeks leading up to each anniversary date to be harder than the day itself. I call this anticipatory grieving.

The dictionary defines grief as, “keen mental suffering, distress over affliction or loss, and sharp sadness.” We often associate grieving with the death of a loved one but we can grieve any time we suffer a loss. We can grieve over the loss of a job, a relationship, or our health. We can grieve when we move from a home, have financial difficulties, or do not realize a dream. We can grieve alone, as a family or community.

While we share the experience of grieving with every other person on this planet, the way we grieve is unique to each of us. Some describe the act of grieving in different stages. Yet grieving is not a linear experience but a process that weaves through the fabric of our life. While the intensity of our grief can ebb and flow, there are no time boundaries to our grief. Even if our loss occurred years ago, we can experience grief at any time. Sometimes our grief surprises us as if it is saying, “Hey, I’m not done with you yet!”

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my grief. Grief is good; it just hurts so badly. Because I had experienced many losses prior my husband’s death, I was familiar with grieving and healthy ways to do it. In the days, weeks, and months after Max’s death I even welcomed those times of intense sadness and pain because in some way they made me feel closer to him. But, when my heart began aching, my natural inclination was to run away from the feelings rather than let them wash over me. I have to constantly remind myself to just “be” in my grief.

I have found the following strategies helpful during my seasons of sadness. I hope you will find them helpful in yours.

Embrace Your Grief
We all have built defense mechanisms to help us deal with pain. This is not the time to use them though. As a wave of grief begins to pass over you, let it flow. Acknowledge that you have good reason to feel this way and the more you let yourself experience grief, the less it will stick around. While the wave may last for minutes, hours, or even days it will eventually play itself out and you will feel peace again. My dad’s favorite expression was “this too shall pass.” He used it throughout his life but especially during the pain at the end of it. Your grief too shall pass. Embrace it until it does.

Experience Your Uniqueness
Each of us experiences grief in our own way. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t let others tell you how to grieve. Our loved ones don’t like to see us suffer. In order to avoid this, they often encourage us, in not so subtle ways, to hide our feelings. Or they may be quite up front about telling us to get over it. Accept your own uniqueness. Grieve in the way that is right for you.

Be Kind to Yourself
During times of grieving we should be especially good to ourselves. That means we should take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and doing some kind of physical exercise frequently to alleviate our stress. Don’t push yourself to do things you don’t want to do but be careful of the stress caused by avoiding doing those things. Being kind to yourself also means not anesthetizing yourself from your grief. Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or even food to avoid feeling your pain. If you feel overwhelmed, seek counsel from the leader of your faith community, your health care provider, or a therapist.

Express Yourself
The expression of grief can be in words, actions, or tears. Crying can be quite a relief yet many of us are afraid to cry during times of intense sadness because it feels as if we start we will never be able to stop. Don’t worry, you will eventually stop but in the meantime you will reap the benefits of a good cry. If you are like me, and do your best crying in private, be sure to find the alone time to let the tears flow. You may also gain comfort in writing what you feel. If you feel awkward in doing this, try writing your feelings in the form of a letter to a trusted friend. You don’t necessarily have to mail the letter but the writing can be the cathartic experience you need.

Surround Yourself with Love
While you may be a very private person and prefer to experience your grief alone, this is not the time to isolate yourself. Reach out to friends and family. They may need you more than you need them. When you’re with other people you will have more opportunities to laugh (a wonderful grief reliever), gain perspective, and share your pain. Share rituals with others, too. You may want to commemorate the anniversaries of loss with a time to reminisce or even a celebration of hope.

We need to honor our losses by letting ourselves grieve them. Life has many seasons of sadness. Just like spring follows winter, our sorrow is eventually followed by joy. We need both to truly make our life work.

Karen Rowinsky works with women, couples, and families in Kansas City and Overland Park who want to create the life they desire. You can learn about Karen’s marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling services by going to http://www.karenrowinsky.com.

Article Source: Seasons of Sadness

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Grief ~ a way to remember that feels good

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 6:41 pm

It was the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s passing and who knows what prompted me to write this, other than to pass on some thoughts. (Or maybe just some personal ramblings)

There’s a line in a song
‘ you left me here, to remind me of you’ and that to me is a comfort
~ as long as I am here, so will she.

and hopefully I can display those wonderful qualities she taught me by the way she was and the way she still is within me.

We don’t have to be sad, angry or alone when we remember those who have left us ~ I’m not ~ I miss her and speak to her most days and listen. Not just with my ears but with an awareness and I seem to understand.
But how can you remember in a way that makes you feel ok?

I feel I am lucky to have found NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) way back when I did. It has taught me to know I can experience memories how I want to experience them. I can remember times which before would bring on a negative emotion such as anger, sadness, guilt etc. but now they are just something that happened in my past and are void of those old feelings. Just as importantly I can re-experience the feelings of any good memory, in my mind I am there again and even better that that if I want I can magnify those good feelings and take them with me into my present-my now. In our trainings (my sons’ and mine) and my therapy work it’s great to see others find how much fun you can have learning and doing this and how it truly transforms their future.

Any way, back to that line of the song and one of the simple ways to remember that special someone.

This is what I do.
I think of a good time(s) with her and see it as if I’m looking through my own eyes.
I’m there again, seeing what I saw, hearing what I heard and I feel the good feelings I had and every good memory is the same way. I make it that way because that’s how I want it to be.

If any memory isn’t of a good time, I see it differently. I see myself in the memory, (as if it’s a movie with me in it) over there and I make it smaller and darker, I make it still and move it away from me ~ any not so good feeling just diminish

I also have noticed that a side effect of seeing, hearing and feeling those good memories is that you notice even more good things about that person. Things that you see, maybe a book they read or a photograph brings even more good feelings and sometimes a feeling of gratefulness that you had that person in your life. Now I can talk about my mother (and to her) with nothing other than love and good feelings – no tears just joy.
This is not the only way but a sure way to remember what you want, how you want to and it’s good to remember because……………..

‘ you left me here, to remind me of you’

Enjoy your every heart beat

Paul

Paul Clough is a trainer of NLP and Hypnosis, Master Practitioner of Time Line Therapy with his youngest son Joseph Clough. A practicing therapist and coach ~ Someone who talks the talk AND walks the walk. .For more information call +44(0)1223 720 120 or to see free hypnosis and NLP learning videos and audio downloads

Article Source: Grief ~ a way to remember that feels good

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