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What do you think of the beginning of my story?!?!?

  • Posted on January 2, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Actually, i am writiing it, but i took the idea from someone else. If you want to hear the full story idea, here is the link:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AntqfMtVSz45nTlk7Jd6y.Lsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090804120655AAZHyNp&show=7#profile-info-HXiPeI98aa

So, if you read it, i didnt steal it, i am helping her out. But i am curious if my writing sounds okay. So.. what do you think?

Prologue

“Things aren’t always as they seem.” We have all heard this phrase in some way or another. It is a classic grouping of words that is now considered cliché. We are all told not to use these words. We are told to come up with something more original, more creative. But this was exactly what I was thinking the day that I found out. Finding this out changed me like nothing has ever changed me before. I feel like I am a completely new person. I miss the old me, sometimes. Life was easier then, less complicated. And yet, I only half wish that I never found out. “Found out what exactly?” you might be asking. But I’m not ready to tell you that. There is a time and place for that story, and that is not now. I have to start my story from the beginning, where all good stories start. The beginning was the day that I decided I would be living in the dorm of Night Angel.

Chapter One

“No, Nicole, definitely not that one. Just look at the name. It just screams party dorm. Do you really want a bunch of intoxicated fraternity boys around you 24/7? You know that you are better than that.”
This is the way that it had been going for the past hour. All I was trying to do was find a place to live, put a roof over my head. I wasn’t that picky. But my mother thought that I “deserved better”. Like that was what she was really thinking. She just didn’t want to have to tell her colleagues that her daughter was living with someone who didn’t have a 10-bedroom house or a staff to do all the work. She could be so snobby sometimes.
“Mom, I really like this one. I don’t care if it’s not perfect. It just seems like the right dorm for me. Besides, you can’t tell a thing by looking at the name,” I said, trying once again to get her to realize that this decision was about me, not her.
“You haven’t even fully considered Night Angel. It is so much better! Don’t you remember our visit? They were all so friendly!” she exclaimed. Of course she would bring up Night Angel. She had been trying to sell me on this dorm all night. It didn’t seem that bad, really. I think it was more the fact that I would be doing what my mother wanted if I went there. And I tried to do that as little as possible.
“Mom, that’s enough. I am not going to live in Night Angel. Can’t you just let me pick what I want for once?” I practically screamed this at her. I had had enough.
“Excuse me, young lady, but who exactly is paying for you to go to this school?” she shot right back.
“But that doesn’t mean that you—“
“Oh, it doesn’t, does it? What would you have done if I didn’t pay for it? Stayed at home and worked at the a gas station all year?” This was practically a slap in the face. Did she really think that she was the only reason why I have done so well?
“It is totally my decision. You agreed to pay for. You never said that there were strings attached,” I stated, trying my best to remain calm.
“ Well, then let me make myself perfectly clear now, Nicole. If you want me to pay for your education, you will live in Night Angel. Is that understood?”
I didn’t say anything right away. I did not want to give into her again. She always got her way, but could I really go to college without her help? I didn’t have any money. I would have to take out loans. I couldn’t avoid the obvious. There was no way I could do this without her.
“Fine,” I finally answered. “I’ll live in Night Angel.”
“Great, now that that’s settled, all I have to do is call in and tell them your decision. I’m glad that you made the right choice, Nicole,” she cheerily responded. Like always, she ignored the fact that she had to practically blackmail me into this decision. I’d had enough of this.
“Hey, Mom. I’m going out.”
“Alright, honey, be back before it gets too late. We still have plenty of school stuff to figure out,” she said as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. Good riddance, I thought out to her as I slammed the front door shut.
Oh, and i like writing with the You’s. It gets the reader more involved in the story. And besides. This isnt the whole story like that. Just that one part. So deal with it.

And the whole arguement. The mother is SUPPOSED to change like that. She is supposed to go from mean and controlling to putting on a smile and way overly cheery. But i dont think that i explained that well enough at all. I need to re work it. But geez, dont just yell.. its called giving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Not just saying how much it sucks.

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Rewrote the beginning of my story.. What do you think?

  • Posted on November 21, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Prologue

“Things aren’t always as they seem.” We have all heard this phrase in some way or another. It is a classic grouping of words that is now considered cliché. We are all told not to use these words. We are told to come up with something more original, more creative. But this was exactly what I was thinking the day that I found out. The day that changed me forever.. I feel like I am a completely new person. I miss the old me sometimes. Life was easier then, less complicated. And yet, I only half wish that I never found out, never fully. “Found out what exactly?” you might be asking. But I’m not ready to tell you that. There is a time and place for that story, and that is not now. I have to start my story from the beginning, where all good stories start. The beginning of this story was the day that I decided I would be living in the dorm of Night Angel.

Chapter One

“No, Nicole, definitely not that one. Just look at the name. It just screams party dorm. Do you really want a bunch of intoxicated fraternity boys around you 24/7? You know that you are better than that.”
This is the way that it had been going for the past hour: my mother and me sitting across from each other on the couch, picking “together” which dorm I would be living in come fall. All I was trying to do was pick a dorm that worked for me, but so far, everyone that I had picked, my mother had shot down. She claimed that I “deserved better”. Like that was what she was really thinking. She just didn’t want to have to tell her colleagues that her daughter was living with someone who didn’t own a 10-bedroom house or a 12-person staff back home. She was always so judgmental.
“Mom, really. I like this one. I don’t care if it’s not perfect. It just seems like the right dorm for—“
“Night Angel has way more to offer than any of the other dorms there. Every one who has been a part of it has said that it made college the most memorable experience of their lives,” my mom repeated for about the 5th time that night.
“I know that but I don’t care if—“
“Seriously, Nicole, don’t you remember our visit? Everyone there was so friendly. How could you not want that?” looking at me with a quizzical expression, one that questioned my sanity. Why did she always do this to me when I didn’t agree with her? Why couldn’t she accept the fact that, for once, I might actually know what is best for me?
Apparently she didn’t pick up everything that I did during our visit. They were all friendly. She was right about that. So friendly, in fact, that it was bordering creepy. The whole group of them had all had huge fake smiles plastered onto their faces. I didn’t see a single other expression the whole time I was there. It gave me the impression that none of them really wanted to be there, that all the happiness was, in truth, an act. But I brushed off this idea, like I had when it first came to me. There was no way that my suspicions could be true. It just didn’t make sense.
“Mom, I just don’t want the same thing as—“
“Nicole, you have not listened to a single word that I have said about Night Angel. Why are you not willing to give it a chance?” she inquired with an expertly offended look on her face. This put me over the edge.
“I’m not listening to a word you say?” I asked incredulously, finally taking a stand… literally. I was on my feet without consciously thinking about it. “How dare you even say that when you have been interrupting me for the past hour!” I could hear my voice getting higher and higher with rage. My mother was looking at me as if I was a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Unbelievable! “Enough is enough, Mom. I am going to pick which dorm I will live in because I will be the one living there! Got it?”
“Calm down, Nicole. This is nothing to get so upset about,” she answered in a patronizing tone.
“I will not calm down! My whole life you have been making decisions for me. This time, I won’t let you!” I practically screamed in her face. She just stared at me, waiting for me to be finished. I stared back, breathing heavily.
“That’s perfectly alright, Nicole.” I couldn’t believe my ears. This actually worked? I was elated. But then she continued. “If you don’t want to live in Night Angel, that’s fine. But don’t expect me to pay for your tuition, or books, or anything else. If you want to make your own decisions, then you are on your own,” she finished, as calmly as if she were talking about the weather.
This couldn’t be happening! She had long ago agreed on paying for my college, so I had never saved up money. Why worry about it when my mother had more than enough? But now I realized. It was a mistake. I should have seen this coming. I should have prepared for it. This was so like my mother: taking away my only chance of a life on my own, so that she could control me forever. I wasn’t being overly dramatic by saying forever. I meant it. I knew that this would nev
Thanks for the feedback. But one thing. This is NOT a very long exposition. Considering that, in a normal book, it would only end up being 4 maybe 5 pages. NOt major at all. And this dialogue IS very important, for something that will happen later in the story. So dont judge so quickly.
Hmm.. someone could have SAID that i didnt even have the full thing on there. I missed a paragraph. Geez guys, im glad that you actually READ my story.

Here is the rest of it. Sorry!
**************************************************
I knew that this would never end. She would always find something, anything, that she could use to keep me in her web.
I tried to think of a way around it, any way that I could still go to college without her help. Loans, I could do loans… no, I would end up paying off debt for the rest of my life. I chose Brington University without even considering cost of tuition. And I was pretty sure that Brington was notorious for it’s exceptionally high tuition. I couldn’t do this alone. She had caught me, like a fly, in her carefully spun web.
“Fine,” I finally answered, hating the victorious smirk that crept onto her face. “I’ll live in Night Angel.”

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How does this sound for the beginning of a story? (Different from what I usually write)?

  • Posted on November 8, 2010 at 10:22 am

I had a very weird dream last night, which inspired me to write this. I don’t know if I want to turn this into a story or not, so I wanted you guys to read what I have written so far. If I choose to make this a story, I may make it just a dream scene, or it may be the entire basis for the story. Tell me what you think:

Chapter One – Devastation and Ecstasy

Neil hardly even knew the girl who stood in front of him, holding a baby (obviously hers), but he did know that she would shortly become one of the most important people in his life, whether he wanted her to or not.
Of course, he had seen her before. In seventh grade, Neil indirectly asked her out, which elicited from her a terse reply of “no”. Neil was crushed, but he moved on. There would be other girls.
Somehow, he knew that their paths would cross again.
He thought back to several events in the past few years, trying to come up with some sort of connection between them that would bring them to this place – the courthouse.
He thought of events where they would both have been at. School events? No, that was impossible. Social events? Yes, he thought, she was at Jennie’s party just over nine months ago.
His eyes widened. Nine months. Could it be? It had to be. But surely, he would have known. But it was dark, he remembered. His pupils dilated. “Oh, no”, he whispered to himself.
The girl’s parents stepped forward to give their first statement to the judge. They began.
“Your honor, after several blood tests, we have confirmed that this juvenile here,” the father gestured to Neil, “is the biological father to my daughter’s baby.” Neil buried his face in his hands, knowing that it was all too true. Even without the blood tests to prove it, the baby was indubitably his child.
Neil’s parents, who seemed to be skeptical about the validity of the girl’s accusations at first, now comprehended the truth. His mother turned to give him a cold, angry look of fury and despair. His father couldn’t even look at him. Neil quietly sobbed at the realization of what his life was about to become. He knew his parents, and vaguely knew the attitudes of the girl’s parents. He had full knowledge of what this was going to come to.

**********************
Many statements and pieces of evidence later, it was finished. Neil was the father of the baby. Two stunning changes to his life, he knew, were just on the precipice of occurring.
For one, his parents were kicking him out of the house. At only fifteen, Neil was stunned to hear what they were going to do to him just because of a mistake he made over nine months ago. Fortunately, and also unfortunately, the girl’s (whose name was Sky) parents would be adopting him into their home, to help take care of the baby.
The other change was a shocking blow to Neil. He kept replaying that terrible sentence in his head, each time being more and more horrified as to what it meant for his future. The judge decreed, after being handed a signed consent form from Neil’s parents, that Neil and Sky were to be wedded on the eleventh of August. Sky’s parents were stubborn, and would think it sinful if they went unmarried.
It felt like Neil’s world had gone black. His parents, of course, now didn’t care about his future, so, when Sky’s parents demanded them to sign a marriage consent form, they went ahead, without even the slightest hint of hesitation.
Neil knew that unless Sky and him somehow developed a bond (which was near impossible), his life would now become hell, married to a woman (A girl!) that he didn’t even know.
M.L.:

No. This is definitely not about me. It was simply a dream I had last night that affected me so much that I felt the impulse to write about it.

I never write about normal people. I always write about the most extreme people. The most angry, the most cheerful. Neil’s parents are supposed to be angry people.

Neil doesn’t have blackouts. As I will explain later in the story, Neil, at the time of the party, used to drink alcohol and smoke weed, which is why he can’t remember everything. As to the “whole world goes black” business, I’m just referring to how immense Neil’s stress is once he discovers that he is the father of a baby and what he has to sacrifice now. Kind of like how you describe how you feel as if a lead weight has fallen upon you. You know what I mean?

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