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Is this the best joke you’ve heard in a verrry long time or what…?

  • Posted on April 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm

…and Yes, star if you like it please…it IS funny! Thx.

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

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Last one from me but i think i saved the best till last..???

  • Posted on April 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

“My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds…..a lot quicker and better than a doctor”.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pound, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better…

……..Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

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What is the best way to beat the living crap out of someone without getting arrested/convicted?

  • Posted on April 6, 2011 at 11:20 am

A 40 year old woman has been harassing my 15 year old daughter for a year now. It started because my daughter told her daughter to leave my daughter’s friend alone after the other woman’s daughter tried to push meth on her. For months, it was just the daughter make calls and empty threats and then she just let it die. The mother, however, has just gotten worse and worse. She has chased a truck my daughter was in with another ADULT (she has some nerve), calls her awful names every time she sees her and then last night, she kicked my daughter’s knee that she just had surgery on 3 weeks ago (she has a huge brace on so the woman knew which one was injured) and threatened to “take out the other knee” if she went to the parking lot. And this was at a school carnival! The school can’t keep her away because she has a child there and the restraining order can’t keep her off school grounds. And I’ll damned if my daughter is going to have to go to school in fear of her…
She’s nothing but a dried up druggie and she’s been in and out of jail her whole life. Of course, I filed a report with the sheriff’s office and I’m going to file charges, but that won’t do any good. She’ll just turn around and be out again.

I’m a nurse and I having a felony or convictions involving harm to another person can make it hard to keep/renew it. Plus I’m a single mom and there is no one else to take care of my kids but me so I can’t do jail time. Now, I know this is not the best way to handle something normally, but it’s the only way I can see to get her to stop by letting her know that I’m not going to tolerate this crap. I’m a foot taller than her and probably 100 heavier, so I’m not worried about getting hurt. I’m just worried about going to jail. Lawyers, suggestions please!
I forgot to add that we live in a huge, BROKE, county and there is only one deputy on duty in the evening/nights to cover the entire county. Also the 2 small towns where I and the other woman live don’t have a police department. So police are pretty useless if you need one in a hurry in this area.
Barry, you have more issues than I do if you think anything you said was even close to right.

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My mom is an alcoholic; I don’t want her to meet my best friend?

  • Posted on March 19, 2011 at 10:17 pm

This sounds so bad to say, but I really really REALLY don’t want my mom meeting my best friend. My friend lives around here, but is moving to the other side of the country … So, in a couple months I’m going to see her there. My mom wants to come, since I’m only 16 and “not old enough” to go by myself. I have been best friends with this girl for like, forever, but my mom and her have never met. Mainly because my mom is an alcoholic, bottom line … and I didn’t want them meeting. Now my mom says she wants to meet her when I go to see her. [I don't even know why she does though, she never even cared before.] My mom is also very sensitive and gets very verbally abusive if I bring up her drinking. And that is obviously the main reason I don’t want them meeting. So, is there anything I can do to prevent them from meeting? I was thinking of me meeting my friend in a public place then going back to her house to hang out, or something like that … so they wouldn’t meet but I don’t know. I just can’t directly tell my mom no … because of how she is … & My best friend DOES know my mom is an alcoholic, we have talked about it a lot of times. Especially when I’m really upset. When my mom is drunk [which is pretty much all day] she does crazy things … like taking her shirt off or singing and dancing and stuff like that. It’s embarassing. I just don’t want her to see that … Please help me. I’m not trying to sound like the worst daughter on earth but I really can’t stop thinking about how terrible it will be.

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My mom is an alcoholic; I don’t want her to meet my best friend?

  • Posted on March 19, 2011 at 12:17 am

This sounds so bad to say, but I really really REALLY don’t want my mom meeting my best friend. My friend lives around here, but is moving to the other side of the country … So, in a couple months I’m going to see her there. My mom wants to come, since I’m only 16 and “not old enough” to go by myself. I have been best friends with this girl for like, forever, but my mom and her have never met. Mainly because my mom is an alcoholic, bottom line … and I didn’t want them meeting. Now my mom says she wants to meet her when I go to see her. [I don't even know why she does though, she never even cared before.] My mom is also very sensitive and gets very verbally abusive if I bring up her drinking. And that is obviously the main reason I don’t want them meeting. So, is there anything I can do to prevent them from meeting? I was thinking of me meeting my friend in a public place then going back to her house to hang out, or something like that … so they wouldn’t meet but I don’t know. I just can’t directly tell my mom no … because of how she is … & My best friend DOES know my mom is an alcoholic, we have talked about it a lot of times. Especially when I’m really upset. When my mom is drunk [which is pretty much all day] she does crazy things … like taking her shirt off or singing and dancing and stuff like that. It’s embarassing. I just don’t want her to see that … Please help me. I’m not trying to sound like the worst daughter on earth but I really can’t stop thinking about how terrible it will be.

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My mom is an alcoholic; I don’t want her to meet my best friend?

  • Posted on March 18, 2011 at 2:17 am

This sounds so bad to say, but I really really REALLY don’t want my mom meeting my best friend. My friend lives around here, but is moving to the other side of the country … So, in a couple months I’m going to see her there. My mom wants to come, since I’m only 16 and “not old enough” to go by myself. I have been best friends with this girl for like, forever, but my mom and her have never met. Mainly because my mom is an alcoholic, bottom line … and I didn’t want them meeting. Now my mom says she wants to meet her when I go to see her. [I don't even know why she does though, she never even cared before.] My mom is also very sensitive and gets very verbally abusive if I bring up her drinking. And that is obviously the main reason I don’t want them meeting. So, is there anything I can do to prevent them from meeting? I was thinking of me meeting my friend in a public place then going back to her house to hang out, or something like that … so they wouldn’t meet but I don’t know. I just can’t directly tell my mom no … because of how she is … & My best friend DOES know my mom is an alcoholic, we have talked about it a lot of times. Especially when I’m really upset. When my mom is drunk [which is pretty much all day] she does crazy things … like taking her shirt off or singing and dancing and stuff like that. It’s embarassing. I just don’t want her to see that … Please help me. I’m not trying to sound like the worst daughter on earth but I really can’t stop thinking about how terrible it will be.

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My mom is an alcoholic; I don’t want her to meet my best friend?

  • Posted on March 17, 2011 at 4:17 am

This sounds so bad to say, but I really really REALLY don’t want my mom meeting my best friend. My friend lives around here, but is moving to the other side of the country … So, in a couple months I’m going to see her there. My mom wants to come, since I’m only 16 and “not old enough” to go by myself. I have been best friends with this girl for like, forever, but my mom and her have never met. Mainly because my mom is an alcoholic, bottom line … and I didn’t want them meeting. Now my mom says she wants to meet her when I go to see her. [I don't even know why she does though, she never even cared before.] My mom is also very sensitive and gets very verbally abusive if I bring up her drinking. And that is obviously the main reason I don’t want them meeting. So, is there anything I can do to prevent them from meeting? I was thinking of me meeting my friend in a public place then going back to her house to hang out, or something like that … so they wouldn’t meet but I don’t know. I just can’t directly tell my mom no … because of how she is … & My best friend DOES know my mom is an alcoholic, we have talked about it a lot of times. Especially when I’m really upset. When my mom is drunk [which is pretty much all day] she does crazy things … like taking her shirt off or singing and dancing and stuff like that. It’s embarassing. I just don’t want her to see that … Please help me. I’m not trying to sound like the worst daughter on earth but I really can’t stop thinking about how terrible it will be.

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Who’s the biggest and best singer Whitney houston or Celine Dione.?

  • Posted on February 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Me and my oldest daughter disagree on this one. I say Whitney Houston even if she did get on crack cocaine. she had already made most of her music before this happened.
Send all answers please.

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Who’s the biggest and best singer Whitney houston or Celine Dione.?

  • Posted on February 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Me and my oldest daughter disagree on this one. I say Whitney Houston even if she did get on crack cocaine. she had already made most of her music before this happened.
Send all answers please.

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Who’s the biggest and best singer Whitney houston or Celine Dione.?

  • Posted on February 10, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Me and my oldest daughter disagree on this one. I say Whitney Houston even if she did get on crack cocaine. she had already made most of her music before this happened.
Send all answers please.

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