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Marriage – the Need for Boundaries

  • Posted on January 13, 2010 at 10:26 pm

One difficulty which arises in many marriages is the lack of boundaries. In some instances either or both spouses may not be clear about this subject; in other cases, other people in their lives can go a long way in creating the problem. It cannot be stressed too strongly: the very best, healthiest, happiest marriage is one where clear boundaries exist and are consistently respected by both spouses and those around them!

For some people, boundaries are a familiar way of life; for others, however, the concept is something which must be learned. A person’s nuclear family and the environment of his or her upbringing makes up the manner in which the person views this subject; but it is no less relevant, regardless of one’s background.

There are a number of boundaries which are essential for a healthy, happy marriage. One of the most important is the marital relationship itself. In a healthy marriage, both partners are aware of, and respect, the fact that certain things are between the two of them and should remain between the two of them. 

Keeping each other’s confidences is absolutely essential. The privacy between a husband and a wife is so universally-recognized that it is even protected by law! When your spouse shares with you something which is extremely private to him or her, he or she should be able to feel completely confident that you will not repeat this information to anyone. It does not matter whether you think the subject to be silly or frivolous, or a difficult burden which you may not wish to carry by yourself, or something which you think your friends may find “interesting”– being able to keep private communications private is one of the main foundations of trust.

While we are on the subject of friends, it must also be said that you should resist sharing the problems of your marriage with your friends. Airing your grievances about your spouse, especially if done so on a regular basis, will not only undermine your marriage but can also serve to generate bad feelings between your friends and your partner. Even though everyone has a legitimate complaint every now and then, you should make a point of resisting the urge to fill your friends in on “What a jerk George is!” This habit does nothing but cause strife for everyone involved.

It is unfortunate to hear how many married couples believe that their sex life is also something which should be “up for discussion” with other people. The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should never be brought into the public view– to do so destroys the intimacy which is

One of the main parts of married life. Unless there is a serious difficulty which necessitates the assistance or intervention of a medical professional, a married couple’s sexual relationship should never go any further than between the two of them.

Important boundaries are also violated when a spouse feels the need to solicit other people’s opinions and input on subjects which should remain between the couple themselves. Although it is natural to want to know what others think about various issues, if there are matters of disagreement between you and your spouse it is unfair to attempt to get others on your side. 

Some couples also experience problems with boundaries when one or the other person does not realize or does not respect the partner’s individual boundaries. Even though it may seem odd in this modern day, there are still far too many married people who fully believe that their partners have no reason or right to personal privacy, personal space, or personal possessions. 

In such cases it should be clearly and firmly stressed that simply because one has gotten married this does not mean he or she has ceased to be an individual person, or has ceased to have the right and the need for personal boundaries. Whether the problem has arisen due to one spouse’s lack of full trust in the other person, or does not acknowledge the other person as a separate individual, or has the distasteful and destructive characteristics of needing power and control, it is a problem which must be resolved– not only in the interest of the marriage, but also the well-being of both spouses. Such a person must learn that there is a difference between “Yours,” “Mine,” and “Ours”! 

When other people do not acknowledge or do not respect your boundaries, this too can create huge problems if it is not addressed and resolved as quickly as possible. For example, you may have a meddlesome relative who consistently pries for information about your personal life, or a friend who believes that your home should be accessible to him or her at any hour of the day or night. In such instances, the best manner in which to deal with the situation is for you and your spouse to present a “united front” so that the intrusions are ended.

You may be familiar with the old saying about “building a hedge” around your marriage. Far from being an outdated concept, it not only continues to be true but continues to be the most important thing you can do to ensure a healthy, happy marriage. 

In addition to the topics you just read about, which are universal to all married couples, individual needs also play a role. For example, you or your spouse may be uncomfortable with physical contact from the opposite sex, and feel that hugs should be reserved only for each other; or you may object to the other person’s friends having an “open-door policy” on your refrigerator. These, and any number of other topics, are often very important to one spouse yet seem trivial to the other. 

The point in resolving such potential conflicts before they become real problems is to reach a conclusion which both spouses can comfortably accept. The key is in taking your partner’s needs and feelings into consideration– and that should be your main priority. For you to place a boundary which is necessary for your spouse’s well-being and peace of mind should not be seen as a sacrifice, but rather as a positive act.

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Set Healthy Boundaries

  • Posted on January 5, 2010 at 11:06 am

Do you allow others to do and say things to you that do not feel good? Would you like to establish new patterns to deal with the problem?

Everyone needs to set healthy boundaries. This is a gift to others and you. By allowing people to act in ways that are not appropriate, you actually hurt them too because they are stuck in their unhealthy behavior. Therefore, it is important to learn how to establish boundaries for all involved.

Denise’s husband was very frustrated at work. Alan would come home and yell at her. At first she yelled back, and Alan got angrier and acted even meaner. Denise stuffed her anger and withdrew. That did not work either because she was miserable, and Alan did not improve. In her counseling session, I encouraged her to set her boundaries for both of their good. Otherwise, she is an enabler or a co-dependent.

The following week, Denise told me that she said to Alan in a calm, firm voice, “I am not willing to live this way.” To her surprise, Alan changed his attitude and stopped his negative behavior. In fact, he was his kind self again. I imagine that he heard her and realized that he could no longer get away with his actions without a consequence. I acknowledged Denise for setting healthy boundaries.

Can you relate to Denise’s situation? Are you being physically or verbally abused? No one deserves to be the target of other people’s pain. No matter what happened in the past, you are a good person and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

I discovered in the process I developed, HART (Holistic And Rapid Transformation), that clients who allowed others to be abusive to them as adults experienced that behavior from their parents or guardians. Since we make decisions from our experiences, they decided that they must be bad and deserve to be abused. That is not true! The truth is that what people say or do is about them and not you. The truth is that you are okay and a good person no matter what others do or say.

If you feel you deserve to be abused because of guilt feelings, you can forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself. We all make mistakes so that we can learn from them.

Setting healthy boundaries is also a very important parenting skill. Children actually subconsciously want you to stop them from misbehaving. They need you to be a strong, consistent parent and healthy model for them. Telling the child what is acceptable and the consequences of their negative behavior is the way to go. Then if they misbehave, follow that with the logical consequence.

For example, if your son Johnny yells at you, then ask him to speak calmly and respectfully. Of course, that is the way you speak to him to model healthy communication. If he continues to misbehave, then you can set your boundary by saying, “If you yell at me, you will have to go in your room and stay there until you can calmly tell me what you want to say.” Be sure to follow through with the logical consequence any time Johnny yells at you.

It is important for parents to prepare their children for life. You may be willing to take their abuse, but it is not likely that their peers, bosses, or teachers will. Also, if you allow abusive behavior, there is a good chance the child will repeat it with their partner and children. It is very important to set healthy boundaries so that your son or daughter can learn acceptable behavior and succeed socially and in school, work, relationships, and parenting.

You may be asking yourself, what are healthy boundaries? These are decided by what feels good emotionally and physically for all involved. For example, taking illegal drugs, drinking alcohol excessively, or smoking cigarettes are not healthy for anyone. Addictions are ways to numb our pain, but we feel it again after the effects of the addiction wears off. If this is your scenario, you can say, “I love you and I am not willing to support your addiction.” Then, for example, you can make a suggestion to go for counseling to deal with the causes of the pain which are the causes of the addiction. This is a gift to them and you.

It is important to be strong, and to protect yourself if the abuser refuses to deal with the issues. People who abuse often need to feel scared to lose you if they do not deal with their problems, in order to have the courage to face their pain (the cause of their negative behavior). Tell the abuser calmly what you are willing to do and follow through.

It can be more difficult with siblings, cousins, parents, etc. However it is important to set the same boundaries. Tell them what you want in a loving way. Protect yourself from their projection of their pain. You do not deserve to be anyone’s scapegoat.

In the case of friends who you feel are abusive, have the courage to let them go. We all need friends and many people can fill that need. Set your intent to be only with people who are kind, loving, and respectful, and that is what you will attract. These are healthy boundaries. Making excuses for people does not serve anyone.

Be honest with everyone, including yourself. When other peoples’ behaviors do not feel good, take a stand. “I love you, and I am only willing to stay in this friendship (or relationship) if we can share mutual respect and kindness,” is a nice way to establish healthy boundaries.

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An Historical Perspective: from No to Yes in 7 Words

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:57 pm

We consider whether 7 words might be used to examine the deeper waves that underlie all changes. Let’s look briefly at the greater cycles of change, underneath the babble of so much detail and so many opinions — look at the major facets of human evolution, at least the Homo Sapiens bit.

We can say that civilisation began to express awareness significantly above the animal level when tools were used. Before that human behaviour very closely resembled that of certain animals—in particular by surrendering to the inevitable danger and hardships of life because no better condition was imaginable. This suggests Yes, the acceptance of what comes without resistance. The tooling-up of the hunter-gatherers coincided with their saying No! They no longer accepted fate and chose a new reality wherein nature could be tamed a little. The truth was affirmed that humanity was a significant partner in the co-creating of Earth conditions. ‘We are no longer sleeping children of the Earth Mother; we are awakening and growing up’. Our prehistoric Yes became No, the beginning of the story of civilization.

No

The Agricultural Revolution marked a major universal shift in humanity’s thinking and was clearly No-like. Fences were constructed around land, establishing both clear boundaries and the identity of those who were normally allowed inside them. People were required to choose to belong to a particular social group—and not to any other, and not to continue their hunter-gatherer meanderings. Foragers who wouldn’t invest their labour into putting down roots were excluded. Thus clans became nations and, protected within the walls of their city-states, they grew wealthy.

Hello

The Hello era that followed accelerated as people developed their languages, shared knowledge, skills and ideas and learned more about getting along with neighbours—who had become much more permanent. Without land to tie them down, the early hunters had had less need for social skills, being able to refuse involvement if they felt uncomfortable. As exchanges opened up, communication took on an even greater level of importance. To exchange surpluses and find ‘new breeding stock’ required that various groups reached out the hand of friendship in trade—or the less friendly version in skirmishes with neighbouring groups.

Curiosity also became a major factor that promoted travel and cultural exchange. Its twin sister inventiveness applied itself to overcome hardships and came up with ideas like yoking oxen and irrigation—mechanical devices that can be seen as early heralds for the next leap forward—the Industrial Revolution. The building of railways and telegraphs and spreading of newspapers even to the working folk are all clues that this period was the flowering of the Hello era. The world, previously an inconceivable concept, was now navigable by even the poorest wayfarer with enough spark and an ardent curiosity.

Thank You

As much as the seeds of Hello were clearly visible within the No-like Agricultural Revolution, the seeds of the Thank You era can be identified within the industrialization process. Leisure became increasingly known as a major social phenomenon—until it became widespread across all classes in the developed world. The poor were still relatively poor—yet only by contrast to the richer rich. In the middle of the 20th century many ordinary working people were rescued from domestic drudgery by washing machines and they could watch TV and drive cars. People became free to appreciate the good life, to express options about what they valued. The governments of rich countries gave compassionate aid to the hungry. And, at least for a while, we felt thankful.

Goodbye

The Information Revolution could be said to have arisen in the mid 1960’s when microchip technology enabled electronic things to come about. This made the processing of data incomparably faster and fanned the flames of humanity’s obsessional lust for information. Now we are given all the information we need to see that the Industrial Age was not handled very elegantly—we had forgotten to deal with all of its ramifications—and the first major complaints were becoming clear sounding. Words like ecology, global warming and CND were introduced into our language, firstly by a group of people who were born around the late 1940’s.

In the Goodbye era we would expect to observe the 4 keywords: realization, decision, completion and moving on. Well, indeed, now we are—at least some of us—coming to the realization of what the Industrial era has done. Next comes decision, and this is not so clear. Unfortunately, those who can really make a difference, the powerful Western industrialists, are not yet willing to decide. When they do decide we will need to go through a stage of completion. Our task is to reach completion on the Industrial Revolution—to clean up. Only then can we expect to move on.

There is good reason to expect a tidal-wave type of change as the baby-boomers of 1946/7, who were born to express humanity’s moving on from wartime, begin to retire at 60. This is the hidden bomb whose long shock-wave blast has rippled throughout the post-war period and is being projected into a future where it is ready to explode. Pensions will become increasingly tight and great pressure will arise to allocate diminishing resources to ageing and unproductive voters (as long as democracy holds). But these same people have had to compete all their lives for limited resources and have become quite used to making governments change their position—on matters like the Vietnam War. And we have to acknowledge that when they came of age in 1964, they pushed the boundaries of convention like never before.

As they approach retirement, they will do whatever they can to look after their own interests. Unfortunately, whereas now it takes three workers to fund one retired person during the next 30 years the dependency ratio will worsen and by 2036 it will need to be only two. We’ll all have to work harder, longer and more effectively by a margin of 50%. Either we wake up to this now and do something or we can learn to expect that as old folks we will be cold, hungry, sick and uncared-for. Goodbye is ruthless; a decision must cut the past from the future. We need to make a difficult decision that will change the face of economics and politics forever, and we need to make it now.

What’s next?

Please will be next, and unified intention, cooperation and prayer will be the qualities of the era. Please begins with vision, so perhaps we may pray for a collective vision of world peace brought about through a widespread shift of awareness. These major revolutionary shifts are happening more quickly as ‘time speeds up’. It took tens of thousands of years for hunter-gatherers to learn their lessons, thousands for the agricultural wisdoms to be assimilated and a couple of hundred until we saw the ambiguities of industrialization. So 40 years after the Information Revolution of the Sixties, we ought to be ready for another—a bedrock change in how we see things, how we think and how we act upon those thoughts.

Presumably this can be called the Consciousness Revolution.

Free Questionnaires and Mini Courses are available on the 7 Words website (http://www.7words.co.uk), interactive fun with the “satisfaction index calculator” at http://www.7wordsassociates.org/psychology_spotlight.php

Article Source: An Historical Perspective: from No to Yes in 7 Words

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Seasons of Sadness

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:36 pm

I’ve never really been a summer person but since 1994, the dog days of summer have really become my season of sadness. My first husband died on August 19 of that year. Ever since, the weeks surrounding that date have been difficult for me.

Most people mark their year with anniversaries – the celebration of birthdays, holidays, and days significant to us for one reason or another. After a loss, those anniversaries can be quite painful. I, personally, have found the days and weeks leading up to each anniversary date to be harder than the day itself. I call this anticipatory grieving.

The dictionary defines grief as, “keen mental suffering, distress over affliction or loss, and sharp sadness.” We often associate grieving with the death of a loved one but we can grieve any time we suffer a loss. We can grieve over the loss of a job, a relationship, or our health. We can grieve when we move from a home, have financial difficulties, or do not realize a dream. We can grieve alone, as a family or community.

While we share the experience of grieving with every other person on this planet, the way we grieve is unique to each of us. Some describe the act of grieving in different stages. Yet grieving is not a linear experience but a process that weaves through the fabric of our life. While the intensity of our grief can ebb and flow, there are no time boundaries to our grief. Even if our loss occurred years ago, we can experience grief at any time. Sometimes our grief surprises us as if it is saying, “Hey, I’m not done with you yet!”

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my grief. Grief is good; it just hurts so badly. Because I had experienced many losses prior my husband’s death, I was familiar with grieving and healthy ways to do it. In the days, weeks, and months after Max’s death I even welcomed those times of intense sadness and pain because in some way they made me feel closer to him. But, when my heart began aching, my natural inclination was to run away from the feelings rather than let them wash over me. I have to constantly remind myself to just “be” in my grief.

I have found the following strategies helpful during my seasons of sadness. I hope you will find them helpful in yours.

Embrace Your Grief
We all have built defense mechanisms to help us deal with pain. This is not the time to use them though. As a wave of grief begins to pass over you, let it flow. Acknowledge that you have good reason to feel this way and the more you let yourself experience grief, the less it will stick around. While the wave may last for minutes, hours, or even days it will eventually play itself out and you will feel peace again. My dad’s favorite expression was “this too shall pass.” He used it throughout his life but especially during the pain at the end of it. Your grief too shall pass. Embrace it until it does.

Experience Your Uniqueness
Each of us experiences grief in our own way. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t let others tell you how to grieve. Our loved ones don’t like to see us suffer. In order to avoid this, they often encourage us, in not so subtle ways, to hide our feelings. Or they may be quite up front about telling us to get over it. Accept your own uniqueness. Grieve in the way that is right for you.

Be Kind to Yourself
During times of grieving we should be especially good to ourselves. That means we should take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and doing some kind of physical exercise frequently to alleviate our stress. Don’t push yourself to do things you don’t want to do but be careful of the stress caused by avoiding doing those things. Being kind to yourself also means not anesthetizing yourself from your grief. Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or even food to avoid feeling your pain. If you feel overwhelmed, seek counsel from the leader of your faith community, your health care provider, or a therapist.

Express Yourself
The expression of grief can be in words, actions, or tears. Crying can be quite a relief yet many of us are afraid to cry during times of intense sadness because it feels as if we start we will never be able to stop. Don’t worry, you will eventually stop but in the meantime you will reap the benefits of a good cry. If you are like me, and do your best crying in private, be sure to find the alone time to let the tears flow. You may also gain comfort in writing what you feel. If you feel awkward in doing this, try writing your feelings in the form of a letter to a trusted friend. You don’t necessarily have to mail the letter but the writing can be the cathartic experience you need.

Surround Yourself with Love
While you may be a very private person and prefer to experience your grief alone, this is not the time to isolate yourself. Reach out to friends and family. They may need you more than you need them. When you’re with other people you will have more opportunities to laugh (a wonderful grief reliever), gain perspective, and share your pain. Share rituals with others, too. You may want to commemorate the anniversaries of loss with a time to reminisce or even a celebration of hope.

We need to honor our losses by letting ourselves grieve them. Life has many seasons of sadness. Just like spring follows winter, our sorrow is eventually followed by joy. We need both to truly make our life work.

Karen Rowinsky works with women, couples, and families in Kansas City and Overland Park who want to create the life they desire. You can learn about Karen’s marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling services by going to http://www.karenrowinsky.com.

Article Source: Seasons of Sadness

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