*****Please don’t read this if you will be judgemental, I am looking for solid, intelligent advice, perhaps from people who have dealt with violent alcoholics before. ******
Here’s what happened: My boyfriend that lives with me got extremely drunk Friday night and beat me very violently while I was driving my car with my 8 month old daughter (not his) in the backseat, and then drove his car away when I got him back to his car. I called the cops because I was scared of him coming back and being more violent, and when they found him he obviously also got arrested for DWI, and also has a charge for endangering the welfare of a minor because my daughter was in the backseat when he was hitting me and that could have caused an accident, and pending charges for a hit and run because his car was damaged, if they can figure out what he hit.
When the police completed the reports they asked me if i wanted a stay away temporary order of protection, and when they asked me this and had me sign the paperwork, I was scared and it seemed like a good idea at the time due to my fear. The order of protection says that if he has any contact with me (phone, email, in person, or even through a third party) he will be charged with a violation of the order, but he still called me from jail, and I accepted the calls because his father told me he really needed to talk to me to apologize.
When I talked to him, he told me that he was blacked out when this happened, he has absolutely no memory of the events of that night, he feels absolutely terrible about it and cannot believe he did it. I believe it 100 percent that he didnt intentionally do these things. He has NEVER hit me before and he is not like this all when he is sober, but I also know that the bottom line is that he still did it, and does deserve to face the consequences. He is facing at least a year for the DWI and then another 8 months if I pursue the charges for the assault.
He was sober for 6 years from 2002 to 2008, so he has proven in the past that he can avoid alcohol, but last year he made the mistake of thinking he could handle drinks again, and it has been downhill from there for him since. I met him 6 months ago, and at first I would drink with him, but about 3 months ago I stopped drinking and he also cut back but, well obviously he is a person who should never ever drink. He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.
He says he is going to seek all of the help he can get and that he doesnt want to lose me. I know that I definitely plan to use the time while he is in jail to work on improving myself and getting therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships (I have a tendency to “need” men to boost my self esteem and I also am an “enabler”). I do not even know right now if I will stay with him after this, but I don’t want to make that decision right now because I need to see how he does on a long term basis, and give myself time to heal as well. I also know that after he does get out of jail, that is the crucial time to see if he really means what he says, but i figure since I am going to be single anyways for a long time, in order to work on improving me, then if we are meant to be together, we will and it will be a healthy relationship, or not at all.
So, with all that in mind, and the fact that I love him very very much, at this point I think I want to have the order of protection removed, because I want to be able to write to him and possibly visit him in jail so he knows that I support him getting help for his alcoholism, and also so that he will know that I am not concerned with finding another man.
The problem is, my daughter’s biological father is currently pursuing a custody case against me to avoid paying child support, and I am worried that if the court finds out that I requested to remove the order of protection from the man that endangered my daughter’s welfare, they may view that as me not making the right choices for her, but the thing is, my boyfriend is in jail anyways so obviously that keeps us physically safe for now, and the only thing the order of protection does is increase the penalties for him if he is in contact with me… If I dont have it removed, then the only way I could keep in contact with him is through my boyfriend’s father who will go and visit him and talk to him on the phone to tell him how I am doing and vice versa on how he is doing.
…..I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?
OK – I see that the unanimous answer is no contact and I agree because that is also what my friends and family say, and kinda what my logical brain says even thought my heart is very very torn. My next question then is what do I do with his stuff and his dog? There is nobody that can take his stuff or his dog, so if I get rid of it, he will lose the very few precious things he has in this world, and the dog would basically be getting a death sentence and he will literally have nothing when he gets back, because everyting he owns is at my house.
I have the room in my house to store his belongings, and I love the dog with all my heart plus I like the protection of having the dog here and also dogs are good company. Is it alright to contact him one final time, explain that I am not removing the restraining order because of the custody case, and to work on myself – but that I wish him the best, and then when he gets out of jail he can come and get his property at that point?
