You are currently browsing all posts tagged with 'Dealing'

Dealing with my daughter’s competing and interfering grandparents?

  • Posted on May 6, 2011 at 3:24 pm

My daughter is 6 months old and my parents are driving me crazy with their interfering and it seems like they are trying to make everything a competition. Everything that my husband and I bought our daughter for X-Mas they say “Oh we were going to get her that” or “We got her that too”. Her other grandma wanted to get her clothes and we got her some as well so I told them not to get her any but they did anyway. They don’t listen to my wishes or instructions when I leave her with them. They have a pillowtop mattress and I told them that it’s not safe for her to sleep with them and they put her in bed anyways. The other day my mom told me that our daughter needed to have a dog growing up and that if we didn’t get her one that they’d get one to have at their house for her. They try to take over everything and it is driving me crazy. I’m not comfortable with her being at their house very often, they aren’t good role models- they have very unhealthy habits and my mom drinks a lot and works at a bar. They also fight a lot and are “getting divorced” every other year. I love my parents but I really need them to respect mine and my husband’s wishes when it comes to our child. How do I make them respect me and my opinions without starting a big fight?

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Dealing with the person that killed your child?

  • Posted on August 16, 2010 at 2:23 pm

My son was killed 10 years ago by a drunk driver. This was the 4th DWI for the man, his third serious accident and 1st where someone actually died. My son was only 11 months old at the time he was killed, my sister was severly injured and has many disabilities from it as well. In the trial the man was sentenced to 5 years for vehicular manslaughter and lost his license for guess what 10 years. the other day was out in town and we saw him and I wanted to run over him. I was so mad he was already back to driving car. I have dealt with my sons death although I remeber on a daily basis but how can I deal with seeing this man and letting the anger go. I hate him I will not deny that but he does have a family and as fate goes his son and my daughter are in the smae class at school and actually friends. I deal with his kid as it isn’t his fault what his dad did, but how do I deal with the father, even in court and since he has never showed any remorse for what happened.

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Dealing with girlfriends ex b/f?

  • Posted on July 30, 2010 at 3:22 am

They have a little girl together. This guy has 4 drunken drivings, two of which are pending. One of the last 2 owi’s he caused injury to someone else. The time he got the owi that he caused injury he was coming to pick up his daughter. He has no driver license and drives to get their child on the weekend. He pays no child support what so ever. There is no court ordered custody; so technically my girlfriend has sole custody since they were not married when the kid was born. He calls all the time and gets an attitude with her because he wants to see the kid tonight instead of tomorrow for example. And if she don’t answer he keeps calling over and over. There are holes in walls and doors that he left when they lived together a few years ago. The guy in my opinion is a bag of trash. I have voiced my dislike of the situation, that maybe she should consider child support and get something set up through court system about when its his turn to see his kid. I have even said maybe with his instability he should be around his kid at all. She really doesn’t want anything to do with that at all. I am just concerned that it could become a future issue. Am I wrong? Anyone else have insight on this situation? Thank you so much..

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Dealing With your Cellular Carrier – Part 1

  • Posted on January 5, 2010 at 6:26 pm

I fell behind recently on my Sprint bill. I figured I owed them about $50 so on payday last Wednesday, I made the payment online. Friday, I got a recorded call stating my service was in danger of being cut off. I called immediately and asked for an extension as I wasn’t sure I still owed as much as they said. The representative I spoke with offered to give me two weeks to review my phone bill but I said one was fine. He promised my phone would stay on for the next week. I didn’t take notes of the conversation. That was my first mistake.

There always comes a point where you have to adjust what bills you’re going to pay and how much. Usually, the only bills that were given guarantees of payments were for cars or homes. But, in today’s world, even cellular service requires immediate attention. We’ve become so convenient on the necessity that we feel naked if we don’t have our phone tucked away in our pocket. Hell, I didn’t even own a cell phone until a year ago. Now, it’s the only phone I have.

The main thing that amazes me is how much we all complain about the customer service. Having worked as a Verizon Wireless customer service representative for six months, I feel I have enough experience to make the next statement: They complain as much about you, the customer, as you do about them!

First off, how many times do we contact customer service and end up getting frustrated that we use certain words that we wouldn’t even say to our worst enemy? We may not think we do or realize when we’re doing it. But when we dial that number we put up a shield…a front. We expect results because we are, after all, the customer. When we don’t get them, we feel violated. And we unleash the anger. What’s the big deal, after all? They don’t know you. You’ll never speak to them again. So it makes it a little easier.

Back to my story, I called Sprint immediately when I realized my phone had been cut off. I explained to the lady the conversation I had less than a week earlier where the gentleman said my service would remain active for a week. Her response: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t see that notated in the account.” Of course, you don’t.

Every time you call your cellular provider the customer service rep, of course, must access the account. As soon as they access that account, it is recorded in the system. It is up to the rep to notate why you called and what the solution was. Of course, they don’t always do that.

The rep continued: “Sir, I cannot reinstate the service until we receive your past-due payment.”

“Let me speak to a supervisor!” (I promise, I used no vulgarity!)

“Sir, they will tell you the same thing I’m telling you now.”

STOP!

Don’t fall for this junk. Let me explain the four types of customer service representatives:

THE BEGINNER

This individual just started working for the company not too long ago. Chances are, this is the first day on the job. This market has such a high turnover rate that call centers go out of their way to offer prizes for best monitored call, best attendance, most kudos (will explain in a moment), etc. They’ve more than likely gone through some training course (Verizon requires six to 12 weeks training). But, a majority of them are scared. They’ve listened in on previous calls with a more experienced rep. They remember the rep bouncing back and forth between screens on the computer looking at various information. They remember the rep having a solution, or at least some kind of answer, for every question the customer through. Most importantly, they remember that BEEP! That beep that signals, ACTION! Speak! And the beginner, when they hear that first beep, panic! They want to do good, but are afraid they won’t.

Identify the beginner:

They hesitate. They get quiet. They mumble. They sound unsure. Most, and probably all, reps for each company are told not to allow more than five seconds of silence. Keep the conversation going while you research whatever you need to research. The beginner doesn’t realize how fast those five seconds go, or they forget. Either way, numerous long periods of silence are sure signs you have reached a beginner.

Dealing with the beginner:

Or, better yet, don’t. If you just need a text message package added to your account or want to know your minute usage, go ahead and stay on the line with the beginner. Otherwise, either ask for a supervisor or call back. If you ask for a supervisor, explain to the beginner that it’s nothing personal. Explain you just want to make sure you take care of your needs in one call. I won’t hesitate to call back at all. I’ll let the beginner take care of my needs. But, you better believe I’ll call back and make sure they were taken care of (if possible, I’ll just access my account online. Most information is posted online and you can save yourself time AND hassle). Don’t be afraid to double-check. In fact, not double-checking is the worst mistake you can make. Imagine the phone call you’ll have in a month when you realize you were NOT moved from that 450-minute-plan to the 900 minutes and you have 400 minutes in overages at $0.45/minute. That’s $180. I’ve seen it too much. It’s much easier to call back than it is to fight for that credit!

The Statistician:

This person is concerned about the length of the call. This person is concerned about how long they keep you on hold. This person is primarily in a rush. They want to move on to the next call. Believe it or not, reps are judged more by how long their average call lasts than anything else, including hold time (though that is heavily stressed, as well). This person wants you to move on so they can move on. They want that Playstation 3 the call center is prizing off!

Identify the Statistician:

Again, they’ll rush you but do it in a way that you don’t seem rushed. If you think to yourself, “Man, this kid’s quick,” you have a statistician. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. They feel confident in themselves, in the system, and in the product that they can move quickly. It’s almost second-nature for them to change that price plan or your text message package. Most importantly, these kids won’t try to upsell too much. They might offer you more minutes, but only if it appears you may go over. They want you off that phone. They care about results. That can work in your favor.

Dealing with the Statistician:

Let them be! Tell them immediately what you want and let them do the rest. As with the beginner, though, double-check at a later time that the changes you requested were made. It’s pretty simple to click on the 100 text message package when they should have clicked 1000! After a few hours on the job, staring at the screen can become quite numbing!

The Quitter:

The Quitter doesn’t care about results. They’re one call away from turning in their badge and walking out the door for good. You’ve reached the Call Center Slum!

Identify the Quitter:

Sarcasm, laziness, mumbling, unpoliteness; you name it! This person doesn’t say, “Yes,” “Ma’am”, “Sir.” This person says, “Yeah,” “Sure,” “Uh-Huh.” This person won’t call you by your name.

Dealing with the Quitter:

Just hang up. It’s not worth it. You’ll accomplish nothing. Chances are, they won’t even make the changes you’re requesting. You can try to ask for a supervisor. But don’t be surprised if while you’re on hold he’s already headed towards the door!

The Carer:

The Carer is the opposite of the Satistician…to an extent. The Carer is more concerned with making sure you get what you asked for. The Carer is more concerned with assuring you end the call with a smile or at least a sense of satisfaction. The Carer understands they will not be liked by every call nor will they satisfy every call. But, the Carer knows when the call is over, they will have given it their best shot. If you get the Carer and still feel unresolved, understand it’s not the rep, it’s the Company.

Identify the Carer:

The Carer will strike up a conversation with you. And, it may not be the simple “How’s the weather in Montana?” The Carer may notice a dog barking in the background or a mumbling baby. The Carer will pick up on things. And you will, too. You’ll pick up on their tone of voice, their friendliness, their willingness to help. You’ll feel at ease. You’ll feel relaxed. You know when you hang up that phone, you can move on to the next task of the day.

Dealing with the Carer:

Go ahead and feel at ease with the Carer. But, don’t let your guard down. The Carer can still make mistakes. The Carer may have spent a long day at that cubicle and not realize they selected the wrong plan. But, don’t feel betrayed. It is a tough job. The Carer meant to do right.

I won’t say which one of these categories I fell in to. I remember one customer who took a trip from New York to Colorado. She wanted credit for all the overages, not realizing her peak times were adjusted with the time zones. I coudn’t give it to her and I knew a supervisor wouldn’t. She, of course, was irate. And her threats made me less willing to help her.

I remember a gentleman whose teenage daughter went WAY over her text message usage. I knew it could be credited back. But, I couldn’t do it. Several times the man became irate; not at me but with the Company and their rules. I kept insisting to the gentleman, “I can’t help you sir.” “I can’t help you sir!” “I can’t help you, sir!” Finally the man caught on. “Let me speak to a supervisor!” “Absolutely!” The man got his credit.

Most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough. Double-check your changes. Do it online. Call back. Do whatever to make sure you did get that price plan change or that data package. If you don’t double-check, expect surprises. If you expect surprises, you may be surprised that there are none! Mistakes happen. Don’t think every customer service rep is out to screw you.

In Part 2 of dealing with your cellular carrier I’ll focus on some tricks you can use to accomplish the results you need.

What are your experiences with cellular customer service reps? Have you ever done the job? Want to share some stories? Have at it!

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U.s. is not Dealing With Mexican Violence Against Americans

  • Posted on January 4, 2010 at 8:28 pm

BY MICHAEL WEBSTER: Syndicated Investigative Reporter: Mon Jan 12, 2009 at 12:01 AM PST

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said this week if Mexico’s vicious drug war ever spills into the United States they have several response plans, one of which calls for a military surge along the U.S.-Mexico border.

Secretary Chertoff there have already been many so called “spill over’s” into the U.S. with little or no response from the Bush administration. Many believe it is do to the cozy relationship between the two governments.

From Brownsville Texas to San Diego California Mexican cities bordering American cities are where most Americans are being killed by assassinations and executions. But other Americans are being killed by the long arm of the Mexican drug cartels which reach deep into America. There are accounts of Mexican drug cartel surrogate terrorist’s invading the U.S. by crossing the porous international border and killing Americans in Dallas Texas, Atlanta Geo, New York City, Phoenix Ariz, Las Vegas Nevada, and is believed to have reached Shelby County Alabama where five people were found murdered gangland style by Mexican nationals.

Many Americans were kidnapped in the U.S. and taken to Mexico where they were murdered. Still other Americans were abducted and slain in Mexico while visiting, others where shot gangland style in country. Dozens of U.S. citizens have been kidnapped, or held hostage, or killed by their captors in Mexico and many cases remain unsolved. Moreover, new cases of disappearances and kidnap-for-ransom and Americans being killed continue to be reported. On top of that there have been dozens of incursions by the Mexican military into the states. Also all along our borders with Mexico American authorities have been attacked by the Mexican military and by those believed to be well trained Mexican drug cartel surrogate terrorist using military style Humvee’s, rocket lounges, assault rifles, grenades, 50 cal mounted weapons and other hard core military weaponry. To date there is no evidence that the U.S. Government has done anything to curtail these attacks. 

Carey Marcella McClintock was threatening to testify against a prominent and well known El Paso criminal defense lawyer who has represented Mexican and American drug traffickers and that he himself was beholding to the drug cartels and their gang members.

Carey’s father has been independently investigating his daughter’s killing and now believes that Carey was taken from a Texas town near Dallas to Juarez Mexico across the border from El Paso Texas on a ruse, and was brutally murdered on August 31, 2008 in Juarez so she could not testify.  She was found in an abandoned house in the desert minutes outside of the city.  She had been beaten and stabbed multiple times. Carey’s father believes that his daughter was about to testify against the attorney and others in a federal and on going investigation involving the Mexican drug cartel and there hired assailants the El Paso’s Barrio Azteca Gang  One Of The Most Dangerous In Nation. “I believe she was coerced into going to El Paso by the attorney and the attorney’s girl friend where she was provided transportation and was put up in a hotel in Juarez and all paid for by the same attorney. Her family fears that what really happened to Carey has happened to others and that her murder and others like hers will never see the light of day and will never be solved by the corrupt Mexican authorities. He also says the American authorities refuse to investigate because they claim the crime was in Mexico. The El Paso Police Dept has been informed as to the details surrounding the case where the local attorney illegally transported and harbored a known fugitive, yet no investigation is underway. The father also thinks the same attorney had something to do with his daughter’s murder.

In spite of all that, Chertoff claims he has instructed the 22 federal agencies that fall under his preview to develop border-violence response plans because the drug war in Mexico appears to be escalating, not ending. So far, more than 5,300 people have been killed across Mexico as the result of the on going civil war between the Mexican Government and the powerful Mexican drug cartels.

“We completed a contingency plan for border violence, so if we did get a significant spillover, we have a surge if I may use that word — capability to bring in not only our own assets but even to work with” the Defense Department, Chertoff told the New York Times.
He did not give details on how, when or where the military might be used.

According to the El Paso Times Jason Ciliberti, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection, which is one of the federal agencies under the Homeland Security department, confirmed the contingency plans. He said federal agencies have had border-violence response plans for several months now.
“We need them so customs and Border Patrol can continue daily operations,” Ciliberti said from his Washington, D.C., office. “The other reason the plans exist is because these agencies, which are all a part of Homeland Security, must provide U.S. citizens with a safe place to live. If the violence threatens the daily safety and daily routine of U.S. citizens, Homeland Security must be ready.”

Many Americans believe that the crimes against Americans such as kidnappings and murders by invading forces like the cartels are being ignored by the American government and many local law enforcement officials are turning a blind eye on the violence accruing on American soil or just are not properly informed.

An example of this attitude or lack of knowledge is found in a recent statement by the acting El Paso Police Chief Greg Allen where he said that he did not think a military buildup would ever be needed. He went on to say “It would have to be an end-of-the-world type situation before the military is brought in. “We all pretty much feel like the violence is going to be contained in Mexico. Our concern is minimal.”

These statements are coming from our so called first line defense law enforcement officials along our border with Mexico. Luna County (N.M.) Sheriff Raymond Cobos, whose territory encompasses Deming and the Columbus port of entry a section known for drug and human smuggling, said the drug cartels are very much aware of the firepower U.S. law enforcement agencies and the military have.

“I think they look across the border and see a lot of U.S. law enforcement ready to respond,” Cobos said. “Since the violence started, we have treated every incident as a potential border violence incident. But so far, nothing has spilled over.”Cobos told the media recently.

Ciliberti said the contingency plans vary, but for the most part, if the violence in Mexico spills into the U.S., the first Homeland Security plan calls for increasing the number of Border Patrol agents in the region. Chertoff said that nationally, an additional 19,000 agents will be deployed this year.

The Homeland Security plan also calls for the partnering of federal agents with local and state police officers to help patrol any areas where border violence is occurring.

“As a last resort, it would include the military,” Ciliberti said.

The EL Paso Times reports that Paul Boyce, a spokesman with U.S. Army public affairs office in the Pentagon, said all of the U.S. armed forces, including the Army are a part of U.S. emergency contingency plans. He said the military is ready to help any city, state or region in any type of emergency.

“For security reasons, we do not get into the details or say what our role would be,” Boyce said.

Cobos said that if the violence did reach across the border, local law enforcement agencies up and down the border would be able to respond appropriately.

“But if for some reason that didn’t work,” he said, “then we would call on Chertoff’s contingency plans.”

In a recent article the times reported that U.S. Rep. Silvestre Reyes, D-Texas, said the fact that the federal government has a contingency plan for border violence should be put in perspective. The federal government historically has had plans for any type of national emergency.

“As the violence in Mexico escalated last year, the Department of Homeland Security updated these plans to ensure that our federal law enforcement agencies are adequately prepared to meet any type of emergency that could arise should the violence in Mexico threaten the security of the United States,” Reyes said.

“The use of military forces would be a last resort because our federal law enforcement agencies are fully prepared to respond to most emergency scenarios, that is the whole purpose behind these contingency plans.”

Still, El Paso County Commissioner Dan Haggerty said the news that the U.S. has various levels of contingency plans to deal with the violence should be comforting to most El Pasoans.

“I think it is going to get worse in Mexico, and we as U.S. citizens need to be assured that Homeland Security or someone is going to protect us,” he said. “We must accept that we live in a city that has been labeled as a major drug-smuggling corridor and a place for illegal immigration.

“With that type of illegal activity comes the possibility that our safety is at risk.”

Estimates indicated in Iraq during the height of that bloody war there were never more than 10,000 hard core Al-Qaeda fighters in country. It is estimated that in the Americas there are already thousands of Al-Qaeda, and other Muslim extremist groups operating. In Mexico it is estimated that there could be tens of thousands of Mexican drug cartel members, enforcement gangs and other sympathizers. Iraq is a country of only 25 million people, Mexico is a country of well over 100 million people and it is in our back yard. It has taken over 350,000 American troops and thousands of troops of our allies and well over a trillion American dollars to combat and contain Iraq’s civil war. More people were killed violently in Mexico last year than in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. It is time that America wakes up and faces the fact that a major civil war is taking place in Mexico and it is spilling over into the streets of America and will likely get much worse long before it gets better and is likely to kill even more Americans.

For Related articles click on or Google: “Michael Webster’s other writings.”

  

Editors Note:

 

Michael Webster’s Syndicated Investigative Reports are read worldwide, in 100 or more U.S. outlets and in at least 136 countries and territories. He has published articles for Maxims News, which is associated with MediaChannel.org and Globalvision News Network, global news and media information services with more than 350 news affiliates in 135 countries. Many of Mr. Webster’s articles are printed in six working languages: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish. With ten more languages planed in the near future.

Mr. Webster is America’s leading authority on Venture Capital/Equity Funding. A trustee on some of the nations largest trade Union funds. A noted Author, Lecturer, Educator, Emergency Manager, Counter-Terrorist, War on Drugs and War on Terrorist Specialist, Business Consultant, Newspaper Publisher. Radio News caster. Labor Law generalist, Teamster Union Business Agent, General Organizer, Union Rank and File Member Grievances Representative, NLRB Union Representative, Union Contract Negotiator, Workers Compensation Appeals Board Hearing Representative. Mr. Webster publishes the on-line newspaper the Laguna Journal and does investigative reports for print, electronic and on-line News Agencies.

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Teenage Car Accidents: Understanding the Risks and Dealing with It

  • Posted on January 4, 2010 at 10:07 am

Teenage car accidents are considered as one of the greatest dangers teenagers who drive face. If you have a teenage son or daughter, make sure that you as well as your teenage child understand the risks of teenage car accidents. The statistics show that car accidents involving teenagers are very common, and every day, factors that heighten the possibilities of these car accidents pile up.

Drunk driving, driving during the night, driver distraction from passengers, cellular phones, and mp3 players all contribute to the dangers that put teenagers at risk of getting into car accidents while driving. And since these young drivers are still inexperienced, the risks are affected by aggravating factors way faster. 

The Risks According to the Statistics 

Some parents and most teenagers may take the risks of teenage car accidents for granted. Unfortunately, that’s one of the most dangerous things you can do. If you are unaware, check out the stats of teenage car accidents to fully understand the dangers you’re facing.

According to statistics, more than 400,000 teens between 16 and 20 are severely injured in car accidents, and more than 5,000 lose their lives. Despite the very small percentage (10%) of the population that teenagers account for, teenage car crashes actually account for 12 percent of fatal car accidents. In other terms, teenage car accidents are behind 26 billion dollars worth of car accidents, which is 30% of all costs associated with car accidents in the entire country. 

The large number of teenage car accident can be attributed to naturally higher risks of young drivers getting into an accident. A teen driver aged 16 to 20 is four times more likely to get into an accident than other drivers. This risk climbs during the first year that a teen is able to drive. 

What to Do After a Teenage Car Accident 

Get the facts 

If you are a parent and your teenager has just gotten into a car accident, the first thing to do is get the facts. Before you reprimand your teenager or defend him/her from other parties involved, make sure you know what really happened. Give your teenage driver the benefit of the doubt. Run your teenager’s statement through the police present to report on the accident so you can get a clear view of the accident. 

Call a car accident lawyer 

It would help to have some legal help on your side in case you need to make a claim or you and your teenage driver need to face damage claims from other parties involved in the accident.  

Educate your child about safe driving 

After the accident, make sure to reiterate to your child once again just how dangerous driving is and how it should be taken seriously. Never get tired of warning and reminding your child in order to ensure his safety and that of other motorists on the road. Also, don’t forget to give special warning against drunk driving, which has led to some of the most severe and most fatal car crashes involving teenagers.

Can you prevent teenage car crashes 

Just as you can’t fully control the behavior of your teenagers, you cannot prevent teenage car crashes. The possibility of one occurring still lies in the hands of your teenage driver. However, you can do your best to lessen the dangers that threaten their lives by always reminding them to become responsible drivers.

Do: Do your part; call up your teenager’s friends and their parents and talk to them about the need to reinforce road safety and responsible behavior. Get car insurance for your teenager so you can be saved from a lot of trouble and expense in case teenage car accidents do occur.

Don’t: Don’t treat your teenager like a small child. Make him understand the real dangers of teenage car accidents.

The Verdict: Teenagers are now being threatened by a lot of dangers while on the road, and most of these dangers, such as over-speeding, drunk driving, and reckless driving, can actually be controlled. What’s important is that your teenage driver understands the danger, and your role as the primary educator makes a big difference.

To find more about Teenagers Car Accident Statistics visit our website: http://www.best-car-accident-lawyers.com/teenagers-car-accident-statistics.html

Copyright 2009 Best-car-accident-lawyers.com, all rights reserved.

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Dealing With a Cheating Spouse

  • Posted on January 3, 2010 at 3:26 am

A very good friend of mine – let me call her Shirley – told me that the day she found out that her husband was cheating on her and having an affair with a colleague, was the worst day of her life, “I’ve had other shocks,” she told me soberly. “My younger brother dropped dead of a heart attack one day – when he was just 29. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer when she had had absolutely no symptoms. And I came to work one day and found a pink dismissal slip on my desk when I had been given the Employee of the Year award, just 6 months earlier. But this was the worst shock.

“The other happenings caused me great torment, but I could blame them on fate. After all, health isn’t in our hands and our company was doing very badly at that time. But my husband’s affair was a personal betrayal. It was a rejection of me at the most personal level.” The photographs sent by a “friend who cares for you” had been a bolt from the blue because Shirley’s hubby, Paul, had been – or had seemed to have been – as caring and affectionate as ever, at the time.

But in Cathy’s case, she had suspected that something was wrong for some time, before she caught her husband David in a movie hall – with the daughter of a family friend when he should have been at office.

“David had been distant and indifferent for some time. Besides, I knew that he had been involved with this girl before she migrated to New Zealand and that she had come back after her marriage broke up. But perhaps I remained in denial because I can’t describe how shocked and broken I felt when I saw him with her.” For both Shirley and Cathy, the traumatic discovery brought anguish and stress. “The stress was because I not only had to deal with the betrayal of my husband being intimate with another woman, but I also had to maintain a facade of normalcy – for the sake of the kids and the rest of the family,” explained Shirley.

When a man falls so deeply in love that he plans to leave his wife, he usually brings up the subject himself and tells his wife that he wants a divorce. But when he hides his affair, he is often just having a fling and has no intention of breaking up his home. When he is found out, he is usually terrified at the prospect of losing his kids and ostracised as an adulterer by the rest of the family.

So, almost invariably, he apologises and tells his wife that he acted without thinking, that the affair is a purely physical one with no emotional overtones or that the woman in question came on too strongly to be ignored. He then promises that he will never see the woman again and that he will be faithful to his wife for the rest of his days.

During the next few days, the broken and confused wife is badgered by her repentant husband. He begs her forgiveness, weeps and the time they are alone together, becomes agonising and unbearable for both of them. Both of them are also likely to be depressed, anxious and filled with a sense of great loss.

The nervous husband, who sees his life falling to pieces before his eyes, reminds his wife of their children and their families and tries to pressurise her into “forgiving” him. But the woman, at that time, is not able to think straight.

She is under great stress and is very vulnerable. So, there is a good chance that any decision she takes at this time, will be the wrong one!

Traumatic events like earthquakes, tsunami waves, criminal attacks and terrorist killings shatter our assumptions about our safety in the world. In a similar way, the discovery of infidelity on the part of our spouses devastates us because it shatters our basic assumption of being secure in a committed relationship. This is not the best time for us to take decisions – but a woman often tries to.

Here are some suggestions from psychiatrists, for those unfortunate enough to find themselves in this situation, on how to deal with it:

Do not take any impulsive decisions:

As has been mentioned above, no woman is, at this time, in a position to take any important or irrevocable decision. So, don’t take any impulsively. Don’t see your lawyer and ask him to start divorce proceedings and don’t tell your husband that you’ll forgive and forget either. Instead, tell your husband that you need time to come to terms with the shock that you are feeling.

Do not isolate yourself:

When we are very hurt, many of us tend to withdraw and isolate ourselves. But when we withdraw, we suppress our feelings, and suppressing feelings only results in more stress and tension. So, don’t cut yourself off from people and bottle it all up. You need to talk but you should talk to the right person. In this context, the right person is your husband. So, tell him exactly how you feel. Pour it all out to him, so that he really understands.

Practise self control:

While it is true that some people tend to withdraw into themselves when they are very unhappy, many others are more extroverted or have less self-control, when they are grief-stricken. They cry their feelings out aloud and don’t care who hears them. But this is not the time for such public outpourings. So, show self-control.

Don’t make accusations:

You may be furious with your husband, but since the affair is out in the open, ranting and raving, accusing him of having had affairs earlier, of always having lied and caused you pain, etc, are irrelevant and useless. In fact, if you do this, you will weaken your own position because he will retaliate with accusations of his own against you.

On the other hand, showing dignity will help you to be more in control of the situation. And don’t think that your hubby is getting off lightly if you don’t scream and rage. Your controlled solemnity will be more impressive than wild anger and passion.

Don’t ignore your health:

You may not feel like eating, exercising or even taking your medication. But pull yourself together and keep to your routine. This effort at normalcy, will spare your children a lot of fear and confusion, and also help you think straight. Major life events – and finding out that your husband has been unfaithful qualifies as one! – can raise your stress levels and blood pressure, setting the stage for heart disease.

The level of danger posed by your body’s dramatic response to tension depends on how quickly you recover and this depends on how quickly you bring down your tension levels by taking care of your health.

Keep yourself busy and don’t allow yourself to brood:

When our world is shattered, we sink into depression and when we are depressed, our energy levels touch rock bottom and we don’t feel like doing anything. But slipping into despondency isn’t going to help. You will be able to present a normal front to your children and also think clearly, if you are not too dejected.

This will happen if you keep busy and don’t brood. This doesn’t mean that you mustn’t think. Thinking is different from brooding. When we brood, we resentfully concentrate on negative points and go over them again and again, like a record stuck in a groove.

But “thinking” is to consider all sides of a matter, coolly. Brooding won’t help you, but thinking will.

Use the support system of your friends:

This is the time you really need people who are completely for you, whose eyes will fill up when yours do and whose loyalty you needn’t waste time doubting – but who will not mince words, when telling you where you went wrong either.

The wonderful thing about friends is that you needn’t be on your best behaviour with them. You needn’t worry about what they will think of you either. In their company, you can weep, tell them things about your marriage that you wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else in the world, and you needn’t worry about how you look or sound either.

And you can even bring out the demons that have been tormenting you and ask them if they think that you might have weakened your marriage or even driven him into another woman’s arms through your suspiciousness, all the weight you have put on, your nagging ways, a lack of interest in sex, etc.

In other words, with friends, you can let off steam, knowing that there will be no repercussions, knowing that these people are on your side. The unstinting support we get from friends increases our self-confidence and sense of self-worth. Talking things over freely and frankly also helps us get things into perspective so that we can decide what we are going to do.

Spend time with the family:

The support, sense of wellbeing and love we get from our family is different from the support system provided by our friends. The love and acceptance we get from our relatives is unquestioning and all-encompassing, but at least initially, we should not talk to family members about hubby’s infidelity, as we talk about it to friends. However, we need our family at this critical juncture of our lives. Spending time with close family will definitely help us think clearly about future actions.

Don’t let the children suffer: “If I ever find out that Mark has been unfaithful to me, I’ll tell the children and turn them against him!” my young friend Christina told me, her voice full of passion even as she imagined the scenario. Christina loved her husband deeply, but always felt unsure of him because he was very handsome and worked in TV serials.

But though I understood that it was Christina’s passionate love for Mark that made her talk like this, I knew that what she planned was very wrong. Yes, she would get back at her husband if she did what she threatened, but did she realise what she would do to her children, I wondered. Children love and need both their parents and to turn them against one of them will shake their confidence in the world and in themselves. It will make them feel abandoned and unsure of themselves, perhaps for all their days.

Once we have children, we can no longer live for ourselves. We also have to live for them. So, even if we are very angry with our spouse, we cannot let our children suffer. So, never talk against your husband, to your kids. Try to ensure that they can continue to love and respect him and that they do not have to suffer divided loyalties. If the need arises, you can tell them when they grow up.

Decide what you will do after cool thought and after discussion with your husband:

The situation you are in, isn’t one that you can ignore. You have to decide how you will deal with it and what you will do. Can you forgive him? Will you continue to live with him because you have no alternative?

Do you need to be away from him for some time? Do you want to end your marriage?

Only your husband and you can decide how your marriage has been affected and whether it can survive. That depends to a great extent on the relationship you have with your husband – how much you love each other, what drove him to have the affair, and whether you can regain mutual trust, respect, confidence and love after he has betrayed your marriage. If your love for each other is strong enough, you will be ready to forgive and try to forget and he will be ready to try and make it up to you – for the rest of his life. No one can tell you what you should do because no one else can really understand how deep the wound in your heart is. But there is one thing. If you have children, you must do whatever is best for them.

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