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Need advice: Chemically dependent fiance?

  • Posted on January 22, 2011 at 3:23 am

I’ve been with my fiance for 21 months now. He is 10 years older than me and has 2 teenage daughters. I have no children. We have a wonderful relationship…I would even venture to say almost 100% perfect. I know in my heart he truly loves me beyond words. He is respectful, tender-hearted, loving, kind, faithful, and everything that I would ever want in a man. Our only problem is he has a chemical dependency.
We had dated for 8 months when he confessed that he had an addiction to pain pills. I had suspicions that there was something ‘wrong’ with him, but we usually only saw each other on the weekends and he kept his drinking to a minimum around me and the pills a complete secret.
I love him more than anything and wanted him to get better, so we got help and he got on suboxone. He asked me to stay with him to help him get through this time in his life, so I did and I’m still there :)……..while he was on suboxone things were great!!! His kids and I were his #1 priority. He did still drink alcohol now and then, which was fine with me because I enjoy having a glass or two of wine with dinner anyway, as long as it’s in moderation.
He was on suboxone for 11 months and he complained that it made him tired all the time and made him feel weird when he drank. He asked for my help to get him off of suboxone, because he said he couldn’t do it by himself. So, for the last 3 months he was on this medication I decreased his dose, until 12/08/09 when he quit completely. I really wanted to help him get off suboxone because I wanted him to feel better and I wanted him to have a normal life without depending on a medication to get through the day…..Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. For the first month he went off Suboxone he would drink 5-6 double shots of bourbon almost every night. It was crazy!!! We had arguements about this and he finely quit drinking bourbon. Now, he only drinks beer (wine has become a no-no also, because he drinks too much), still that isn’t enough so he has been bumming valium from family and friends. If he was taking the valium for therapuetic reasons, I wouldn’t have any quims, but I know all he is doing is feeding his addiction of wanting to get high or drunk. He also has been smoking marijuana quite a bit in the last 2-3 months…the sad thing about this is that he OWNS 2 family businesses!!!!! To his defense I have to say that he works 8-10 hours 5-6 days every week, even though in the evenings he is trashing himself with valium and alcohol.
I feel that me and his children have been deprioritized (if that’s a word) and replaced by chemical substances. Most of our interactions in the evenings are with him high or intoxicated!!! Fortunately, I have done my best to keep things hidden from the kids, but teenagers are very smart and know when somethings amiss.
I have talked to him about this and told him that I see a problem/pattern here and that he can’t do anything in moderation. He agrees with me, but seems to push things to the limit with me. He has agreed to get a prescription for valium and let me keep them and administer them as he needs them, BUT will he still get pills from outside sources??? Probably :(…..and what about the alcohol? If he can’t get enough valium, will he replace it with beer, wine, or whiskey????
I would give anything if I hadn’t helped him come off the suboxone and talked him into staying on it longer, but I feel that if he had been on it for 10 years this would happen when he got off. It’s basically like he has switched one addiction for another. His energy level, if anything is worse…after all the complaining about suboxone making him tired. I am convinced that he wanted off suboxone because it blocked the pleasurable feelings of getting high or intoxicated :(
I know most of you will tell me to leave and I will admit that leaving has crossed my mind and is a last resort when there is NOTHING left for me to do or say in this relationship anymore. I would sincerely appreciate any advice from others who have been in his or my shoes at some point in their life. I truly love this man with all my heart and being. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to do everything that is in my power to help him, but I know he has to want help and want to change. I just want to know that I have done everything I can before I walk away. Thanks in advance :)
I said our relationship was ALMOST 100% perfect, if you read it correctly. I am sorry for your harsh experience and as I said ‘leaving’ is my last resort. I am in hopes that it won’t have to come to that.

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