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How do i keep going with this depression?
Okay i had a normal childhood the only thing that is different is that when i was like a few months old my biological father ditched me and my mom. she meet the man i called my dad when i was like a year old. He adopted, but he was going through issues with his ex wife and won custody of his daughter and she came to live with us. this all happened when i was about 8. everything changed there attention was all on her i was just someone in the house. i didn’tt mind it but it hurt i was pretty much forgotten about. i became overweight and form like 2nd grade on i was made fun of i had maybe one freind from about 2nd -8th grade. when i was 12 my biological dad wanted to be apart of my life. we became good friends i met that whole side of my family it felt good to get to know them. about after a year contact they all stoped talking to me i tried calling them but they ignored me. it hurt me so bad, i eventually ignored it and hid it away and tried to avoid thinking about it cause it hurt. from that point on i lost everyone i had no freinds i talked to i spent all my time at home watching tv, or staring into nothingness. i felt like my life was worthless and i was good for nothing. im now 17 and i started my senior year in highschool i still have no freinds. well on the first day of school i met this girl i got her number and we’d sit and talk on the phone for hours about a week went by and we kissed. everything felt so good my life finally felt good for once. she went and stayed with one of her freinds for a weekend and then everything went to **** and she stoped talking to me. i thought i ruingeed my life even more. i felt so bad i tried to find out what happened and she said that being with me made her relize how much she was in “love” with her x. we fought and didnt talk for like a week and eventually we made up and were just freinds well sort of. every time i see her i feel good inside and horrible at the same time. having someone that cared for me the way she did felt so good and now its the only think i want to feel. but i have no one i barely see her anymore i cant talk to anyone, when i try to i start like crying and cant talk im going to see a doctor about antidpressants cause im afraid if i keep going like this im gonna end it. the feeling i had when i was with her was so intoxicating its the only thing i want to feel. i dont know how to go on with my life. i try to find an empty classroom and just sit there at lunch when im at school. people know my name but i dont know anyone i have no idea how to go about and make friends i cant stand feeling this way anymore its killing me inside and im not sure what its gonna do to me in the long run. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
im tired of feeling this way i want friends i want to fit in for once in my life. i dont know what to do or how to do it. im so lost and im afraid if it werent for the fact im too afraid of dying i would of tried to kill myself.
So i started me senior year and me and this girl started talking and we kinda went out for a few weeks and we even kissed. She goes and spends a weekend at her friends and then was a total *****. we made up but we stoped going out and then we tried to be just Friends. she got back together with the guy she dumped for me and during class she like insults me and puts me down for no reason but its only when hes around. shell ignore me for a few days, and pretends that i dont exist during class. Then a few days pass and then shell be all fine and act like nothing is happening. should i even bother trying to keep her as a freind i still like her a lot but i have to much other **** going on now.