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Anxiety: Learning = Relief

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Anxiety – it’s something everyone experiences from time to time. But for some it’s an ongoing, life-disrupting pain in the tush. Aside from understanding anxiety purely within the context of how it feels – well – just what exactly is it? See, I believe finding the answer to this question is the longest first step toward learning to manage anxiety and its fallout.
Now, coming to know the concept of anxiety at a healing level calls for a bit more than a quick glance at a dictionary. Yes, it calls for a bit of psycho-babble. But hang in there, as I think you’ll find these two theoretical points of view interesting and relevant.

The fans in the psychoanalytic section of the stadium would more than likely root for the theories of Sigmund Freud, who just happens to be the father (you’ll make him neurotic if you even imply “mother”) of psychoanalysis. Of particular note is Uncle Siggy’s structural theory, which proposes the human psyche has three components – the id: home of our inborn primitive desires, which stomps its feet and demands immediate gratification and release no matter the consequences (the “pleasure principle”); the superego: our active conscious, which maintains a sense of morality and prohibits the practice of social taboos; and the ego: our great internal mediator, managing the interplay of the id, superego, and our external world.

Now, according to Freud, the ego is especially significant because it strives to establish a state of balance and peace between our primitive drives, morals, and world-reality. So the ego has its work cut out for it as it deals with some incredibly powerful forces. All of this said, when our id demands some sort of immediate primal satisfaction, and our superego responds that such behavior is totally inappropriate, our ego gets put to the test and can easily become overwhelmed. According to Uncle Siggy, it’s this dynamic that generates anxiety. And anxiety is all about sounding a 150-decibel alarm so the ego knows it, as well as its designated-human, is in peril. Now, there are other paradigms (foundational philosophical/theoretical frameworks of a school of thought or discipline) I find attractive. Here’s one of them.

The cognitivists, who subscribe to the notion that emotional distress is generated when we fail to identify the details of our thought patterns and make indicated adjustments, would submit anxiety is not a direct cause of this distress. Indeed, the seemingly endless waves of anxiety many endure are the result of a faulty internal fear response system that demands immediate attention to real or perceived danger. Now, the keyword in the last sentence is “perceived.” Come on – it’s no great secret that in the vast majority of cases our sensed dangers aren’t based in rational fact. Right? And if the present danger isn’t rationally-real then the subsequent anxiety becomes inappropriate and counterproductive to our immediate and future functioning.

So, then – according to the cognitivists issue numero uno isn’t the generation of anxiety, because in the midst of dangerous circumstances it’s supposed to make an appearance. And if you think about it, doesn’t it make sense that human genetics would foster a leaning toward the anxious? Sure. And that’s because an alarm system that doesn’t give a rip about what exactly set it off provides maximum protection in any situation where disaster may well be lurking. And having a leg-up on such disaster is well worth the cost of troublesome false alarms.

See, the cognitivists would propose the issue that causes all the problems within the realm of anxiety are the thought patterns that are foundational in the misinterpretation of internal and external stimuli (a shortened breath, a heart palpitation, boarding an airplane, crossing a bridge) leading to overreaction to a perceived reality. You see, the true threat here actually becomes the creation and impact of faulty thinking patterns, misinterpretations, and overreactions. And that’s what makes anxiety a major liability.

To assist you in organizing and understanding the two anxiety theories I’ve just reviewed, how ‘bout this summary.

Psychoanalytic
Unconscious forces collide as the id pushes toward immediate gratification of a primal desire, and the superego tells it to chill-out because it isn’t socially acceptable. The ego, in a frantic attempt to mediate, becomes overwhelmed and anxiety is generated. Anxiety is a message – an alarm – to the ego that it, and the individual, is in danger.

Cognitive
Anxiety is not a direct cause of distress, but the result of a faulty internal fear response system. It’s an emotional reaction in response to the cognitive process of fear. The generation of anxiety is designed to be a call to action – an alarm – to deescalate a world-real threat. But the threat may be a perceived reality based upon misinterpretation

So there’s the scoop from just two theoretical perspectives regarding the origin of anxiety. And as you can well imagine there are many more points of view floating around out there. The importance of such formal definitions is in learning all we can about icky stuff that impacts our lives. And the more we know, the better armed we become. Right?

Anxiety – learn and find relief.

After a life-long bout with panic disorder I found my life’s passion. So I earned my master’s degree and counseling credentials, and I’m now doing all I can to lend a hand to those having a tough time.

I authored a panic disorder education and recovery eworkbook entitled, “Panic! …and Poetic Justice,” which is available on my website, www.hopeandhealingdynamics.com. Check it out – lots of good stuff.

Article Source: Anxiety: Learning = Relief

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How to right a love letter

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:57 pm

If You Are Already Lovers

1. Tell your lover, in detail, what you want to do to them
2. Remind your lover, in detail, what the two of you did the last time you were in bed
3. Describe your lover’s body like you just saw it for the very first time
4. Talk about how hard/wet/frustrated you are writing this letter

If You Are Not Yet Lovers, but More Than Acquaintances

1. Make an intimate observation
2. Tell a secret about yourself
3. Talk about how hard/wet/frustrated you are writing this fucking letter
4. Don’t chicken out! Send it

The Three Best Love Letters I Ever Got

I got out all these letters and read them again before I wrote them down. It occurred to me that all of them have elements of frustrated longing, and sadness–that was the tragic part and the hot part all at the same time.

1. My 18 year old boyfriend was in boot camp. He sent me a piece of paper with nothing on it but his name, a heart, and his dried semen crinkling up the page.
2. My married lover had just signed a new “relationship contract” with his wife, promising to end their non-monogamous open agreement, and to never see me or touch me again. He wrote me a letter about how every day at work and all night, all he could do was think about me and my pussy and how he was going to go crazy if he couldn’t fuck me again.
3. My girlfriend left the country and a trail of tears behind her. A year later, on my birthday, which she had never remembered before, I got a postcard from her, in Spanish. I nearly tore my dictionary apart trying to translate it. Half way through I realized, it wasn’t her words, it was Roy Orbison:

“In dreams I talk with you
In dreams you’re mine
All of the time with you
Ever in dreams, in dreams”

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/loveletter

Article Source: How to right a love letter

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Seasons of Sadness

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:36 pm

I’ve never really been a summer person but since 1994, the dog days of summer have really become my season of sadness. My first husband died on August 19 of that year. Ever since, the weeks surrounding that date have been difficult for me.

Most people mark their year with anniversaries – the celebration of birthdays, holidays, and days significant to us for one reason or another. After a loss, those anniversaries can be quite painful. I, personally, have found the days and weeks leading up to each anniversary date to be harder than the day itself. I call this anticipatory grieving.

The dictionary defines grief as, “keen mental suffering, distress over affliction or loss, and sharp sadness.” We often associate grieving with the death of a loved one but we can grieve any time we suffer a loss. We can grieve over the loss of a job, a relationship, or our health. We can grieve when we move from a home, have financial difficulties, or do not realize a dream. We can grieve alone, as a family or community.

While we share the experience of grieving with every other person on this planet, the way we grieve is unique to each of us. Some describe the act of grieving in different stages. Yet grieving is not a linear experience but a process that weaves through the fabric of our life. While the intensity of our grief can ebb and flow, there are no time boundaries to our grief. Even if our loss occurred years ago, we can experience grief at any time. Sometimes our grief surprises us as if it is saying, “Hey, I’m not done with you yet!”

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my grief. Grief is good; it just hurts so badly. Because I had experienced many losses prior my husband’s death, I was familiar with grieving and healthy ways to do it. In the days, weeks, and months after Max’s death I even welcomed those times of intense sadness and pain because in some way they made me feel closer to him. But, when my heart began aching, my natural inclination was to run away from the feelings rather than let them wash over me. I have to constantly remind myself to just “be” in my grief.

I have found the following strategies helpful during my seasons of sadness. I hope you will find them helpful in yours.

Embrace Your Grief
We all have built defense mechanisms to help us deal with pain. This is not the time to use them though. As a wave of grief begins to pass over you, let it flow. Acknowledge that you have good reason to feel this way and the more you let yourself experience grief, the less it will stick around. While the wave may last for minutes, hours, or even days it will eventually play itself out and you will feel peace again. My dad’s favorite expression was “this too shall pass.” He used it throughout his life but especially during the pain at the end of it. Your grief too shall pass. Embrace it until it does.

Experience Your Uniqueness
Each of us experiences grief in our own way. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t let others tell you how to grieve. Our loved ones don’t like to see us suffer. In order to avoid this, they often encourage us, in not so subtle ways, to hide our feelings. Or they may be quite up front about telling us to get over it. Accept your own uniqueness. Grieve in the way that is right for you.

Be Kind to Yourself
During times of grieving we should be especially good to ourselves. That means we should take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating well, drinking plenty of water, and doing some kind of physical exercise frequently to alleviate our stress. Don’t push yourself to do things you don’t want to do but be careful of the stress caused by avoiding doing those things. Being kind to yourself also means not anesthetizing yourself from your grief. Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or even food to avoid feeling your pain. If you feel overwhelmed, seek counsel from the leader of your faith community, your health care provider, or a therapist.

Express Yourself
The expression of grief can be in words, actions, or tears. Crying can be quite a relief yet many of us are afraid to cry during times of intense sadness because it feels as if we start we will never be able to stop. Don’t worry, you will eventually stop but in the meantime you will reap the benefits of a good cry. If you are like me, and do your best crying in private, be sure to find the alone time to let the tears flow. You may also gain comfort in writing what you feel. If you feel awkward in doing this, try writing your feelings in the form of a letter to a trusted friend. You don’t necessarily have to mail the letter but the writing can be the cathartic experience you need.

Surround Yourself with Love
While you may be a very private person and prefer to experience your grief alone, this is not the time to isolate yourself. Reach out to friends and family. They may need you more than you need them. When you’re with other people you will have more opportunities to laugh (a wonderful grief reliever), gain perspective, and share your pain. Share rituals with others, too. You may want to commemorate the anniversaries of loss with a time to reminisce or even a celebration of hope.

We need to honor our losses by letting ourselves grieve them. Life has many seasons of sadness. Just like spring follows winter, our sorrow is eventually followed by joy. We need both to truly make our life work.

Karen Rowinsky works with women, couples, and families in Kansas City and Overland Park who want to create the life they desire. You can learn about Karen’s marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling services by going to http://www.karenrowinsky.com.

Article Source: Seasons of Sadness

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