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Hello every one I have another joke?

  • Posted on April 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,”My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @
Edit:
gr8rt1 i loved it, why didn’t you post yours
Edit:

i do have so many jokes with images, I can not post them here Y/A will kick my behind. i will try to post some of them
Edit:

Glamour-Girl, i guess no one can make every one happy, out of 21 answers only two did not laugh.
yeteh jokeh ches siraseh garik chegar vor badaskhan dair.
Edit:

thank you every one

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Do probation officers usually test for EVERY drug?

  • Posted on March 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

My husband is on probation for meth (clean for 4 years now)..he thinks testing for pot is too expensive and that they won’t test for it because he hasn’t ever been in trouble with it. Also, he thinks if he does have a dirty test, that they will overlook it because he has a full time job, is taking care of me and our son (and soon to be daughter next week), and hasn’t been in any trouble with the law for 4 years. What do you think? This is in California by the way……….please answer if you know what is up with how testing/probation goes on and such……. thanks.
REMEMBER, IT IS PROBATION, NOT PAROLE.

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Is every muslim who submits to obey the Koran required to be a sexist?

  • Posted on February 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Tabari IX:113 “Allah permits you to shut them in separate rooms and to beat them, but not severely. If they abstain, they have the right to food and clothing. Treat women well for they are like domestic animals and they possess nothing themselves. Allah has made the enjoyment of their bodies lawful in his Qur’an.”

Tabari I:280 “Allah said, ‘It is My obligation to make Eve bleed once every month as she made this tree bleed. I must also make Eve stupid, although I created her intelligent.’ Because Allah afflicted Eve, all of the women of this world menstruate and are stupid.”

Qur’an 4:3 “If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with orphans, marry women of your choice who seem good to you, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to do justice (to so many), then only one, or (a slave) that you possess, that will be more suitable. And give the women their dower as a free gift; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, eat it with enjoyment, take it with right good cheer and absorb it (in your wealth).”

Qur’an 4:11 “Allah directs you in regard of your Children’s (inheritance): to the male, a portion equal to that of two females…. These are settled portions ordained by Allah.”

Bukhari:V1B22N28 “The Prophet said: ‘I was shown the Hell Fire and the majority of its dwellers were women who are disbelievers or ungrateful.’ When asked what they were ungrateful for, the Prophet answered, ‘All the favors done for them by their husbands.’”

Muslim:B1N142 “‘O womenfolk, you should ask for forgiveness for I saw you in bulk amongst the dwellers of Hell.’ A wise lady said: Why is it, Allah’s Apostle, that women comprise the bulk of the inhabitants of Hell? The Prophet observed: ‘You curse too much and are ungrateful to your spouses. You lack common sense, fail in religion and rob the wisdom of the wise.’ Upon this the woman remarked: What is wrong with our common sense? The Prophet replied, ‘Your lack of common sense can be determined from the fact that the evidence of two women is equal to one man. That is a proof.’”

Qur’an 2:282 “And get two witnesses out of your own men. And if there are not two men (available), then a man and two women [a man is worth two women, and one man is always needed], such as you agree for witnesses, so that if one of them (two women) errs, the other can remind her.”

Qur’an 4:43 “Believers, approach not prayers with a mind befogged or intoxicated until you understand what you utter. Nor when you are polluted, until after you have bathed. If you are ill, or on a journey, or come from answering the call of nature, or you have touched a woman, and you find no water, then take for yourselves clean dirt, and rub your faces and hands. Lo! Allah is Benign, Forgiving.” [The Qur'an claims women are unclean and polluted - worse than dirt.]

Bukhari:V4B55N547 “The Prophet said, ‘But for the Israelis, meat would not decay, and if it were not for Eve, wives would never betray their husbands.’”

Qur’an 33:59 “Prophet! Tell your wives and daughters and all Muslim women to draw cloaks and veils all over their bodies (screening themselves completely except for one or two eyes to see the way). That will be better.”

Qur’an 4:15 “If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, take the evidence of four witnesses from amongst you against them; if they testify, confine them to houses until death [by starvation] claims them.”

Bukhari:V4B52N143
V5B59N523 “When we reached Khaybar, Muhammad said that Allah had enabled him to conquer them. It was then that the beauty of Safiyah was described to him. Her husband had been killed, so Allah’s Apostle selected her for himself. He took her along with him till we reached a place called Sad where her menses were over and he took her for his wife, consummating his marriage to her, and forcing her to wear the veil.’”

Bukhari:V5B59N524 “The Muslims said among themselves, ‘Will Safiyah be one of the Prophet’s wives or just a lady captive and one of his possessions?’”

Ishaq:593 “From the captives of Hunayn, Allah’s Messenger gave [his son-in-law] Ali a slave girl called Baytab and he gave [future Caliph] Uthman a slave girl called Zaynab and [future Caliph] Umar another.”

Bukhari:V3B48N826 “The Prophet said, ‘Isn’t the witness of a woman equal to half of that of a man?’ The women said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is because of the deficiency of a woman’s mind.’”

Ishaq:584 “Tell the men with you who have wives: never trust a woman.”

Ishaq:185 “In hell I saw women hanging by their breasts. They had fathered bastards.”

Qur’an 24:31 “Say to t

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every year i make wine at home and this year i need to take the alcohol out of it for my daughter?

  • Posted on November 18, 2010 at 12:17 am

she will be mad at me for a long Time if i don’t get non-alcoholic wine
and its a family tradition to make it not buy it what do i do

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How to get SIL to stop doing the MIA’s every weekend?

  • Posted on October 26, 2010 at 12:17 am

My SIL & brother come in from the city every weekend. Just about every weekend she diaspears to do crack and binge drink, leaving the care and responsiblity of my two nephews with us. They just dont care, they lack total empathy. My youngest nephew (3) has down syndrome and frequent seizures, he is tube fed. The ‘button’ is infected and I’m so scared I will over dose him in on his meds bc I just dont know when he is suppose to have what. I feel so incompetant and stressed. I live with my parents bc they are elderly and have some health problems. I have 2 daughters 5 & 5mos, plus a neices & nephews that we raise 7 & 10. My father just had a knee surgery & my mother is just getting over pnemonia. Last night my Sil & brother came to town. He left to help a friend who got stuck. Not long later my SIL was talking with me in the kitchen, she left the room and I heard a door open and close… she snuck out! She most likely wont return till Monday, stay in the guest room for 2 days and come out angry w/ us! This all just happens so often that its become normal. They do this on birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas. I mean when I was 39wks pregnant, my mother was sick w/ pnemonia, my father had strep, and they left for a week! This was when my nephew w/ down syndrome just started getting tube fed & no one was told about anything. Its difficult bc you just learn how to give him his meds and the docs change them and she doesnt inform us on ANYTHING! Her oldest son was living with us last year bc he couldn;t miss any more school or he would fail. He started coming to me with owiies and problems and she got mad at me! He’s 9 and when they disapear I’m the one talking to him, telling him its not his fault. She cant even use the excuse that the youngest is stressful bc this has been going on 4 ten yrs! She misses they youngest ones appointments and takes none of it serious. It does no good to talk to them bc nothing changes & it causes even more problems. We all feel like we’re enablers but what do we do? If she did this to her family once, they would call CPS on her in a heart beat. she never does anything like this to them EVER and I’m soooo angry! What do I do?
I guess why I’m letting my brother ‘off the hook’ or not coming down as hard is because he has a disability as well & his finer motor skills are lacking thus he can’t really give meds or do feedings. Thank you for all the feed back.

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How to get SIL to stop doing the MIA’s every weekend?

  • Posted on October 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm

My SIL & brother come in from the city every weekend. Just about every weekend she diaspears to do crack and binge drink, leaving the care and responsiblity of my two nephews with us. They just dont care, they lack total empathy. My youngest nephew (3) has down syndrome and frequent seizures, he is tube fed. The ‘button’ is infected and I’m so scared I will over dose him in on his meds bc I just dont know when he is suppose to have what. I feel so incompetant and stressed. I live with my parents bc they are elderly and have some health problems. I have 2 daughters 5 & 5mos, plus a neices & nephews that we raise 7 & 10. My father just had a knee surgery & my mother is just getting over pnemonia. Last night my Sil & brother came to town. He left to help a friend who got stuck. Not long later my SIL was talking with me in the kitchen, she left the room and I heard a door open and close… she snuck out! She most likely wont return till Monday, stay in the guest room for 2 days and come out angry w/ us! This all just happens so often that its become normal. They do this on birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas. I mean when I was 39wks pregnant, my mother was sick w/ pnemonia, my father had strep, and they left for a week! This was when my nephew w/ down syndrome just started getting tube fed & no one was told about anything. Its difficult bc you just learn how to give him his meds and the docs change them and she doesnt inform us on ANYTHING! Her oldest son was living with us last year bc he couldn;t miss any more school or he would fail. He started coming to me with owiies and problems and she got mad at me! He’s 9 and when they disapear I’m the one talking to him, telling him its not his fault. She cant even use the excuse that the youngest is stressful bc this has been going on 4 ten yrs! She misses they youngest ones appointments and takes none of it serious. It does no good to talk to them bc nothing changes & it causes even more problems. We all feel like we’re enablers but what do we do? If she did this to her family once, they would call CPS on her in a heart beat. she never does anything like this to them EVER and I’m soooo angry! What do I do?
I guess why I’m letting my brother ‘off the hook’ or not coming down as hard is because he has a disability as well & his finer motor skills are lacking thus he can’t really give meds or do feedings. Thank you for all the feed back.

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my husband drinks every night and he drives drunk we have 2 kids, what do I do?

  • Posted on October 21, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Ok. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a daughter that is 7 (she is actually not his daughter, but he is all that she knows..She calls him daddy). And we have a 2 year old daughter. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 years now. Before we got married I bought a house and car, because I had a good job! Actually it was a wonderful job with GREAT pay! My husband started drinking every night and he would drive home from work drunk and it is like an hour drive, When he comes home he goes out side and smokes and drinks all night. He does not pay any attention to me or the kids? I have found him passed-out, outside a couple times. Or he passes out down stairs and he will not even sleep in the same bed as me! And when i try to talk to him he gets so mad at me and blames me for everything! I mean everything is always my fault. I thought that I could be cool with the drinking but now I feel emotionally drained and physically drained! I am not sure what to do because I am so scared of starting over with nothing! Because everything that I did have before is gone!!!!
I have tried talking to him about this and he acts like he will change but then the nest night he comes home drunk! Like hardly walking drunk!

He drank before we got married but it was NOT everynight? I LOVE HIM and I have tried the 6 month thing but it did not work. And he has been in a car accident and he left…so we had to pay an attorney $$$$$$ for his stupidness! Maybe I just feel like I cant do it without him, I don’t know?
How do I help him if does not think he has a problem? I want to run away but I can not leave him for some reason and I know it is because I want to help him..But is that a healthy thing to do to my kids?

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Can having two beers a night, every night, be a sign of an alcoholic?

  • Posted on October 20, 2010 at 2:17 pm

My kids are coming home telling me my ex is drinking every night…2 beers. My problem with it is that his family….mom, dad, brothers…are all alcoholics or drug addicts…he never touched the stuff while we were married because he didn’t want to go down that road. Now, he seems to be very different. So, does this mean he has a problem…if he’s drinking every night? My daughter also said her dad told them he and his wife were getting evicted again…yet, he’s buying beer by the case. We never lived like this…? I am worried

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How to get SIL to stop doing the MIA’s every weekend?

  • Posted on October 15, 2010 at 1:17 am

My SIL & brother come in from the city every weekend. Just about every weekend she diaspears to do crack and binge drink, leaving the care and responsiblity of my two nephews with us. They just dont care, they lack total empathy. My youngest nephew (3) has down syndrome and frequent seizures, he is tube fed. The ‘button’ is infected and I’m so scared I will over dose him in on his meds bc I just dont know when he is suppose to have what. I feel so incompetant and stressed. I live with my parents bc they are elderly and have some health problems. I have 2 daughters 5 & 5mos, plus a neices & nephews that we raise 7 & 10. My father just had a knee surgery & my mother is just getting over pnemonia. Last night my Sil & brother came to town. He left to help a friend who got stuck. Not long later my SIL was talking with me in the kitchen, she left the room and I heard a door open and close… she snuck out! She most likely wont return till Monday, stay in the guest room for 2 days and come out angry w/ us! This all just happens so often that its become normal. They do this on birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas. I mean when I was 39wks pregnant, my mother was sick w/ pnemonia, my father had strep, and they left for a week! This was when my nephew w/ down syndrome just started getting tube fed & no one was told about anything. Its difficult bc you just learn how to give him his meds and the docs change them and she doesnt inform us on ANYTHING! Her oldest son was living with us last year bc he couldn;t miss any more school or he would fail. He started coming to me with owiies and problems and she got mad at me! He’s 9 and when they disapear I’m the one talking to him, telling him its not his fault. She cant even use the excuse that the youngest is stressful bc this has been going on 4 ten yrs! She misses they youngest ones appointments and takes none of it serious. It does no good to talk to them bc nothing changes & it causes even more problems. We all feel like we’re enablers but what do we do? If she did this to her family once, they would call CPS on her in a heart beat. she never does anything like this to them EVER and I’m soooo angry! What do I do?
I guess why I’m letting my brother ‘off the hook’ or not coming down as hard is because he has a disability as well & his finer motor skills are lacking thus he can’t really give meds or do feedings. Thank you for all the feed back.

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How to get SIL to stop doing the MIA’s every weekend?

  • Posted on October 13, 2010 at 11:19 am

My SIL & brother come in from the city every weekend. Just about every weekend she diaspears to do crack and binge drink, leaving the care and responsiblity of my two nephews with us. They just dont care, they lack total empathy. My youngest nephew (3) has down syndrome and frequent seizures, he is tube fed. The ‘button’ is infected and I’m so scared I will over dose him in on his meds bc I just dont know when he is suppose to have what. I feel so incompetant and stressed. I live with my parents bc they are elderly and have some health problems. I have 2 daughters 5 & 5mos, plus a neices & nephews that we raise 7 & 10. My father just had a knee surgery & my mother is just getting over pnemonia. Last night my Sil & brother came to town. He left to help a friend who got stuck. Not long later my SIL was talking with me in the kitchen, she left the room and I heard a door open and close… she snuck out! She most likely wont return till Monday, stay in the guest room for 2 days and come out angry w/ us! This all just happens so often that its become normal. They do this on birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas. I mean when I was 39wks pregnant, my mother was sick w/ pnemonia, my father had strep, and they left for a week! This was when my nephew w/ down syndrome just started getting tube fed & no one was told about anything. Its difficult bc you just learn how to give him his meds and the docs change them and she doesnt inform us on ANYTHING! Her oldest son was living with us last year bc he couldn;t miss any more school or he would fail. He started coming to me with owiies and problems and she got mad at me! He’s 9 and when they disapear I’m the one talking to him, telling him its not his fault. She cant even use the excuse that the youngest is stressful bc this has been going on 4 ten yrs! She misses they youngest ones appointments and takes none of it serious. It does no good to talk to them bc nothing changes & it causes even more problems. We all feel like we’re enablers but what do we do? If she did this to her family once, they would call CPS on her in a heart beat. she never does anything like this to them EVER and I’m soooo angry! What do I do?
I guess why I’m letting my brother ‘off the hook’ or not coming down as hard is because he has a disability as well & his finer motor skills are lacking thus he can’t really give meds or do feedings. Thank you for all the feed back.

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