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some more jokes for u?

  • Posted on May 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.
“Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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Just a few jokes to share with everyone?

  • Posted on April 24, 2011 at 1:21 pm

(1). Skinny Dipping…
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

(2) Yesterday I was at the store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant??

So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry? The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters a$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard! The store won’t let me shop there anymore.

(3) Only at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.
‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – A lot cheaper than a doctor.’
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, an d the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5.. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ WalMart

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Wanna hear some funny jokes??

  • Posted on December 6, 2010 at 9:24 am

I shot the dog….

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.

“I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

“Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

“It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

Poor daddy

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, “You don’t get any breakfast until you do your chores.”

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?” asks the little boy. His mother replies, “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don’t get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don’t get any bacon!”

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy’s father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”

Midnight Snack

A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
“How did you get in here?” he asked.
“Shhh!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

Three mice at the bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel’s, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.

When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar.

Turns to the first mouse, and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.

“The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I got to go home and fuck the cat.”

ATM…

One day, three friends went to this “Gentlemen’s Club.” One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The “dancer” came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute… then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Star if u like em….. :D:D:D

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Where were the constant Letterman jokes about Al Gore’s drug addicted son?

  • Posted on September 11, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Both Palin and Gore are public figures, but Palin’s daughter did nothing illegal, unlike Al and Tipper Gore’s kid. Besides not being very entertaining, aren’t Letterman’s ratings in the toilet because he inflicts his biased political views on his audience?
ash: One? Do you live in a cave, this has gone on for months, the latest joke is news because of how crude it was.
fishfood, is drug addiction part of the family values Tipper taught her kids?

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Free Stuff Free Samples and Freebies

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 9:06 pm

Free Stuff can really help today’s busy and cash-strapped family. Figure out what works for you without having to make your debit cards
work over time. From free samples to your daily freebies newsletter, free stuff can help you make your money work with some great free product samples of the newest, hottest products in the market.
Free product samples can help you try a new scent of a certain brand or product you already love, again without having to spend the cash on something that is basically a risk. Now getting free stuff samples is even easier, since big companies offer you your
daily freebies, free stuff, and free product samples right in your inbox. That’s right, you can sign up for free product samples newsletter and not have to do any work beyond clicking a link to get your free samples.

Q: How can these be Free? There has to be a catch.
A: By offering you free stuff or just a free sample you get to test the product before you buy. The merchant is hoping you will like the product and become a client.
Q: I found some companies do have a bit of a catch.
A: I know it can be frustrating, with these small companies trying to make a buck. These small companies are like sears, sign up for their cc and receive a free knife set. These type of freebies are designed for people who need to shop anyways and receive a
freebie for doing so. Think of it as if you just finished shopping at Walmart, does someone run out to your car and say, here is a freebie for shopping with us?

I love looking for free stuff and its been quite handy for my family and friends. One of my favorite sites is FreakyFreddies Has a daily free stuff newsletter with jokes about the freebies listed. Great family site.

Free Stuff – Over 72 Categories of Free product samples and Free Stuff! Sample free stuff for everyone updated daily.

Article Source: Free Stuff Free Samples and Freebies

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Transactional Analysis and Ego States

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 7:56 pm

Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis developed the PAC model, the three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These are a mixture of behaviours, thoughts and feelings.

The Parent ego state, or exteropsyche – is a state in which people think and behave like their own parental figures did in their childhood. When in the Parent ego state people will often tell you “You are not allowed to do that”, or “This is not good!”. The Parent ego state can be Nurturing (supportive) or Critical.

The Adult ego state, or neopsyche – this is our internal computer. It is always rational, willing to find out more, analyzing everything, etc.

The Child ego state, or archaeopsyche – this is a state in which people behave, feel and think similarly to how they did in childhood. Like the Parent ego state, the Child also has two sub divisions: Adapted Child and Free Child. The Adapted Child will adapt to almost everything in order to get accepted. The Free Child is the one who is having fun, enjoying life, playing, telling jokes, etc.

Each of us are using all of these ego states. We are switching between them all the time but most of us love to use one of them especially. For instance if your boss is telling you “You will stay here until you finish this project” if you prefer the Adapted Child you will say “OK boss!”. If you like the Adult more you will reply “Why is it so important to finish it right now?”. If you like the Parent more you will reply “You are not supposed to be so rude!”. The Free Child would say “Yes boss”, and after 5 minutes he is out with his friends doing something funny.

Read more on Transactional Analysis and other psychology related articles.

Article Source: Transactional Analysis and Ego States

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