We’ve been seperated for almost 3 years now, and our divorce settlement is a few weeks away from being finalized. We have a 4 year old daughter together. It was a very bad breakup and we didn’t speak or have any contact for about a year and a half…working with our families to take care of our kid. This past summer we started a dialogue and we have been able to re-establish our friendship in effort to raise our daughter without conflict. However, I have become increasingly concerned for her health and well being lately and I’m not sure what to do or how to approach it.
When we started talking again this summer, she had a boyfriend in California (3000 miles away) and they were ‘together’ pretty much since I had moved out. A few weeks later she called me crying, and told me she’d been getting drunk alot and sleeping with another guy. She dumped the guy she had been cheating with, and the guy in CA dumped her. She was upset that she had sabatoged yet another relationship in her life, and cited depression, heavy drinking and partying as the source for her bad decisions. For a few weeks I checked up on her and she said she was doing better, not drinking and not partying. All seemed better.
This past weekend she called me again…crying. She is apparently back to her old ways of drinking, partying and sleeping with casual acquaintances. She had apparenly put some amount of faith in her latest “friend”, but could not deal with certain realities about him so she dumped him. Once again, she cited depression, heavy drinking and partying for her poor judgement. She has also admitted a couple recent close calls with the law while drinking and driving. We talked at length, and I told her that it is apparent she is repeating the same cycle with every man in her life. She starts out being very affectionate and fully giving up herself and her body to these guys. Then she learns that these people are not who she thought they were and regrets her choices. It’s not even that there’s anything wrong with these guys, she just can’t deal with situations that aren’t ideal for her. She has dumped or cheated on every guy she’s ever been with and has ended these relationships “because she can’t deal with people once she really gets to know them and see that they aren’t all perfect”. She is not permiscuous when she is not drunk, so it’s like she’s a whole other person when she’s partying.
Yesterday, she’s back to “everything is OK” and “I’m going to stop drinking and partying”so much. Basically, now she’s in total denial that there’s any signifigant issue at all…its all under control all the sudden after completely falling apart the day before. I’ve told her that there really is a problem and it’s not OK, and I’m not going to ignore it or just watch her continue hurting herself. I am certain she will revert back to the drinking and party scene after a few weeks. She is definitely taking a lot of risks (sexually and driving drunk) and her drinking / partying is out of hand. She’s a 33 year old mother, but she’s living like a 19 year old college girl. I have our daughter over 60% of the time each week, and I’ve been paying child support for almost 2 years…apparently to fund her nite life. Ironically, I had turned to the bottle as we approached the end of our relationship (to deal with the stress), and she cited that as a major problem at the time. Now the tables have turned and she’s the one binge drinking to cope with her problems. I had more than a few problems when we broke up, and she watched me fall to pieces and drink myself into oblivion. It’s OK now that she’s the one who drinks to cope? I’ve told her a few times lately…she seems like a whole other person than the girl I had married years ago. The “friends” she has, all the booze / weed and the whole party scene she frequents have drastically changed this girl, and destroyed her integrity. Why is she doing this to herself?
When the divorce is settled I am taking 1/2 of the value of our equity in the house and the support will be revoked. I have agreed to joint legal custody but I will not hesitate to seek full custody if she continues on her downward path. She is visibly exhausted when I see her, and she basically refuses to see a counselor even though I provide good insurance for her till the divorce goes through. I keep telling her to take advantage of it while she can. I feel like the divorce will be a real hardship for her due to the reduced income and sale of the house…it may perpetuate or worsen her current behavior. I really worry that she will wait for something to go really wrong before she addresses these issues and starts to deal with her problems. There are definitely some underlying problems from her past that are coming into play, including being molested by her cousin when she was a child, and an alcoholic father. She needs help, and to some degree I still have love in my heart for her…probably always
will. I can’t just stand by and watch her destroy herself, or give herself up to men who really don’t deserve a girl like her. I always felt like she would find someone better than me after we split…I had no idea she would become who she is today.
What more can I do to help her, without being overbearing and over-assertive? I don’t want to push her away. I have told her that I really care about her…she is my child’s mother and our daughter needs her mom to be there for her. Our child also needs a mom that she can be proud of, and not a drunk who keeps giving up her body to guys who don’t respect her and that she ultimately regrets. I just wish I could get her to understand the gravity of the situation before it’s too late. I truly hope she finds her way out of this mess she’s in.
I appriciate any similar stories, constructive feedback or any advice. Please help me help her! Thanks!
