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this is really not so funny, but star if you like it?

  • Posted on February 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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Did you feel like this before you found out you were pregnant?

  • Posted on January 31, 2011 at 7:23 am

I have 2 kids, a 4 year old daughter & 10 month old son. We are not trying to conceive at this time, but this is very weird to me. 2 nights ago I felt very weird, and not feeling very well, and got very nauseous out of nowhere. I thought maybe it was because I had a couple drinks, and then had dinner. But that never happens to me. I went to bed and woke up feeling fine. Yesterday I was very tired feeling, but felt okay. And today I woke up feeling okay, and went grocery shopping. At the grocery store it looks like I may have started a light period, but it isn’t due until the 9th. My period is 28 day cycle and very regular. So I am 5 days early. Then as i was putting away groceries, I suddenly felt VERY nautious, went to the bathroom, and had some dry heaves, no puke though. But still feel queesy. Anyway, with both of my children, I never had any symptoms. And have NEVER felt this way before a period or during. Does this sound like a possible pregnancy? Or am I over reacting to just a weird period month? I also feel very achey in my lower back & legs…sudden increase in appetite the last week & a slight yeast infection (which happened very early on with both of my previous pregnancies)….

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can meth smell like eather?

  • Posted on January 30, 2011 at 8:20 am

my roomate was at her daughters,and the people in the upstairs apartment do drugs. and my roomate is in bad health she has liver cancer and i need to know if meth can smell like eather.

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Why do we treat our Young ADULTS like children thats what makes them immature?

  • Posted on January 24, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I turned 18 in 1979 and I was allowed to legally drink beer at the age of 18 in the state of Georgia.The Age of majority means you have all privileges,you can do majority things things you cant do as a “minor”in other words legal Adulthood.The Mothers Against Drunk Driving founder had a daughter who was killed by a drunk driver in 1980 but the driver was “OVER 21″ so we should be fighting Drunk Driving instead of making an 18 year old immature.When I was growing up an 18 year old was seen as a full class Adult but that titles moved up to the 21 year olds.If an 18-20 year old cannot drink or smoke yes I heard that they are thinking of raising the smoking age to 19 to 21 and all minor things to 21 you are just restricting things from 18 year olds.If we dont see an 18 year old as an Adult then why not raise it ALL to 21 then?

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If grandparents have visitation rights like a parent then…?

  • Posted on January 22, 2011 at 3:21 am

shouldn’t the parent have rights to collect child support from the grandparent??? My ex husband is a crack cocaine, heroin addict burglar and is incarcerated, and his mother had allowed my daughters who were visiting with her, she let them go spend the night with this man while he was out on parole but an absconder with a felony warrant while he was all drugged out. I found out the next day when I picked them up from her house that evening and I have not let them go back since, that was Feb. 2007. Well now his mother is trying to get grandparents rights and I think it is rediculous… I will protect my children to the fullest.. that is my duty as their mother. My 7 yo was interviewed by the court and we discovered it was worse, my daughter doesn’t want to visit, she states her grandma drinks and drives with them in the car and she leaves them at other peoples houses where there are drunk people and she feels unsafe and scared… does anyone think I am wrong for dening this “woman ” visitation with my kids!!!
don’t get me wrong, I am not asking for child support from her and I don’t expect it, all I am saying is why the heck should a grandparent get visitation when that should only be a biological or adoptive parents rights, they should make a law if the grandparent wants visitation like a parent they can pay like a parent. Someone replied that she did’t get me pregnant, and that is my point exactly, she didnt’ get me preganant, she didn’t carry this baby to term and deliver this baby and wasn’t even there when she was born. so what makes her think she has “rights ” to her.

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who writes the song that goes like this? Do you hear me now? That is your son and daughter, in the slaughter,?

  • Posted on January 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

and the rest of the chorus that i can remember goes like this: why aren’t you crying out loud, seems a (somethin) is to walk away , a strange age where kids wake screaming from a matter of meth

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Why does it feel like I’m the only one left on earth that isn’t substance addicted?

  • Posted on January 20, 2011 at 7:22 am

My whole building is full of people that are some of the worst alcoholics I have ever seen… My neighbor is banging a guy old enough to be her grandpa and does nothing but smoke pot and yell at her dog then go downstairs and drink…

Everyone I have met up in Winetka or North Brook, the two most well-off parts of the Chicago-Land area are LITERALLY either alcoholics or CRACK HEADS… LITERALLY smoking crack and abusing pills.

Hillary Clinton is from the area I’m talking about! (Though that would explain some things I have seen her say and do.)

It seems as if I’m the last person on earth to start abusing an intoxicating substance to be able to get through life… And then they all look at me strangely when I complain about how they screwed something up or forgot to do something important because they were too fixated on their substance of choice to give a sh*t about it.

In Arizona, everyone was either an alcoholic or doing meth… I grew up in Ahwatukee! The RICH part of Phoenix… (I wasn’t rich but we had a nice house in the area) and they were catching 8th graders SMOKING CRACK in the wash (dry river bed) behind the Middle School!

A teacher I knew had a daughter that was chased by these crack smoking 8th graders because she came across them while she was walking home from school and they didn’t want her to tell!

For fu*ks sake… Why is it that I am the ‘odd duck’ for NOT wanting to depend on an intoxicating substance to get through my life?

Sigh…

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I feel like the biggest loser because my daughter has a drug induced mental illness?

  • Posted on January 4, 2011 at 11:20 am

and she is 20yrs old… shez been smoking “crystal meth” for 5yrs or more but has blamed me for everything which ever went wrong in her life…. all because I was a bit strict and gave her boundaries, and consequences. Today the police were called to her home for domestic violence and they called me…. when I arrived all she did was spit and cuss me……… what on earth can I do?????? I always thought I was a wonderful mom…………..was I wrong, am I really to blame????????

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my prefect girl that i dont like?

  • Posted on January 2, 2011 at 9:24 pm

okay i wanna tell my whole story so don’t just go and say it was to long and you didn’t read, oh and please no trolling.

okay, a few days ago this family moved to my neighborhood, and they had this smokin’ hot daughter, i mean the body plus the tank top, plus the cut off, plus the gorgeous face? how could i resist? so the next day i went over and welcomed them , said hey to the family, complimented the dad, told the mom she was beautiful, and gain some approval points before i talked to their daughter. well later when the girl came, we talked and i invited her to go bowling with some of my friends, and she accepted. so later after i picked her up with a bunch of other friends i had in my brothers van and went to the local bowling alley, we started talking and i started flirting. i found out that she was great at bowling and she told me she was a tomboy guy-girl, which she said were different(apparently a tomboy is a girl who likes sports, and a guy-girl is a girl who acts like a guy).
so after a few more outings i asked her out and we went to a movie, predators, and it was great. after that date, we went to starbucks and drank coffee and talked for like 2 hours straight. i learned that she had to move cause her mom was in the military, that she was Trekkie fan, as was i, that she likes tea more then soda, she plays football, even with the guys, and that she had 5 exclusive boyfriends. then next day, i invited her to go to the beach with a bunch of my friends and do this bonfire. she said yes and we stayed their until around 6:30pm when we started gathering dry wood from a few trees around the place and some grass. i went with her and we started talking, i told her when we took a break on a bench, that she was beautiful and she punched me on the arm and said,” your so cute”, and we made out, right there… the thing was, i didn’t feel a spark. i mean, she was the most perfect girl for me, she was funny, lighthearted, loved football, loved video games, had the body of a model and the face of a god, and i didn’t feel a spark. i could tell she didn’t feel anything either by the look on her face, so i asked,” wanna try again”, and we sucked spit again, but nothing… so the rest of the day went like normal, we did the fire, dance around it like idiots, got our stuff and headed home. i walked her to her door and tried one more time for a spark, but again nothing.

so my problem is, shes smart, she funny, she gorgeous, and she is the greatest girl ive ever met and i want to start a relationship but i cant do that if there isn’t a spark to kindle our fire… wow i just thought of that off the top of my head. so i need some help, or advice to make a spark. i mean i really, really like this girl, but i dont know, should i used more tongue or should i have waited a little longer before i made my move.

PLEASE HELP!!

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4yo step daughter could have hurt our 11 month old son and husband acts like no big deal what do i do?

  • Posted on December 31, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Ok I have a four year old step daughter and six year old step son and my husband and I have an 11 month old together, not to mention I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second together. My husband says that I am crazy and that I try to separate the children which in fact is not my intent but I try to make him understand that I do my best to make everything as equal as possible when they are here but that its not a perfect situation and that the family will always be divided in a way because his kids are here one week and at their mothers the next. my husband does not pay child support (its in the papers) at all and thats why we have them 50 percent of the time but its really bad this way because the kids have no stability. i believe they need to be at both places for longer periods of time or one of us needs full custody. anyways my step daughter who i believe is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong gets into things when she knows she is not supposed to. she got into some school supplies of mine in a shoe box on my desk (she was snooping) and took out 3 safety pins at some point while i was going to the bathroom and dropped them in her brothers play pen. I discovered them thankfully before anything happened but i think it was resentment or jealousy towards the baby and/or acting out for attention that she doesnt get from her dad who has pawned them off on me from day 1. i told my husband that she knew better and he says well maybe she is slow (she was born addicted to meth because of her mother) and needs to be tested. i just find it hard to believe that she is slow considering she does not show signs of developmental delays and also i think her older brother might have put her up to it. he lied to my face when i asked him about it. he said he did not know anything. their dad (my husband) talked to them but my husband insists that i am crazy because i think they are out to get me. am i crazy for even thinking that. i believe that at 4 and 6 almost 5 and 7 that they can be manipulative and that they are not stupid. i am not saying they are out to get me or hurt our son but i do think this possibility should be checked into and also having her tested for developmental delays. but my husband just goes into blaming mode. the girl was spanked for what she did last night and they were both grounded to their rooms for a few hours today after we found out they were both lying and were checked on often. i find something very wrong with the fact that when i asked her why she did it after she finally admitted to me that her only answer was cuz. and then her brother to boldly lie to my face. i think they both need serious counseling and i think my husband is trying to turn the problem around on me and say that i am the problem. the whole situation is bad in of itself and i dont know what to do any more. my husband doesnt even think its a big deal to tell their mother what they did and i think its a serious issue that needs to be nipped in the butt now and he some how thinks that i am a bad person and crazy also cuz they wont tell me the truth but they will him well gee i wonder why!!! they are not my biological children and they know that and they resent being shuffled between two places, what else could it possibly be? and to those of you who say you married the kids too, well thats fine and dandy but my own flesh and blood could have been killed and that makes me not want to have those kids in the house if their father can not control them or get them help. i dont think im crazy for wanting that and i do my best to treat them the same but they need to show me respect too and i feel my husband should be on my side and respect my wishes especially since he leaves those kids with me 95 percent of the time because he works more and when he is home he is watching tv among other things as long as i am here. im fed up what should i do? i dont want something worse to happen next time if those kids dont get help and he realizes the seriousness of this situation.

she and her brother have been warned time and time again that small toys and objects are not for babies. they have rules and boundaries in our house. they knew better unless obviously there is some mental issue with the girl because of her mothers meth use. my husband forces me to pretend that we are a “normal” family and that i am the kids’ mother and he doesnt deal with the real mother..guess who has to do it? ME and i dont think its right. i dont resent the kids. i resent him and the situation he has made for our family. a lot of things changed when he married me he expected me to basically take the total place of their mother and i dont think they like that and thats why i feel they are being resentful….you cant you people see that?!
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for shit that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL SHIT those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for shit that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL SHIT those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!

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