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Magic machine at asda :]?

  • Posted on April 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
“My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds…..a lot quicker and
better than a doctor”.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks”.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better………..thank you for shopping at Asda

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Discover the Magic of Santander

  • Posted on January 1, 2010 at 7:38 pm

The Cantabri had a fearsome reputation. Of all the ancient Iberian tribes, they put up the fiercest resistance to the invading Romans. Nevertheless, the Romans overcame them, humiliated them and marched on. The punch-drunk Cantabria died out dreaming of a rematch. When History flexes its muscles and offers to fight any man in the house it is sornetimes better to don a bow tie and grab a seat in the front row than to step into the ring. Yet two thousand years on, the high peaks that rise at Torrelavega in the province of Santander and stretch across Asturias towards Galicia are known as the Cantabrian Mountains (Cordillera Cantabrica), and not the Sierra Romana.


Cantabria is now synonymous with Santander, a province so mountainous that it is known colloquially as The Mountain. It covers 5,289 square kilometres (2,042 square miles) and its south-western border with Asturias is marked by some of the most impressive mountains in the chain, the limestone mini-Everests of the Picos de Europa, which rise to over 2,620 kilometres (8,600 feet). In the north, the province ends abruptly on the shores of the Bay of Biscay.


Judging by the incredible prehistoric paintings and etchings found in the Altamira cave, 30 kilometres west of the region’s capital city, even the Cantabri were relative late-comers to the mountains. A hunter stumbled on the cave in 1868, but it was a nobleman from Santander, Marcelino de Sautuola, who made it famous. Remarkable, really, since he seems to have been either as blind as a bat, or the unfortunate victim of an arthritic neck which prevented him from looking upwards. He first visited the cave in 1875, and had no problem picking up bones and flint tools from the floor.


However, it was not until four years later, when he took his young daughter, Maria, along with him, that the paintings came to light. While Marcelino was scrabbing in the dust looking for more bones to add to his collection, she yawned, stared lethargically upwards and said, ‘Papa, bulls’. The bulls were actually bison, but the child may be forgiven for that. The cavern roof was covered with vivid red, black and violet paintings of them. Among the 150 or so, there were a couple of wild boar, a few horses, a hind, but this was unmistakably the inner sanctum of the Cantabrian Bison Society.


His attention belatedly drawn to the existence of an unparalleled prehistoric art gallery which he had previously failed to notice despite unerringly retrieving microscopic pieces of bone from the dust of millennia, the world’s worst archaeologist now began shouting his discovery from the rooftops. In 1880, his published descriptions of the paintings were initially greeted with scepticisrn. Many denounced them outright as forgeries. After all, it did seem passing strange that their existence had gone unnoticed by the hunter who found the cave in 1868, and by Marcelino himself in the four years he had spent skulking around the cave before the fortuitous visit of his daughter. But despite their suspicions, no one could recail seeing hirn heading for, or returning from the cave with a paintbrush, and by the turn of the century, most experts accepted them as genuine. They had to. By then the paint was dry.


Santander is one of the provinces of Old Castile, and its capital lies on the southern shore of the rocky peninsula of Cabo Mayor, in an inlet of the Bay of Biscay known as Bahia de Santander. It was a natural place to build a town, and sorne historians equate it with the lost Roman settlement of Portus Victoriae. That would have been a characteristically triumphal name to have given a town after the final crushing of the troublesorne Cantabri. Rubbing the noses of vanquished foes in the dirt was de rigueur for the Romans. But there are always historians willing to see evidence of lost Roman settlements on every hillside and in every scrape of an excavator’s trowel, so we should be wary.


Despite their military success, the Romans never felt entirely safe in Cantabria. Their influence was largely restricted to the new towns that they founded, and when they and their empire were swept away in 410 AD, few tears were shed in the hills. In innumerable villages and towns their demise passed virtually unnoticed. For more than 150 years the rugged mountain folk remained stubbornly independent of all that happened around thern. In 574, the Visigoths tried to impose sorne order by creating the Duchy of Cantabria, but History was soon flexing its muscles again, and with the coming of the Moors Cantabria and its neighbour Asturias became the front line of resistance and the embryo of the Reconquest. The boundaries of Cantabria became less distinct, and ultimately its western sector was swallowed by Asturias, while the eastern part was absorbed by Castile.


A lesser people might finally have given up the struggle and allowed themselves to be sucked into oblivion, but Cantabria was far from finished. The province of Santander was created as part of the wholesale re-structuring of Spain in 1833. Cantabria was back, albeit under an assumed name, and for the first time it had its own capital and administrative centre. It would prove, in the words of the popular song, to be the start of something big.


The l9th century was a period of great progress and expansion, especially for the capital, which grew into one of Europe’s most important ports. It is also a beautiful city, with excellent beaches and over 30 parks. Culture is important here, as it is throughout Spain. Frorn humble beginnings in 1948, when someone thought it would be a good idea to bring a little musical enlightenment to the students of the Menendez Pelayo International University (UIMP), the International Santander Festival has become one of Europe’s premier cultural events. A touristic triumph.


Beyond the capital, the mountain nature reserves are a Mecca for the adventurous – particularly those able to deal nonchalantly with the occasional appearance of bears and wolves. Cantabria’s unique situation is highlighted by the Pico de Tres Mares (Three Seas Peak). Depending on which route it takes down the mountain, rainfall here might end up in the Atlantic (via the Rio Duero), the Sea of Cantabria (the Rio Nansa) or the Mediterranean (the Rio Ebro). Amazingly, two years into the 2lst century, no one has yet devised a method of turning this phenomenon into a TV game show. The fit, and those with illusions of fitness, can canoe, ski, parachute and hurtle down mountain rivers on rafts to their hearts content. If necessary they can stiffen their sinews beforehand with a sip or two of orujolebaniego – a local beverage distilled from the grape refuse left over after pressing. Its history of physical isolation, and the indomitable independence of its people, has made Cantabria unique. And in its hills there are still mysteries.


Garabandal is a village close to the Picos de Europa. There, on the evening of June 18, 1961, four young girls playing on a hillside saw a vision of the Archangel Michael. The following day he appeared again and told them that if they came back on July 2, they would see the Blessed Virgin. Word spread, and on the appointed day – a Sunday – the girls were followed by a vast crowd, who saw them apparently consumed with ecstasy at a vision which only they could see. They received and passed on messages both of hope and of coming apocalyptic doom. More visions followed, and the girls took to wandering around the village, in and out of houses uninvited. Such behaviour would, in normal circurnstances, have resulted in a hefty clout from the nearest broom, but now the intrusions were welcomed as an honour. The apparitions lasted until November 1965, during which time only one other person, a 38-year-old Jesuit priest, Father Luis Marie Andreu, claimed to have seen the Virgin. That was on August 8, 1961, and so overcome was he that he went straight home and dropped dead of joy.


In her final visitation, the Virgin promised to return one day to proclaim a new era in human history. This will be preceded by a warning, followed by a miracle. Details of both were given to the girls, but they were allowed to reveal only that the miracle would occur on a Thursday at 20.30. Swarnped by the technological wonders of our age, we may well have lost the ability to distinguish genuine miracles from computer graphics, but in the ancient mountains of Cantabria, who knows? Who knows?

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This is the secret to creating the good habits that can make you successful

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 10:12 pm

Have you ever “decided” you were going to go the gym three times per week, or that you were going to lose 10 pounds before Summer, or that you would stop smoking in 30 days? I know I did. I lost count of how many times I “decided” I would go to the gym three times per week, among many other things I decided to do.

So why don’t we follow through? I mean, we know it’s good for us, we know we need to do it, we know we will feel better (after losing 10 pounds or going to the gym or whatever we decided to do), but we still don’t do it. Why?
I recently learned an easy way to follow through on anything I decide to do, and it’s been working like magic.

In fact it’s so simple that when I learned it I laughed at it. But here I am months later, exercising every day, doing my speed-reading exercises every day, reading books every day. And there is no way I’m going to skip a day, because once you do something every day for about 30 days, it becomes a habit that is very hard to break. And this is where you want to get.

So how do we get there?
The secret lies in how you set up your goal. It has to be very easy to do, and preferably short.

If I say to myself, I’m going to go to the gym three times a week, it implies I have to drive there, find a parking spot when it’s usually full, exercise for an hour, then drive back home… My mind says: “That’s a lot of work, that’s too much hassle” and you find a million other things you can do instead.
So instead, I decided to work out 5 minutes every day. That’s something so simple anybody can do it! I made it a routine to work out just 5 minutes every morning. I started with simple exercises and slowly added light weights, then a little heavier weights. Then after a couple of weeks, I was working out for 10 minutes, then for 15 minutes. A few months later, I am working out every day, I feel much better, and I look a lot better too!

When I decided I wanted to learn to read faster, I found a software program that only takes 7 minutes a day, and you can see your progress very quickly. I got hooked! See, 7 minutes is easy.

Set your goal in a way that looks and feels easy. Break it down into smaller goals, and several things will happen: first, once you accomplish the first small goal, you feel encouraged to go for the next one. Success builds on success. Then you go to the following one, and so on. And you are creating a habit of a successful person. Then the next goal will be a lot easier to achieve. Before you know it, you will be the successful person you deserve to become.

Tony Balduccio is a freelance writer and financial expert. He has been helping people get out of debt with tips and strategies that work for over two years. Learn more at http://www.GetOutOfDebt101.com/blog and at http://www.Overcome-debt.com

Article Source: This is the secret to creating the good habits that can make you successful

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