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What am i ment to do now ?

  • Posted on May 5, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I am never a person to bang on about how ruff i have it, i know some people have it worse. When i was 3 my mum left because my dad was very violent, he brought us up on his own but by the time i was 13 he had started beating me. I took it ruff until i was 16. I signed up for the army and left in the dead of night without him knowing. I quickly realized it wasn’t for me so came out. I had no place to stay and couldn’t go back there even if i wanted. He had moved and i didn’t and still don’t know where. This made me homeless. I picked a city – edinburgh travel led there and spent a month sleeping ruff on the streets until a place came up in a hostel. I spent 4 months in this ruff hostel where once i was even attacked with a claw hammer. I eventually was given my own flat, things were starting to look up! Once i was walking along the road when a guy stopped and said something to me. He was the same age but looked like a gangster so on first impressions i was weary. He asked if i smoked and if i had papers and i did. We smoked a spliff and got chatting. We clicked right away. I hadn’t had friends for so long it was a dream. We became inseparable and both being very good looking we did well with the lady’s and started having party’s at mine.There was something about kris that i could never put my finger on. He was special. Not a care in the world. He was the best friend i had ever had. He was 17 and i 18. We started mucking about with drugs when more guys came on the scene. We had a good bunch of friends and i finally felt i belonged to something. One night at a party i met a girl that i fell in love with. We ended up having a kid and moving in together in her home town. I had it so good, a decent bunch of friends and a family at last. We were in and out of trouble with police. Always had warrants out for our arrest. Chris had a pretty serious one out so we had a party the night he was handing himself in. We were snorting loads of coke and stuff getting pretty fukd up. I walked him down to the police station at 4.30 am. We sat outside and smoked a spliff together just like when we met. We spoke about what we would do when he got out. Had a laugh and made fun of some of the people there. We hugged and he was called in by police. At 7 am i received the phone call to say my friend had died of an overdose while in the cells. He had taken to much at the party. I hit the ground. Thought the world was ending. I cried for months. Wanted so badly to be back with my friend i thought about suicide. I couldn’t be so selfish with a family to look after. I struggled on smoking more and more pot and becoming a recluse. Our other friends took it hard and turned to heroin of which they are now heavily addicted. I wasn’t the same person anymore. I became paranoid with the amount of pot i was smoking and stopped speaking to my girl friend.I awoke one morning to find a txt on her phone saying ”miss you to babe see you at college 2mz”. She had started cheating on me and fallen in love with someone else. Im 8 months on now. Rent a room in a flat. Live on my own again. Don’t have any friends. Don’t see my daughter because my ex is playing happy families with her new guy. Living in the house we once shared together. I have no job. After my big adventure im back at the start. Alone. Where do i go from here ? I cant even drag myself from my pokey little bedroom. Ive given up on this massive struggle and my life is just wasting away now. Im broken.
soz i sort of got lost in that, would have been as well sticking a cover on it and giving it a contents page.

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