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Should I leave alcoholic military husband? Kids involved.?

  • Posted on February 26, 2011 at 8:17 pm

My husband has been an alcoholic since I married him in 2001. We had a long distance relationship and then got married without ever really spending quality time together. I had no idea he was an alcoholic. He is a good man but so consumed by the need to get drunk every night that I find myself completely miserable. We now have 2 beautiful daughters and I am scared to death. My 7 year old has to go to counseling this week because her behavior is out of control. She is exhibiting classic characteristics of “children of alcoholics.” I have been avoiding this and trying not to notice for years now. I have begged and pleaded with him. I have told him the things that he has said and did (never violent) while he was drunk. He ignores us, disappears into the garage all weekend and passes out on the couch by 7:30 pm on the couch during the week. I am left to pick up the pieces and take care of everything anyway regarding the kids. I cannot go out with my friends because I cannot trust him with the girls – I am worried he will pass out and leave them without supervision (this happened in the past). But if I leave then he will get visitation and I will worry about what will happen on those nights when they are with him and he is the only adult there to watch them. I worry about the finacial aspect. We live on 2 incomes. But I worry that if I stay then the girls will have to live this life because I didn’t have the nerve to leave and that kills me.
Here is the thing. I am so worried about what everybody else is going to say or how they will treat me. Most people just love him and have no idea. The girls love him and don’t really get it. They are too young to understand that his drinking is affecting the family unit. They see me upset but I don’t think they know why. My husband is currently deployed to Iraq which makes me look so bad. I am a military spouse and I hate hearing stories of wives or husbands upsetting or leaving their spouses during deployments. It tears my heart out to think about it.
I find myself wanting to make him happy. Not wanting to hurt his feelings or make his life harder. How sick is that? I know he loves me and the girls. He is a good man, a hard worker, and a good provider. But the one thing we need – his attention, his presence – is what we are missing everyday. He refuses to get help and thinks that he can stop on his own. He does stop for about 2 weeks at a time and then it strats right back up.
Does anybody have any ideas or feedback? It just feels so wrong to start this process and do this to him while he is deployed. If I wait until he gets back, when is the right time to do it then? Is there ever a “right” time?
My children come first. The realization this past week that my daughter needs counseling has sent me into overdrive. I am so angry and I feel so guilty for allowing this to happen to her. She has a hard time making friends, she gets angry very easily, she is taking things from other children then pretending to find them and give them back, she is lying a lot and defiant to me. She does not trust that people will follow through with promises because so many have been broken. I know I am doing what I need to do to take care of her. But what do I do to take care of all of us?
Can I get him to leave the house? We own our house but have a sizable mortgage. Since I am the one thinking of leaving is it my responsibility to leave the home and find somewhere else for the girls and I to live?
He will not be open to discussing this. He will be absolutely devastated and heartbroken. I am beyond that. My heart was ripped out a long time ago. I am empty of emotion, I have no energy anymore. I actually look forward to going to work just to escape everyday.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.

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Military Divorce- HELP!?

  • Posted on November 10, 2010 at 4:32 pm

My parents have been married for 14 years, and my father has been in the military for 8 years.

They are now divorcing, both myself (16, and his stepdaughter) and my sister (12, and his real daughter) are choosing to not see him anymore.
The divorce reasons are everything ranging from physical abuse, mental abuse, molestation, cheating, alcoholism, pill popping, etc.
My mother is disabled and cannot work, and has 4 upcoming surgeries that she NEEDS and pain meds that she NEEDS, as well as my own meds for bipolar disorder and my sister’s for depression, plus all of our allergy, pain, etc. meds. We’re not very healthy after all he’s put us through.

I heard somewhere that since they’ve been married over 12 years, not only does he pay child support on my sister, and spousal support on my mom, but we may be eligible to keep our insurance and some military benefits.
Is that true?

Any information is helpful.
Thanks for the answers so far; we’re worknig on everything with the military and it’s so extreme that we just alerted to Family Help center on base today and they’re giving us an immediate restraining order.

But those of you saying yes; can you send me links with proof or more detailed answers? Thank you
If I got into all the details as to why everything went on for so long it would take a long time. My mother was an abused wife; my sister and I were abused children. embarrassment, humiliation, the fear no one woud believe us…no one believing us when we did tell. Now we can’t take it anymore so we’re ALL standing up, and found a way to get him out of the house.

Is there any benefits my mom can get from her health problems, at all? HE made her quit her job (there is proof of this) THREE months before she was eligible for Disability pay. And she’s so sick now she can’t work.

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I thought self mutilation disqualified somebody for military service?

  • Posted on October 12, 2010 at 4:17 pm

My bf is ex-army and I have a baby together and he wants to get married( I don’t if I want that). He doesn’t want his ex but he kisses her ass and acts like she is normal and wants to go into the army for normal reasons. Honestly, she isn’t intelligent, pretty or kind and I have helped him take care of his children with her a lot(and I have an older child) and they have some serious emotional problems. She has expressed regret for leaving him but when he and I were completely uninvolved and they were living in Ft. Stewart she harassed me and smashed his cell phone to pieces, she destroyed other property with a hammer. He married her because she was pregnant, but then she hid an entire second preg from him and everybody including her twin and binge-drank alcohol (while they lived on base) and just popped out a secret vodka baby one day. She had sought no prenatal health care even though her first baby had been born via c-section. She also cheated on him with another soldier(even took out a secret loan for the guy and asked her husband to pay it). Yeah it is all bs. She has time and again expressed regrets from the past and the very little time she has the kids, she returns them filthy-recently not even brushing her daughter’s hair even though she had lice. They actually like me but act traumatized over gettings baths for one thing. The 3 yr old slaps and bites herself over the smallest things. The 6 year old works herself into hysteria over small things.The only time she didn’t physically abuse him(she has punched him in the face and called the Mps, wrapped a cord around his neck and called the Mps was the brief period she took prozac(not within the past year). I don’t think I’ll stick around much more. He acts like she wants to join the Army for some other reason than to be close to him. She completely uses the children to manipulate him and at the same, time acts very resentful about spending time with the children. She had a suicide attempt two years ago and had to be taken to the hospital to get her stomach pumped. Does the military often let suicidal candidates in? Should they really be training someone like that on a weapon? She leaves for boot camp in Missouri next month. She’ll be working with Forklifts. I just feel bad for the kids-mine included.
Sorry if you didn’t like the story but it is what it is, just wondering. I don’t think she is a responsible person but then again, I think she may be a danger and it would still be sad to me if something like boot camp further broke the psyche of someone so delicate, it could be further damaging to the children.
Unfortunately, her husband never pressed charges even though the mps asked him.
The recruiter pushed her through, she leaves for Basic April 26.
The recruiter pushed her through, she leaves for Basic April 26.
The recruiter pushed her through, she leaves for basic April 26, she did all her tests.

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Military Question; Child From A Past Marriage Considering Marrying Felon Boyfriend; Need Advice?

  • Posted on October 6, 2010 at 9:22 pm

Ok, this is a bit of a complicated situation. I’m considering joining the Military. However I have a few concerns.

1) I’m considering marrying my Long-time boyfriend. However, He is a felon (Before we get judgmental; got into a fight with long-time friend while intoxicated, friend called cops, State prosecuted- no weans, no drugs, etc). Will this affect my career options upon enlistment or any of the Military benefits?

2) I am a Divorcée with legally “joint” custody of my 4 year old daughter. She visits her father once or twice a week- Lives with me. Will there be any issues regarding claiming my daughter as a dependant and having her life with my BF and I if we choose to Marry? Also, if I get deployed, would it be an issue for my daughter to be sent to live with her father in regards to the benefits?

3) Which Branch has the best Living conditions/benefits for Families? I’m considering; Coast Guard, Air Force, Navy
ALSO- Can my BF live on base if we are married? I’m unsure if it is a possibilty simply Because he IS a felon
Thank you for those of you who actually answered the question at hand. As for the others, this is not a question of morality. Do not presume to know another’s situation or goals in life. You just make yourself seem ignorant by randomly posting your ignorant, negative, and entirely irrevelevant opinions here. If you have no factual information to share with me or others who may be seeking similar information, keep your opinions to yourself. Thank you.

So, back to the question [just to clarify], his past will not affect me obtaining any type of Military/federal security clearance now or in the future?
Thank you for those of you who actually answered the question at hand. As for the others, this is not a question of morality. Do not presume to know another’s situation or goals in life. You just make yourself seem ignorant by randomly posting your ignorant, negative, and entirely irrevelevant opinions here. If you have no factual information to share with me or others who may be seeking similar information, keep your opinions to yourself. Thank you.

So, back to the question [just to clarify], his past will not affect me obtaining any type of Military/federal security clearance now or in the future?

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What to do after a DWI (military)?

  • Posted on August 3, 2010 at 4:22 am

This is my story on what happened Saturday on through Sunday from which I received my first ever DWI. Saturday afternoon my roommate and I had plans to meet some friends at Jesters Pub and listen to a few of the live bands that were scheduled to play there. We all were having a good time, Jesters is a type of bar where we can let out a little aggression it has what they call a mosh pit where everyone runs jumps and pushes each other, a very fun atmosphere for a certain type of person great exercise as well. Well after a few rounds of “moshing” a few rounds of drinks I found myself back in the “mosh pit”. Next thing I remember is numerous amounts of people tackling me and the last thing I remember is losing consciousness when I came to I was outside with the bouncers telling me that I need to take my roommate to the hospital because he had hurt his arm. So being the nieve drunk that I apparently am, and still in a state of confusion/adrenalin I scooped him up and headed to the car. Once in the car my senses hit me I told him that I probably shouldn’t drive so we called a friend to meet us. Unfortunately we had to meet our designated driver 3-5 blocks down the road at a local gas station…This is where I made my mistake I agreed to take him to the gas station. Almost immediately after we pulled out of the bar’s parking lot I saw blue lights and proceeded to pull over. I told the officer my situation and was arrested for DWI. I now understand that I made the wrong decision and things could have been much much worse. I’m thankful that no one else was injured or killed. I’m currently thinking about my situation I live off post I take care of my 20 month daughter and my wife is in the army as well. I really don’t know what to do or how much trouble I’m really in. Looking for lawyers paying the courts doesn’t fit within my budget along with a mortgage, car payment, wife, and child.

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Will a Military School Help My Child?

  • Posted on January 11, 2010 at 2:20 pm

In many cases, yes, and in some cases, no. There are several things you need to sort out first and let’s start with the age of your child. We are assuming they are in trouble or causing trouble and if so that needs to be addressed. But is the child the right age for a military school?

That’s the first question because young children are not suited to a full time boarding school run as a military college. On top of that the best help for a youngster comes from their family and sending them away from home is rarely recommended. If they are troubled then they need their folks and any therapy can and should be local and on an out patient basis.

But if they are the right age, a teenager, the next issue is the problem they may have. If your teen is suffering from ADHD or depression or schizophrenia, a military school is not recommended. Again there are other forms of treatment which must be provided but not in or via a military school.

Then there are the issues of drugs, alcohol and other anti-social behavior. Again these issues are not best treated within a military school. In fact military schools are quite fussy about who they admit as students. You see military schools concentrate on academic matters and offer excellent sporting and artistic programs. They are not there to help a troubled teen kick their drug habit.

However, is your teen capable of excellent academic results? Do they need a push into working harder with their studies? Do you want them to develop leadership qualities, a pride in their country and a strong sense of community involvement? Well if so a military school could well be the ideal vehicle for the success of your teen.

Military schools are many and popular. Some turn away prospective students. The reputation of the school is first class and there are many parents who want their child to attend. But there are more applicants than places. In fact there are sometimes too many teens who are ideal candidates for an education in a military school. But don’t be a parent who pushes their reluctant teen towards an education for which your child is not suited or not interested.

Parents should not hesitate to explore all possibilities before considering a military school for their son or daughter. A visit to your family doctor is an ideal starting point. Do you know your teen has a condition which needs treatment? If the family doctor thinks so, your child could be assessed by a specialist. Don’t take anything for granted. The future health and well being of your child is vital. A military school may be perfect for your teen but find out all about the school and your child before you make any decision.

Parents should never dismiss their own skills regarding parenting. A therapist, a military school and other forms of education and/or treatment can all be of benefit but the parents of the child can themselves do a brilliant job in encouraging their son or daughter to overcome any trials and troubles they may be experiencing. Don’t dismiss your own homegrown love and attention.

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