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Top 5 Strategies – How to Communicate With Your Children’s Other Parent

  • Posted on July 2, 2009 at 10:39 pm

I heard a journalist say recently that “there’s a vicious and respect less way of communicating that’s reserved exclusively for the ‘divorced with children’”. Ouch, that hurt! Probably because it’s so true. It doesn’t have to be like that and for the sake of building a bridge with our children’s other parent here are some ground-rules for practicing how to play fare. (For the sake of ease here, I’m going to assume that we’re talking about divorce or separation and that the children have residence with their mum; their dad having moved to a separate home).

1. Focus on the Present and the Future
Conversations between separated Mums and Dads about the past often get heated, stressed and even dangerous. Ideally, you want to get to a point where your communication is calm and actively contributes to a positive future. If you have unresolved issues relating to your past relationship, you must find a way to process these independently to your conversations with your ex. Find a good counselor, a qualified friend or family member (i.e. they know how to keep you moving forward and are not going to spend time just agreeing with you), or an anger-management therapist – whoever it is, work through your feelings about your ex-partner in a constructive and forward-focused way in your own time.

2. Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing
Remember that regardless of what you think about your child’s other parent, your child loves you both and is not a pawn. Try to encourage a good relationship with their dad after he’s moved away and build up the time your children spend with him to a level where everyone’s happy. Initially it may be that the children just want to be in familiar surroundings for the majority of the time. Encourage and equip them to talk about how they feel and be aware not to manipulate or colour their thinking. Asking what they want is a good start, however sometimes they will have to be stretched out of their comfort zone (like they may just have to go and spend the weekend at Dad’s flat) for the long-term benefit of all their relationships.

3. Give Yourself a Time Limit for Conversations
If you find that your tolerance level for being civil to your ex-partner is limited, then make sure you only talk in short blocks of time. Practice, ‘doing diaries’ in under 10 minutes. If you feel yourself start to get anxious, then suggest that ‘we look at this again next week’.

4. Get Comfortable With Not Concluding
Not all conversations about our children have to be concluded right now. Try to plan ahead when negotiating access, holidays, saving for gifts, having your children be at their friend’s parties, etc. Mention ahead of time that you’d like to take the children to Cornwall, or you want to have them visit their Granny on her birthday. This will allow time for both parties to consider the benefits for the children and to consider what a compromise or re-negotiation might look like.

5. Be Respectful
Challenging though it might be, talking to your ex with respect is the best way to begin to change things for the better. I know how hard this can be – especially in the early days; but it will get easier with practice and persistence. You owe it to yourself and to your children and ultimately it will reduce anxiety and increase happiness all round.

Jennifer Broadley is a qualified executive coach and the founder of www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com
For more information and a FR*EE Special Report “ The 5 Secrets for Successful Single Parenting” visit: www.SuccessfulSingleParenting.com

Article Source: Top 5 Strategies – How to Communicate With Your Children’s Other Parent

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The Definitive Guide to Achieving Your Goals

  • Posted on July 1, 2009 at 9:05 pm

We all have goals that we’d like to achieve, that we’d like to attain. We all want the pleasure of knowing that we had the confidence to change ourselves through taking on and conquering difficult feats.

For example, we set goals every year on January 1st, thinking that this will be the day that everything changes. We say, “I’ll lose 15 pounds”, or “I’ll get a 4.0 this quarter”, or even “I’ll make ‘X amount of money’”. Then, not even midway through the year, we quit. We give up. We fall back in the rut that drove us to change in the first place. Suddenly the challenge that was meant to adorn us with praise is suddenly dragging us down into the depths of ‘hard work’. When we actually have to sit down and devise a plan of attack in order to reach our goals, the majority of us want to quit. Having done this before myself, I can sympathize with that. You have been living in a pattern of regularity that seemed almost effortless and it’s hard to change that pattern by just setting a goal for yourself. But realize that just wanting to change is not enough. You can tell all your friends and relatives about your new plan to backpack through Europe, but it means nothing without preparation, commitment, and enthusiasm. If you don’t have these three things, don’t bother trying to change yourself. You’ll only succeed in wasting your own time.

I created this guide in order ensure that once people set goals of any variety, they will be sure to achieve them. Some goals can take anywhere from 5 minutes to even a year to complete, but keep in mind that if you follow all of these steps without fail, there is no doubt that your goal cannot be achieved.

Let’s get started, shall we?

1. Understand why you’re setting goals

Goals that you set for yourself should be just that; for yourself. Don’t set goals to impress others or to compete with someone who has achieved more than you. Setting goals is about personal growth. The fact that you are taking the steps to achieve your goals is admirable in my opinion, but it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks. In the end, you will receive the most benefit from achieving your goals. It doesn’t matter how many people acknowledge you, or how many people like your goal. If you like it, that’s all that matters.

2. Set a realistic goal

Okay, you know you want to change or improve something, but what? Do you want to go out more, or do you want to get good grades. Or do you want to do both? These are all great ideas for goals, but remember to be realistic. Don’t set goals you know you won’t reach or you aren’t 100% sure you will fully commit to. Also keep in mind that you should set about one or two goals. The problem with setting a lot of difficult goals is that you get so overwhelmed by the time that has to be invested into each one that you begin to start slacking off on all of them. Setting one or two is easier to manage and you’ll certainly be more effective in accomplishing them.

3. Make a ‘top goals’ list and narrow it down to two

Write down the best things you wish to accomplish in as much detail as possible. This is important, so put a lot of time and effort into this. Fleshing out your goals will allow you decide which ones are most reasonable to start immediately. A long term goal like “being a movie star” could definitely take a back seat to an immediate short-term one like “get a driver’s license”. Of course, your list can be as long as desired, but remember to pick the ones that are the easiest to get started on.

4. With your one or two goals, make a plan

Make a plan of how you’re going to achieve your goals. What works best for me is to start with steps that are relatively simple, but get more intricate as my progress grows. Let’s say I have set a goal to learn a new language. I can’t just buy a lot of language books and try to read all of them at once, right? I’m going to have to approach this logically. The first step would be to buy comprehensive language texts and audio CD’s for me to study with. Then I would take a class to get direct practice with a presumably native speaker. I would then try and make new friends so we could possibly study outside of the classroom together. It really is that simple to make a plan of action. And if you don’t know how to start your plan, surf the internet and learn how people with similar goals have achieved them.

5. Enthusiasm is the key

Without enthusiasm, no desire can long endure. While you’re in the process of achieving your goal, never stop being excited about it. Whenever you think about it, get happy and get energized. Isn’t the thought of improving yourself enough to bring a smile to your face? Sure, there will be times when you get bored of the steps you are taking in achieving your goals. But that should be an indicator for you to change things up in your plan. Do you eat the same nutritious foods everyday if you want to be healthy? Do you exercise with the same weight if you want to get stronger? Of course not. As time goes on, it’s natural to get used to the plans you have set in motion for yourself. You can remedy this by adding new steps to your plan. Always remember to keep things fresh so your goals don’t get stale.

6. Make time for your goals

Set aside a decent amount of time for each goal. For the best results, do not spend less than 30 minutes on each goal everyday. There will be times when you start to slack off in this area, but it’s actually not that bad. As long as you plan accordingly to account for the time you lost advancing your goals, you’ll be fine. Remember that consistency is crucial to achieving your goals, so slacking off too much will end up being counterproductive.

7. Never give up

This is my favorite step. There are few reasons to give up on achieving your goal, but difficulty is not one of them. For some, working towards an end is natural. For others, it may not be that simple. But no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it seems to take, do not give up. If necessary, incorporate a support group of your family and friends. Let them know you are serious about tackling this goal and no put downs will be tolerated. There’s no point including anyone in your support group who will hinder your progress by criticizing your efforts. The people who care for you will encourage you, push you forward, and try to help any way necessary.

Goals are very important to have, but setting them is just half the battle. To truly take control of what you want in life, you must condition yourself right now by trying my tips for a time period that you think is reasonable. Keep in mind that you can’t possibly complete these steps in only one day; give it time. If you don’t see any notable changes in yourself or advances in your goals, then try adding a little of your own flavor to these steps.

Be prepared for the trials and tribulations that stand in your way, for they are there to help you succeed and not to deter your progress. And if you do nothing else, repeat this phrase daily:

“I will succeed.”

Article Source: The Definitive Guide to Achieving Your Goals

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