(1). Skinny Dipping…
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
(2) Yesterday I was at the store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant??
So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry? The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters a$$ and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard! The store won’t let me shop there anymore.
(3) Only at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’
‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.
‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – A lot cheaper than a doctor.’
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, an d the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5.. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ WalMart
