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What can I do to prove my ex is lying to the social services?

  • Posted on October 11, 2010 at 4:33 pm

I’m just praying someone will be able to give me some advice.. This is very complicated so please bare with me.
First off I’m a 22yr old mother of 3, my two sons 6yrs and 3months live with me while my daughter who is 3yrs lives with her father.
She has been living with him for 2yrs now.
I split with her father in the end due to domestic violance (from him) and shortly after he involved social services saying I “physically and mentally abuse” my children. Social services were involved previously from complaints by neighbours regarding the violance.
Social workers at the time became involved for a short period then closed the case as they had no concerns of my parenting.
At the time of the break up I was giving him 3 nights per week access to my son and daughter and was also working a 50hr p/w job, I had to leave my job due to the child care issues with some very unsociable hrs.
I had to put in a claim for benefits and they refused this for 4 months as they quoted I had “willingly left my job” I was struggling to meet the rent and the housing were really coming down on me threatening me with eviction ect and said if it came to that they had no legal obligation to re-house me and the children. I have forgotten to mention at this time I also had care of my two teenage sisters one of whom is still with me and my 4yr old cousin who is now in foster care. 
By this point I was really begining to struggle mentally as well as finacially and then a family member of mine who was my best friend died while she was 8 months pregnant to an asthma attack and we lost the baby as well. That was it for me I just broke down and couldn’t cope anymore, it was like I was on auto pilot I made sure all the children were fed, clothed and bathed but I know emotionally I wasn’t really there for them, I didn’t bother with house work very often and the living conditions became quite bad at one point, and back came the social workers..
I snapped our of my depression quite sharpish knowing I stood a risk of loosing my children due to my mental state and general untidiness of the home. I pulled myself up and sorted my act out, they helped me sort out my benefits and things really started to get better. My sisters then returned to my mothers care as she seemed to be making progress with her alcoholism. 
Then the news came that she had relapsed and attacked my sisters again so I felt I had a duty to protect them, I went to my mums to help my sisters and try to help her, I’d left my house keys with a neighbour to feed my cats while I was away. They left my backdoor open and long story short my cars were killed and my home was now filled with teenagers taking drugs, drinking ect everything I owened was stolen or broken.. I no longer had a home. Needless to say I was evicted as it was all “my own fault” I tried involving police but they said as I’d gave my key willingly it wasn’t a police matter and there was nothing they could do. I was heart broken.
Social services then placed my sisters with their father and me into a b&b back home, they said as I no longer had anywhere to live the children would need to be placed on the CP register so they could provide us with the best resorces possible, they told me that they Were NOT going to remove my children but my cousin would have to go into foster care but I would have all the access to her i wished to have untill she could return to me at a later date. 
1 week later my mother offered to sign over her house to me and the children, I didn’t want to move so far away but with everything going on I felt I had to to provide my lil ones with some stability. 
I informed the social services of my plans and the next day while my children were in day care they removed them and kicked me out of the bnb I was homeless and so utterly destroyed I just didn’t know what to do. They didn’t let me see them for almost 7 weeks and even them it was only for one hr!! Supervised. 
Me and the kids did nothing to deserve what happened and all I was told was get housed an you can have them back..
So I did, then they said they needed to do parenting reports ect ect long story short I eventually had my son home 19 months ago on the understanding my daughter would also return at a later date zoom forward to now and situation is this
My ex has a residence order for my daughter and I have a contact order in place, my ex was/is breeching the terms of the conditions so I went back to my solicitor. We have another court hearing next week as he’s in contempt of court, but now he’s refusing me contact  as of today (having found out we are back in court) with my daughter saying things like “she constantly goes back covered in cuts and bruises” and “she smells of urine” ect it’s all lies!!  after everything that’s happens over the last 3yrs I’m petrifyed I’m going to loose my kids again I have no faith in

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Holiday Gifts, Social Influences, And Parental Values

  • Posted on January 3, 2010 at 11:07 pm

A few months ago I was watching public TV’s annual drive to raise money. One of the primary offers for your pledge was a video of the “Doo Wop” music of the ’50s and early ’60s. In addition to playing many of my favorite songs they showed old media news clips referring to this as “the devil’s music”, wanting it banned because of the harm it was doing to the teenagers. As part of that generation I recall it as a very superficial time when most of us did what we were told and only minimally challenged prevailing expectations. That led me to think about the next generation, the Boomers, who rioted, challenged authority, used drugs heavily, and turned sex into a recreational activity. By now you may be wondering what this has to do with holiday gifts! Bear with me.

It is a time-honored tradition for each generation of teens to engage in some new set of activities that is perceived as dangerous to their development and to blame contemporary social influences on individual tragedies that take place during those years. In the psychologizing of America we have come to extend this concept of social influence all the way back to prenatal experience! The net result is that parents agonize even more over every move they make and how it might harm their children. If your daughter is allowed to buy a Britney Spears’ doll you are accused of increasing the likelihood that she will either become oversexed or develop an eating disorder. If you buy your son a violent video game you are similarly warned that you are increasing the likelihood he will commit a violent crime. Oh if life were only so simple.

Eating disorders are a serious concern in our society as is male violence. But these are complex problems and our ability to predict which child develops one of these problems is virtually nil. For decades millions of young girls have spent endless hours playing with Barbie dolls and boys have been exposed to ever-increasing violence in all forms of the media. While we are genuinely concerned about the extent of eating disorders and violence in our society, the facts are that the vast majority of women do not develop an eating disorder and the vast majority of men do not commit violent crimes. The actions of individuals are a complex playing out of the interaction of temperament, neurochemistry, personal experience, and social influence. Furthermore, significant problems during childhood and adolescent years do not mean doom for one’s adult life. We are extraordinarily resilient creatures. Need I point out that the seemingly out-of-control behavior by our youth from the mid-’60s to the mid-’70s spawned a generation of free thinkers. They created an unparalleled era of prosperity based mostly on an endless creation of self-owned businesses combined with exceptional gains in medicine and science that has also included dramatic changes in gender roles and a new melting-pot society. That’s you I’m talking about – the majority of today’s parents.

So when you go to buy your child some holiday presents I would urge you to be less influenced by the current doomsayers and more influenced by your own values. Too many parents have become confused and overwhelmed by all the advice that people like me send streaming forth. It’s a challenge to separate out what really matters. For a long time I have urged parents to believe that what really matters is to have a close bond with their children by learning how to enjoy them and see their strengths despite how challenging that is with certain children. In addition I urge parents to know what they believe in and provide some consistency for their children by being willing to take the heat for standing behind their values. Your daughter can own a Spears’ doll but if you feel the clothes she wants to wear are too provocative, say no. You may find certain video games cross a line of acceptability because of excessive violence or the values expressed (e.g., bigotry). Say no.

If these concepts resonate with you then it follows that you should buy gifts that you find acceptable for your children and that will be a part of a holiday experience that has personal meaning for the family rather than a temporary material meaning. As adults, few remember their childhood holiday gifts. Warm holiday memories usually consist of the sense of traditions that include sights and sounds and smells that are associated with a sense of family closeness. If you can achieve that then you are having meaningful holidays. Furthermore, that closeness is the strongest factor in increasing the likelihood that your children will ultimately make healthy decisions about their lives.

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