My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have a beautiful 6 month old daughter.
My husband’s father was a dentist until he had an episode with mental illness and alcoholism 15 years ago. This caused his practice to collapse and ended his marriage. He’s been living comfortably off disability payments since then and his mental illness is in reasonable control with the proper medication. There have been some medical scares, but I assume he has some medical insurance at this time. The problem is that he is two years away from “retirement” when the disability payments will end. He has not saved nearly enough for a secure retirement taking into consideration the main expenses: home and medical care.
My husband brought up my FIL’s money situation a couple years ago. He carries the weight of his mother and father’s well-being on his shoulders. At that time he said that we’d probably have to pay his dad’s rent and some expenses someday because his father hasn’t been careful with his money. I ask my husband to ask his father to change his ways, his words fall on deaf ears. In my eyes my FIL has been very irresponsible with the generous disability benefit he’s received over the years. He played the stock market and lost his home to foreclosure 10 years ago. He drives a late model luxury SUV that he doesn’t yet own. He’s taken many fancy vacations over the years. He lives alone, yet he rents in an expensive 3 bed 2 bath home. What little money he’s saved he wants to buy a home so he has someplace to live in his retirement. I ask how he’s going to afford his rent on 1200 of social security, let alone what might happen if he were to develop a medical issue as he ages. He shrugs his shoulders and says he’ll work it out. He’s in a great deal of denial about the precariousness of his future.
At that time my husband brought up bankrolling his father’s lifestyle, I considered it, because he’s family. Two incomes no kids was a comfortable lifestyle for us. That was before I knew the feeling of the responsibility of being a parent myself. I want the very best for my child, for her to have a financially secure and fun life. I also want the opportunity to be a stay at home mom when I have a second child. If my family were to pay my FIL’s rent/expenses I would be locked into working for the foreseeable future… just to pay his rent. It breaks my heart to think I might not have that opportunity.
My parents have carefully saved for their retirement, and were very careful to raise a frugal daughter. My husband’s mother has worked very hard over the last 15 years to put herself in a very good financial situation with far fewer resources than her ex husband. We will only need to give these parents our love and our time, not our money.
I am so angry at my FIL for wasting the last 15 years living frivolously, I can’t look him in the eye. He doesn’t believe that he’ll need our money and he will not listen to me. And I’m angry with my husband for not putting his foot down with his father and his spending and just assuming the way out of the problem is to spend our way out of it. This is the number 1 issue in our marriage and I need help on how to proceed.
