Firstly, I apologize for this being lengthy. I’m at my emotional wits end and I don’t have anyone to speak to for advice or guidance.
I need help. I’m stuck and depressed from my family that seems to deteriorate exponentially daily. Every time I speak to my mother I feel like she’s sucked me dry of any happiness and then wants to blame me for it.
Let me explain.
I grew up with a volitile mother. She never told the truth about where we came from. I had to find my biological father via years of swift prodding and internet searches. She’s lied to and estranged her entire family, leaving us as her children in an island in the middle of our family which no one dared enter. She’s always abused my sister and I, both physically and mentally. No one can ever get a straight answer out of her for anything.
Recently I found out my sister and I had a different father, and that we have siblings who were taken away by their respective fathers previous to my sister and I. Yet another layer to this never ending string of lies that will forever prevent my sister and I from ever knowing the truth.
My mother has a victim’s complex. Every time she gets caught in a lie, or does something wrong it’s always some one elses fault.
I ran away when I was fifteen and went to live with my uncle, who gave me the resources and support to become mentally healthy and move up in life. My sister stayed behind and continued the daily battle with my mother, because I think, she was bit less savvy then I on her own.
Even when I went back, guilted into family occasions where we’d all pretend we were happy, things exploded, and I’d always find my self leaving early and trying to escape my mothers vile screaming and abuse.
I always left, because I could now. But still it hurts even when I’m far away. My sister eventually moved away and moved back in multiple times. She internalized the violence and abuse displayed by my mother by drinking, drugs and being violent towards others herself. I turned to food and continuously find myself comforting myself with a meal or a snack and always ending up in the middle of a weight battle.
Now, I’m older, I’ve tried to maintain a civil relationship with my mother. However recently, on one of my sisters bouts of living back with my mother due to no where to go they fought, but this time it wasn’t me bleeding, it wasn’t my sister bleeding. It was my mom. My mother started a fight with my sister by throwing a dvd player at her head and my sister fought back and hit her with a phone. My sister went in her room, which she rented, and hid. Much in the same way we both would after my mother was done hitting us. My mother ran to her neighbours and told them to call the police, her daughter was trying to kill her.
Let me say that my sister shouldn’t have hit my mom, but what can she do? That’s all that we’ve known? All of our lives we were kicked, thrown through doors, smashed with whatever was nearby, and the police never did anything. Now…my sister went to jail for finally returning the favour.
Now I’m married, I have my first child on the way, and I live a very quiet peaceful life. I do everything I can to live simple and quiet to offset the years of noise and yelling. However now, my sister can never be in the same room as my mother, is charged with assault with a weapon for hitting my mom with the phone, and she can’t leave the place she’s living in due to a court order. She’ll never get a decent job, she has to pay all the money she has to her lawyer. She’s not aloud to go to my mother’s house to retrieve her stuff, but my mother loves that. One more thing she can have control over.
My mother will call me and say “Tell your sister to come get her stuff” and as always I say “She can’t, she’s not aloud to be in the same area as you for the rest of her life” and my mom insists that she could get a friend to.
What friend? You think my sister has friends? The only type of people in her life are the kind that are keen to use her, and to support her addictions. No one is going to do anything for her.
Everytime I speak to my mother it’s beyond draining. I keep telling myself that I’m going to move on and not speak to her any more but I just keep looping back.
I try to tell my mother that I have a family now, and that I can’t pretend that things are okay and go to her house like nothing ever happened. But my mom keeps saying that I’m making her the bad guy.
Today, on the last phone call I had with my mother was for her to say to me that I shouldn’t feel bad for my sister. That I am making her to be the bad one. My mom is making me feel bad because I don’t want to go to her house for Christmas with my husband and pretend that we happy there. I don’t want to do it anymore. My mom says that my sister gave her a scar on her face and now she is losing some of her left eyesight….
Well,…may god forgive me for saying this, but if I could trade the years of hurt, all of
it for some glasses and a scar…I would do it in a heart beat
