My wife and I have been together for 5 years, and she already had a 2 year old from her previous relationship. The guy is a drunk who beat her for a year in front of their daughter. He lives in the town over from us and sees his daughter when he wants to. He pays no support and can’t even drive to pick her up because he has two DUI’s and lost his license. He cried over my wife for a long time, but eventually we were married and now we have two kids together. He is still a drunk, and thinks he should call my wife when he has a problem that he can’t figure out himself, so he’ll get drunk and call, and my wife will talk to him trying to make him happy. He recently called drunk at 10am asking what to do, cause his parents wanted to commit him for being suicidal, but he was just drunk. I have told my wife I don’t want her talking to him about anything that doesn’t concern their daughter, that he doesn’t need to call her and vent his feelings to her. She seems to think this makes me a bad guy, and she can do what she wants. So she tries to be discreet about it. I ran to the store the other night to get us stuff, and when I got home she was on the phone with him, talking to him really gently, about stuff that did not concern their daughter. I see red when I think about it, I flipped. I sent him a message telling him to find his own wife to cry to. He calls when I was in the room with my daughter, all mad that I sent him that message, and my wife starts getting upset and crying. She seemed to be more upset that I upset him, than the fact that I was mad at her. I’m still mad at her, but she is just pretending like nothing happened, like we didn’t sleep in different beds. I don’t know what to do, she’s trying to be all lovey lovey with me, never said she was sorry (but she apologized for me on the phone to that bitc* when he called) but I don’t want to be anywhere near her. I don’t want to break my family up, but I won’t continue to put up with that.
12 Comments on What should I do about my wife and her “friendship” with the father of her daughter?
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Sorry….you may not want her to talk to him….you may think it’s wrong…..it can make you crazy.
But you married this woman knowing that she had a child with a nutcase……so until she’s ready to draw the line all you can do is “suggest”.
You are not about to accomplish anything until she flushes this man out of her system. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen so you might have to get used to this until his liver gives out. Maybe you should spend some money and have cases of scotch shipped over to him so you can speed up the process.
I have a child by my ex, and I have made it perfectly clear to him that unless the conversation directly relates to the welfare of my child, he is not allowed to call me. I am not going to ruin my relationship with my husband over my ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. My ex tried all that cry on my shoulder crap. It doesn’t fly. Made him mad as hell for awhile, now he’s just pathetic. But he is learning to stand on his own two feet, since he can’t walk all over me anymore. I agree with you. She needs to put a stop to this.
Sorry, but when you met your wife you knew she had baggage and a child from a previous relationship. You could take a stand and tell her to stop talking to him, but you’ll never be rid of this guy because he is the father of that child.
On a side note, here goes one more example of a woman who dates the bad boy loser, gets knocked up, and wises up and decides to marry a responsible person. Why can’t the responsible guys get a girl with no baggage and no kids?
And you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Your wife was the wife of an alcoholic. There was some co-dependency in that relationship and she has not been able to break that bond. She loves you, but she just doesn’t know how to break off that co-dependent relationship. Offer to go with your wife to Al-Anon meetings. Even though she is not his wife anymore, she needs to learn how to finally and totally break lose from the dependency that he has on her.
Ok … there’s no easy way to tell you this, so here goes:
You have some pretty serious marital problems.
For your wife to put the drunk guy’s feelings above those of her husband is wrong – and on many levels. When she does that, she puts him right smack in the middle of your marriage, she demeans your feelings and your place in your marriage, and she disrespects you in a pretty big way. Ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned.
You have to, at a time when things are calm and you’re both in a good mood, put your foot down. You have to look her in the face and tell her what I just said, but you have to do it in a voice that has no ‘heat’ behind it, and no hurt behind it. You have to plainly and clearly state it, and give her a choice: Him, or you.
Be prepared for whatever her answer may be, but you have to do this. Yes, he’s the father of her kid, but clearly this goes way beyond the bounds of what should be put up with. Tell her that she either cuts him off from EVERYthing that doesn’t involve her kid, or you’re done. Tell her that this is not an ultimatum – it is a choice. Put it to her like this: because of HER choice to put the drunk above her husband, YOU are now making your own choice.
BE the man.
You can do it.
Something similar happened to me. My ex husband used to call until my current husband told me that I should just hang up on him or not talk to him. Hanging up was difficult because my ex husband was very controlling however I did manage to not speak to him any more and I was quite happy because I hated having to listen to him and I truly did hate him and still do. He was crazy. Since our conversations could never be just about the children I stopped talking to him a altogether.
Be clear that for you, letting her be a crutch is out of the question. First inform her that she is enabling him. This ex of hers sounds like he has the mind of an adolescent and will probably leave her alone if she stops responding to him. Tell your wife that he is not worth your marriage ending and that it creates strain even on your children, they do not need that type of man intruding on your peaceful environment. When he calls, just answer the phone and say “did you need to speak with your daughter?” “is this about when you are going to see your daughter?” If he insists on speaking with your wife, simply explain she is not there or unavailable. Your wife encourages his behavior, she needs to know that.
He is using guilt trips on your wife,poor me drama’s and she is soft hearted..she is caught in trying to save him, thank God you came along when you did or she may be an abused wife and trying to save him up close and personal.she feels maternal or blame for how his life is.I’m actually going to recommend a book your wife read…you can read it and get insight first if you want to..
The book would be The Celestine Prophecies..It explains how people use guilt trips and control drama’s to manipulate people . It can help her to break the cycle and you to beware of what’s happening so you can remind her when she slips into the same old drama’s..also I expect your wife has a “need to feel needed” but she thinks sh is being compassionate and doesn’t realize she is fulfilling her own need to feel like a good person..You are her strength and she feels safe with you but he “needs’ her and you will look like an uncompassionate jerk in her eyes if he kills himself unless she can face her own role in this. so read that book,Get educated and have her read it..very enlightening..
Hello,
I dont blame you for being angry (hurt and betrayed?) – she needs to let him go. They are divorced and though they should continue to co-parent, their relationship as a couple should have ended long before she ever re-married. Perhaps she feels the need to keep the peace with him for the childs sake and is unsure how to draw the line. Perhaps a councellor could assist in this.
Take care & good luch
I’m going to have to side in with you on this problem. When you marry someone who has a child, you’re going to have to deal with the ex-husband to a certain extent because of the child. Your wife will have to talk to her ex when the subject concerns the child. The child’s health, visitation, etc… But your wife playing the part of his friend and helping him with his mental problems is very inappropriate. She’s not married to him anymore, she’s married to you and she shouldn’t be that involved in his personal life.
I really wonder why she would even want her daughter to spend the night at her ex-husband’s house when he’s an alcoholic. I hope she isn’t doing that or even leaving the child at his house for the day. I personally would want to take the child to his parents house and let him come there to visit his daughter. This isn’t suppose to be what the ex wants or needs, but rather what’s best for the child and she’s in a safe environment.
If I were in your place. I would have a calm talk with your wife (no yelling). Remind her that she’s not married to this man anymore and her being his best friend is not working for you. It’s understandable if she has to talk to him about something that concerns her daughter’s health, school or visitation, but helping him with his personal problems has to stop.
She can’t be married to both of you and I would give her a choice. You can be my wife and have a life with me, or you can be his wife and spend your life taking care of his problems, because he refuses to go to AA and take care of his own problems. Don’t threaten to leave her, unless you really mean it.
It could be your wife needs some counselling. She was married to an alcoholic who beat her. She finally got the courage to leave him, but she can’t seem to let go of this man. Her feelings of guilt and pity for him, won’t allow her to make the final break with him and turn her back to his problems. Your marriage isn’t going to work, until she can do this.
This sounds like a pretty serious situation. It sounds like your wife still has feelings for her ex. Maybe she doesn’t love him like a husband, but she obviously still feels that he is her friend. You are totally right for the way that you feel. Even though she has a child with this man, their relationship is too close. She is being very unreasonable. I am sure that you have already discussed your feelings about this situation, but you really need to give her an ultimatum. It is either you or him. That is what it boils down to. She can only have one husband, and one relationship is more important than the other. Yes your wife did come with baggage, but you don’t have to accept her ex husband as a part of the deal. Put a stop to this before it goes too far.